Raindrops on Roses...

Well, where to start, I really don't know. So many things have happened in the last 5 months, but I just feel right now I need a place to go to vent/talk/share.

Most recently, things have been going good and bad. I started my 2nd semester at HACC for Nursing. I thought I was going to be able to apply for Clinicals in August 2012, but things just really haven't turned out the way I planned. Looks like it will be held off for another year, so that I can get in and pass all of my classes. Right now I'm having a little trouble. I don't know if it's just now only 4 weeks left and so I've gotten lazy or if I am just depressed and don't have the motivation to do it. I do feel depressed. I feel overwhelmed and like I'm being pulled in too many directions and there's too many things to do that I don't even know where to start. Home work or Cleaning. Laundry or Dinner, Shower or no shower. Date or don't date. I've now tried it. Failed. I just can't do it. It's too hard to date and have everything that I have going on to remain stable on my tray. I feel like I'm a waitress that is overloaded with hot plates.. and it's a miracle if I make it to the table without dropping them. It's a miracle I'm getting through the day right now. I don't feel like getting up in the morning. I just want to shut the world out and sleep.

I do have good things going. My boys. They are doing wonderfully. Especially Riley. He has grown up so much in the last 6 months. Matured. Opened up to me and Griffin. Becoming affectionate and loving with his words and actions. His heart is showing and it's beautiful. For Griffin.. well he's healthy. He's 2 and so the terrible two's have officially arrived in this house. It is a strain on us around him who are adjusting horribly to these tantrums and mood swings.

And last week, we finally got a puppy :) I have been waiting so long and I felt like we needed him. Max, our growing fast lab mix. he's adorable, feisty, and hella stubborn, oh my. I actually just got yelled at because he peed on the floor while I was in the shower. Sigh. I'm sorry, Mom. I am. I'm sorry he peed on the floor and you didn't want a puppy. I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment that taking him out every 90 minutes isn't enough and he still has accidents. I'm sorry he's only been here for 5 days and he's not perfect. I'm sorry. I really am. I am in no way being sarcastic.

My heart feels heavy. And so does my body. I have actually gained 5-7 lbs in the last two months. I am comfort eating because I'm unhappy. Doesn't help I've been hormonally imbalanced for that period of time. My moods are swinging back and forth so much even I am getting sea-sick.. but what can I do? We thought I had breast cancer for a few weeks, but I had some tests and it turned out my hormones are just going crazy for no apparent reason, and the mass growing in my breast was tissue being inflamed due to a hormone spike. I haven't really been the same since. I can't seem to control how I feel or react. And when something bad happens... I just go so deep into my mind, it takes me weeks to resurface into feeling happy again. I just want to feel like myself again. It's not changing how I am with my boys. Just how I feel about myself. I'm just unhappy.I'm sad. I'm lonely.

I thought dating would help. Having a boyfriend and having someone be there who cared about me. But it didn't. Turned out I just don't like anybody that much to sacrifice for them like I do my children. I just don't think there anybody worth sacrificing my time for with my kids, with myself, with my school work. I miss time. I miss quiet. I hate being nagged. I hate when somebody expects to be a big significant part of my life after only a few weeks and expects me to sacrifice for them. I don't want anybody sacrificing for me and so I will NEVER ask them to do that. I will be indebted to no one but my children and myself. I don't want presents or fancy dinners or whatever. I just want to know you'll be there if I do need you. You care enough to listen. And you are low maintenance, and don't require a lot. I don't require a lot. I will actually tell someone to stop giving me so much attention. I hate it. But I guess this is why I am better suited alone. I am fiercely independent. And after so many years of having to be, I don't think that will ever change. I wouldn't know the first thing about asking somebody for help. And if you wanted to be that for me, then I hate to break it to you, but you'd be sorely disappointed.. I don't need much. In a friend, even. Just be there if I need to talk, which isn't even often. Otherwise, don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I always am.

It's been awihle...

So it been over a month since I last wrote a blog, not sure really why I stopped, I guess I just didn't feel like I realy had anything to write about. I still don't really feel like I do, but documenting a day or week in my families life is worth writing about, so I will.

I've been in school now for 8 weeks, and I kinda like it. It's not terribly hard, although Spanish is kicking my butt, I'm not failing. I need to stay up tonight and write my 2nd essay for my English Comp class and then also practice my fractions. It is getting more difficult, but I am learning.

The boys have been doing really well, still crazy, but I am enjoying them a lot more than I was 6 weeks ago. I was stressed and I wasn't taking the time to love my kids the way I should. Towards the end of September, I began this class at my church called "Loving your kids on Purpose" by Danny and Sheri Silk. It is absolutely the most amazing class I have ever taken. It really shows you how to treat your kids and build an intimate connection with them that cannot be broken. How to teach them to take on responsibility and think for themselves, as well as carry their weight in the family and with your relationship with them. Showing them that they make up for HALF of that relationship and it is their responsibility to take care of your heart as well as it it yours to take care of theirs. I am thinking about buying the book soon and that way I have a daily reminder and support that I'm doing the right things. And I gotta say, their techniques are really working on my boys, and on me and on US as a family.

I am doing well right now in that, school and family. It's been a difficuly road, but I'm on it and I'm taking this journey seriously and not sleeping through the trip. I want to LIVE this life and ENJOY this life and not get lost on the way and forget my purpose.

It's been awhile, but I'm still here, I'm still going strong and I'm making my way..

This life that I'm learning to love...

So the last few months have been hectic. It's been up and down and all around and it made me a little dizzy trying to keep up.. but we did it, we got through the first two weeks of school for me, first week and a half of having Theo starting back up and of Riley being in football, and then the first week of second grade for Riley. So far it's going well.

I've gotten on a good routine with homework, although my English class starts this week, so that'll be another adjustment.. BUT I'm feeling pretty good. A couple of weeks ago I made an Etsy account and put a few dolls up, and so far nothing has sold, but as long as it's up there, it's a good thing. And it gives me the incentive to make more.

I don't know what happened, maybe it was getting my room more organized, or actually bringing my dolls out of storage with all my supplies organized that I got... the itch to create. I don't know how many of you are artists, but you probably know what I'm talking about.. it's this feeling that nags at you to create a piece. To use your hands or mind and just go with it and see where it takes you. Well this one ... this was a BIG one.. and I'm running with it.

I made dolls out of clay. I take a block, tear what I need out and take my tool and hands and create. It is an Amazing feeling watching what you make come to life before your eyes and knowing that you made that. That there is nothing else in the WORLD exactly like what you did and it feels really good. Especially when you really do fall in love with it.

So yesterday I went to AC Moore to look around and try to get some ideas. An art supply store for an artist it like a candy or toy shop for a child. you see SO many possibilities and opportunities to create something unique and special. And when I walked in there... Inspiration Hit Me! I could make a collection of dolls.. seasonal pieces... and I would start with Halloween. There are dozens of possibilities for this. Babies in costumes. Babies dressed in fall colors.. Pumpkins.. black kitty dolls for baby... painting on a cat face with whiskers and ears and a tail... And yes I will probably try to make all of these... just hope nobody steals my ideas lol But even still.. I'm the artist... nothing would be exactly like mine.

This is the only thing in my life I can claim as being mine. Of course my kids are mine and I raised them and all that... but these dolls are what I am actually good at. And it is really exciting.

It's one thing to say your an artist... and it's quite another to show the world your art..

And now it has begun...

Yesterday marked the first official day that life became so much more busy... hectic.. insane... someone please refrain me from pulling all my hair out!

So last week I changed Griffin's life completely by giving him his own room and moving all my stuff into the guest room.. I gotta say, he does love his room. Loves having all his toys in there, loves have the rocking chair.. he loves it all. Except. One. Thing....

His bed. That bed to him now represents a gas chamber. He looks at that bed and then immediately looks at me with *the lip*... And that is the saddest lip I have every seen in my life. I swear he really does think he's a death trap. A torture chamber. The moment when Mommy stop loving Griffin. <--- that is what his face says. No joke.

So for 3 days we tried to make it work.. It didn't. The 3rd night I broke. I broke and brought him into bed with me, I just couldn't take the screaming any longer and neither could my parents. It was 3am and he was not going to stop. That was Wednesday. Now, on Wednesday, something happened that day that could've been what made that night so awful. Griffin got a dum-dum lollipop at the Hair Cuttery that day when Riley got his haircut. We were on our way to the Library and Griffin had finished his lollipop and was sticking the little stick in his ear. I was about to park and take it away when I hit a speed bump.. little did I know, that speed bump would cause him to jam that stick into his ear.. and he would let out a blood-curdling cry for 10 minutes. Now, I have never dealt with an ear injury before, so I figured if it wasn't immediately bleeding.. no harm-no foul, right? Wrong. Wrongwrongwrong.

We go about the day, he didn't take a nap that day because he refused to sleep in his crib and learned to climb out of it.. And so that night by bedtime, he was cranky. So we went through our whole routine, and he fell asleep during story time. I go to lay him down, say "night-night" and make my exit... No way. He's up and out of the crib... screaming... before I even reach the door.

This was a horrific night. Absolutely awful. So by 3am.. I am exhausted. He has been asleep for maybe 4 hours. We are supposed to leave the next morning for a mini-vacay to Ocean City, MD.

Next morning, he wakes around 7:30am. I get him up and almost immediately notice he has dried blood in his ear canal... *insert Mommy freak out emotion here*... I call the Dr.'s office and get the emergency doc and he says he needs to be seem by his physician asap...

Have I mentioned Griffin has a tendency to need immediate medical attention on the morning of EVERY VACATION?? Yes we are noticing a pattern here...

So I make an appt and take him him... Doc. Kristin (whom we LOOOVE and we see everytime we are in there) says he has a possible busted ear drum, definite trauma to his inner ear canal, a blood clot in his ear canal, and a forming scab, and then might need to see a ENT (ear,nose,throat spec.) ..... My heart just.. drops.. all because of a lollipop.. He could have permanent hearing loss/damage and needs to be put on antibiotics to prevent possible infection because now his inner ear is an open wound. OhEmGee.

So I tell her we are about to leave for the beach in like 2 hours. What do I do.. she says as long as I keep him from getting his ear wet and/or sand in it... all should be okay and we can come back in a week to check it out again.. Alright... so I head out to get the prescription and necessities and then go to get Riley.

Griffin is being really good, actually.. doesn't much act like anything is wrong, except for the occasional ear pull or crankiness. I take Riley up to his Dad's for the weekend, head back get Griffin adn we are on our way to OCMD. Griffin slept WONDERFULLY the whole trip, in the car, at the condo, on the way home.. it wasn't until we got home that we started having sleeping issues again.

So...let's just say things haven't been going that well. I am so stressed and worried and I just am not coping well..

Since we got home from the beach.. Griffin will not sleep in his crib. He refuses to go to sleep until I do and then sleeps in this state of paranoia, waking up and looking like a deer in headlights every time I possibly move away from him.. heaven forbid to get up to go down stairs.. try and write a blog or prepare for school.. do my homework maybe get some laundry done... or God No.. Have a Moment to myself. Since we've been home.. this is the first span of time I have had where Griffin is sleeping. I have spent 3-4 hours, every night, trying my damnedest to get him to sleep in his own bed so I can get some work/homework/cleaning/shower/anything at all.. done.

I honestly do not believe my emotional/mental state is holding up well at this point. Not that it helps that Riley has football four nights this week and I started school.

I wanted so badly to be able to feel as though I had some control over this week. To feel some sense of calm starting school again. But right now I feel overwhelmed. Stressed. And in need of a routine. A pattern of life I can semi rely upon and that be the only thing I need to think about. Working, School, Riley's school, therapy and sports, Griffins eating, sleeping, bathing schedule. I am in such need of a routine. Making sure I give everybody, including myself, time with just me so that we can all thrive.

Having a child like Riley who is so up and down all the time, is really difficult. Never knowing what mood you will be met with, what attitude you will receive, or what problem some parent/teacher/neighbor/child/family member will have with him on a day by day basis is really really hard. And Knowing he lies about almost everything and never wants to help and always has something to complain about... Being a Mom to Riley is a full time job within itself. If I could give him 150% of my time and attention... I still wonder if that would be enough... or if he would just want more and more and more and think it is still never enough... I can never do enough for him. And it's hard. I am so hoping this year of 2nd grade is different. That I will be able to learn more and cope better and be ready for the punches when somebody has something to say about what Riley did today.

Today was his 2nd day of football... he already doesn't want to go back. "It's not like I thought it would be" "I don't want to practice" "I don't like throwing and catching the ball"... I used my last $40 to pay for football that he SO wanted to do... and now.. now he doesn't want to play and there's still 14 practices left and 6ish games... Great. I didn't even WANT him in sports this year because I am JUST starting school. Night school. And Griffin is a terror to take to games and practices. It's not fun, not enjoyable. It would be different if my kid actually wanted to be there, but he doesn't. No matter how much he wanted to play.. he now doesn't want to be there. And so now I'm forcing both of my kids to be at these things and it is just frustrating to me.

This is so hard. I am so overwhelmed. I just want my kid to do something and love to do it and for once NOT always have soemthing negative to say.

Ugh.. this turned into a rant.. I could go on forever, though. I am so lost as to how to parent Riley the right way.. I try so hard to get him to be more active or play nice with other kids or stop lying or do something good... but he resists everything I say, do or try. I am not good enough for my kid. I am not the right Mother for him. I feel like that much is obvious. He should've been born to someone who understands him. Cause I don't. And obviously, I don't know how to Mother him the way he needs. And nothing I do is the right thing.

But I keep trying.. I keep trying different things and trying to learn different methods.. talk to his therapists and teachers and go over and over this behavior that won't change. Why doesn't anything work. Why can't I make him happy without just buying him the world. Why can't I make my own kid happy...

I don't know ... I just don't.

Today I am thankful my kids are healthy. I just wish I knew how to make them happy.

Day 3... This is a Nightmare...

Someone... please put me out of my misery.. this is a nightmare. I guess now I know why I didn't do this so long ago... I can hardly take the screaming. He is so stubborn. And today he learned how to climb out of his crib. I don't know what to do. I put him beach in and 30 seconds later, he climbs right back out!! What the heck, Griffin!! So I didn't even get to leave the bedroom today, I didn't know what to do with him.

We had gone through the whole routine, and as soon as he knew bedtime was coming, he whined and whined as if I was about to inflict the worst amounts of torture. I let him fall asleep nursing, hoping I would somehow be able to get him to sleep. No go. He's the lightest sleeper ever. And he is so exhausted.

Like I said, I didn't even make it out of the room this time for more than a few minutes before he was out of the crib, and knocking on the door. "Mommy! Mommy!" ... My poor sweet boy. I put him back in his crib and laid him down, and he's already climbing out before I can get to the door. We go through this a dozen times. Finally I try and read him another story and hope he'll lay down in his crib and go to sleep. I start "Horton Hears a Whoo"... He never ever lays down. Becomes quiet, yes.. but that's it. I get half way through the book and realize he is never going to lay down and sleep.

So I put the book down, lay him down again and start singing his favorite song. He is screaming, but as soon as I start, "Take me out to the ball game.." He calms right down and his eyes start to droop. I am thinking I am in the clear and he'll be out shortly... Not. A. Chance. As soon as I stop singing or move away from the crib.. he starts again. Wakes back up and is screaming.

This is torture for us both. It would be so easy to just take him to my bed, nurse him to sleep and then go about my night and finish what I've needed too for 2 days. I am going to the beach tomorrow and taking Riley up to his Dad's. I hadn't even started packing yet.

This goes on for hours. I put him to bed... started at least.. at 7:30pm. It is now 10 pm, and he just stopped screaming 10 minutes ago. I left him in his room, and he climbed out of his crib and laid at the door screaming and saying "Mommy" for 20 minutes.. I, as a Mom.. was out of patience juice. I knew he was safe, he's just be falling asleep on the floor until I turn his bed back into a toddler bed tomorrow. Although I'm unsure as to how I will get the door open.

I stayed in his room for 2 hours tonight.. trying to get him to stay asleep. Rocking him sometimes, singing to him others, just holding him.. but every single time I went to lay him down or open the door to leave after he'd finally fallen asleep... he would wake right back up.

Finally I had to get out of there. He has to learn. Has to learn that THAT is his room now, and that is is his and that Mommy can't put him to sleep the rest of his life. Mommy has to start school and I need to know he is okay. Right now I fear how he will be.

Now, although it was awful listening to him cry and not go to sleep even though he is so tired.. I did see my boy make a friend tonight with his Scout puppy. I sat outside his bed and as long as I was there, he was happy, and he laid there and played with this stuffed dog really for the first time. It would say "Hi Griffin" and he would say "Hi" back and he hugged it and cuddled it and turned on the music, and then he gave that puppy a kiss and made the puppy kiss him back on the cheek... it was the most precious thing. He made a friend with it and I got to see it. I love him so much.

So although this has been really difficult, I think we are both getting stronger and growing in this. I just hope he learns a little quicker, and realize Mommy is not trying to torture him, just that he needs to go to sleep in his bed.

Today, I am thankful I have my boys to love and hug and teach new things.. Having them apart of my life has made my life worth living. Even though parenting has it's challenges... in the end, they are so worth the rewards you receive.

First night apart.. And onto Day 2...

Well last night was the first night since Griffin was born that he didn't sleep with me in my bed. I knew I would have to break him eventually, so on the day he turned 18 months is the day we made it happen... it was bittersweet because although I had missed having my queen to myself... I missed that little body sleeping soundly beside me.. I did not miss his feet in my face though.. he's a wiggle worm all night long. :)

I finally went to sleep at midnight, and at 12:30am, Griffin woke up the first time. I went in, picked him up, Rocked and nursed him back to sleep... but as I got up to lay him down, he awoke again.. so I just kept going and laid him down.. I know he is tired. He cried for a few minutes, but settled down and went to sleep. He did wake up at 4:30am and fussed but went back to sleep, and then again at 6am. At that point, I went in, got him and brought him back to bed with me. Maybe not the best move, but I felt he'd had enough change and needed a little Mommy cuddle time. He went back to sleep and slept til 7:30am.

He was in a great mood all day, and since yesterday went so well, I decided to go ahead and make his nap time a little earlier, he was yawning, so I knew he was tired. I nursed and rocked him til he was about asleep and laid him down, kissed him and said, "Okay, night-night" turned the music on and left the room.

Well.. today has not gone at all like yesterday. I did exactly the same thing, but this time, he was not having it. I went in there after 5 minutes, then 10 more, then 15 more and then 20 and then 20 again.. totalling about an hour and 10 minutes... he would not settle down. So I just got him up and forgot about the nap, he would be tired tonight and would go to sleep.

Well he was getting very, Very tired at dinner time, and his head was wobbly and he started falling asleep. So I hurried up and fed him, I had to give him a bath earlier, so I just skipped the bath tonight, got his pj's on, brushed his teeth and we sat down for story time. He fell asleep during the story, and then woke when it was over. I nursed him for about 10 minutes, and he fell asleep again. I went to get up and lay him down, but he woke up. So I laid him down anyway.. this is now where the screaming starts.

I've gone in after 5 minutes. No soothing him this time.. he won't have it. I've gone in after 10 more minutes... still.. he just wants out. I know this boy is tired! He's so tired. I wish my boy would sleep. I have 2 minutes until the timer goes off again, and I will try again to soothe him. This is so heartbreaking.. I was so proud of him yesterday, I wish he would just go to sleep, he would feel so much better.

Praying for a better night and a soon sound asleep baby boy.. <3

Giving my baby his own room...

Today Griffin is 18 months old. I can't believe he is half way through his second year of life. So.. everybody has always told me I should have started him sleeping by himself months and months ago.. well I just couldn't.. I don't know if it was because he's my baby or what.. but I just felt so bad. And now, it's to the point where he is too big for this, and he needs to learn to sleep in his own bed.... and now in his own room!

So today, my Mom and I worked really hard and took down the guest bedroom bed, and then my bed and moved it into the guest bedroom, and put Griffin's crib side back up like a regular crib and changed it into his room. We moved all the toys up to his room and and the rocking chair, so we can have story time before bed time. And then some soft classical music..

Tonight is the first time we are trying it. I have a timer on my phone to alert me.. I'll go in at 10 minutes, lay him down, say *night-night I love you* and then leave. Then if he's still crying, I'll go in 15 minutes after that.. and then 20.. and so on until he learns to sleep. And I won't be in the same room anymore either, so it's big changes for Griffin... I hope he adjusts okay. I really do, it breaks my heart to hear him cry, but I think he's old enough to understand what I'm doing... he just doesn't like it. If I ever have more children, I will definitely start this much earlier.

Riley is also starting a new routine tonight, same one as Griffin's, kinda. Griffin's bedtime is now at 730pm every night, and Riley's will be at 830pm, this gives me a chance to hang out with him, give him a bath, read him a story and put him to bed. It's really important, I've learned now with having two children, that you give them equal amounts of your time. Especially your older child. They crave that attention and love much more than your younger children do right now. I think it's a feeling of being replaced or something that leads to this feeling for them.

It's really important to me, since everything starts in a week, to get the boys on a schedule. When we eat, sleep, bathe. Getting them on that schedule will make everyone's life so much easier and happier, I think. No surprises, no deviations. I am so excited about this.
So far, Griffin is doing really well.. I laid him down 15 minutes ago, and I've gone in once, but I may not have needed too because he was rolling around. But I laid him down gave him a kiss and said night night. It's so hard leaving, but I know this is so good for him. And in a few minutes, I'm going to get Riley ready for bed.. and this is going to be a great routine.. For everyone, because kids need structure just as much as parents do.

Today I am so thankful my Mom helped me put these rooms together and with laundry and getting things put away... I never could've done it all without her.. I love my Mom :)

Becoming a Nursing Student...

I don't know if I have really conveyed how EXCITED I am to become a Nursing Student. I feel like I am finally doing something for ME. And a real something for my Boys. I know that salary shouldn't be a main goal in achieving this career, and it isn't everything.. but it is a lot. I know that as a registered Nurse, I will finally be able to support my boys with no question. I really don't know why I didn't do this years ago... what was I thinking?? Obviously, I wasn't. I thought I could get by with whatever job I did and everything would be fine. Well it's not. Living paycheck to paycheck.. really not having the financial backing to support us independently. I did start college classes a few years ago.. I was majoring in business, and I wanted to own my own coffee shop/art studio somewhere on the beach. But when I found out I was pregnant with Griffin... well, things changed.. as they always do with a new child. I knew that majoring in business would not be a good idea with a new baby. So I dropped out. I didn't really know what I wanted to do or what I could do for at least a few years.

So.. I started Nannying. And that was the perfect thing for me to do while Griffin was a baby. I really didn't want to be away from him at all. So doing that helped me prepare myself and figure out what I should do with my life, and how it would effect the boys' lives. Now.. something I have figured out is that just because you make enough to support yourself and your bills... it's not enough for people to approve you for a car or apartment or house or loan or anything... And I cannot tell you how frustrating that is.

I have been wanting to get out on my own since I had to move back in with my parents 4 years ago. But it's never worked out. I probably could've worked it out with a assistant managing job i had 4 years ago.. but I just didn't know how to manage my life or my finances back then. I made the money I need to make now... but I worked 40+ hours a week ($30,000/year) but the drive was 45 minutes each way, 5 days a week... and so although it was the perfect job to attain what I needed... I was away from Riley 55 hours a week. And for all you parents... you know how much that is to be away from your toddler. Plus there was some drama going on at the workplace because I worked over teenagers.. no fun. No offense.

So I quit that job and went back to work as a waitress. And as a waitress you DO make good money. But unless you claim every penny... it's still not good enough.. and as a waitress, some of you know, you don't want to claim all your tips... and I didn't when I should have. But I was young and wasn't looking so much into the future.. just looking forward to the shopping trip I could make that weekend. Shopping is so much more fun than a renters bills.

So here I am, 26 years old, two kids and just now starting the journey to a career. But I really don't think I could've done it before. I think I had to go through the disappointment of not making enough and not being able to do what you needed.. and being stuck in a place I don't want to be as a adult.

So my excitement for becoming a Nurse is palpable. I want to get it finished as quickly as possible... and do WELL. I know I said before that I want to succeed, and I do. More than anything. So I figure this blog will become a lot of about everything in my life.. and now as a Nursing Student, classes, getting jobs and all the while being the best Mom I can be.

Let the journey begin :)

I am so thankful for everything in my life right now. It's a good place to start over.

The hectic world that will soon be my life...

I haven't really known what to write about lately.. as much as I believe this week is going by slow.. life seems to be speeding past me. Today I am taking Griffin to get his 18 months pictures taken.. a year and a half... how did that happen? Where has the time gone? So many people, in and out of our lives. So many things changing. Riley is 7 and starting flag football in 2 weeks, and then 2nd grade... that's just weird. And Then I'm starting school in two weeks.. I'm going to be a Nurse. Really.. I'm actually doing something productive and withstanding for our lives. And the most immediate thing is it's going to take a few years to accomplish.. but it's going to take care of us.

I want so badly to be successful. To ace every course and be a great student. And be on the Dean's list. I really want to succeed and do something I can be proud of and my parents can be proud of. I really just want to be able to take care of my kids and not ever have to worry again about when the child support is coming in and revolve my life around how much money there is and what bills need to be paid and what's left to get stuff for the boys. I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck. I want to take the boys on vacation. And have the money to do whatever they want.

Life is about to get crazy.. I'm not even sure what days we'll have free except maybe Fridays. Monday-Friday Riley has school and I have Theo. Monday through Wednesday I have night school and sometime I have to do my online class. Tuesday and Thursday Riley will have football practice and games on Saturday/Sundays.. And every Thursday, Riley still has Therapy from 5-6pm. And somewhere in there Griffin will need to be potty trained and get into his own room so he can learn to sleep in his bed... And somewhere in there, I am going to make a night to just spend with the boys... and one day in there there (at least a few hours)... I'm going to make sure I have time for myself... So Mommy doesn't go insane. :) and hopefully we'll get the basement finished and the boys and I will get into our space.. maybe by Christmas.. if it's finished.. we'll get a puppy.

It's going to be crazy. Next semester, I'll be taking another three classes and summertime, probably two classes, every summer. And next Fall, I need to up it to 4-5 classes. The most important thing is that I do well in my classes and I get them done as quickly as possible. I have to get 72 credits before I graduate. It seems like so many, but I know once I get more into school, some of them are worth 4 credits instead of 3.. so that cuts down on it..

I am so ready for this. I am 26 and I am going to graduate and have a profession before I'm 30. There are no ifs ands or buts about it.

Today, I am so grateful I am strong. So thankful I am willing and able to fight for what I want and achieve it. I am so happy I am the type of Mother that I can raise my sons to be strong, because I am and I am their example.

It's August already..

I just can't believe it. This year is flying by faster than any other year, it feels. Today marks the day 2 years ago that Mike and I broke up, and tomorrow marks the day a year ago that he saw Griffin for the first time.. and also the day he turned his back on him and walked away. And also the day I met Mike 5 years ago. August seems to always be a big month. It was the month, 6 years ago, that I left my husband and made the move to Pennsylvania with Riley at 15 months old.

This year is different though.. this year Riley is starting the 2nd grade and I am starting Nursing school. Griffin will be 18 months old (i can't believe we're here already).. and I finally feel as though I am moving on from Mike and my past with him. That I've let it go.

Last week, and my last blog, I wrote about how I didn't think I could let go. And now, sitting here, I feel like that was the last bit of string that was holding me. That writing that laid it all out there and I was able to see through myself and cut off what I was holding onto.. and I'm able to let go. It doesn't hurt anymore. And I finally feel as though I can move on. Not that this is the end of that road.. just that I am finally walking away and I've stopped looking back.

So, this past Thursday I went out with Peter. We went and saw Crazy, Stupid, Love with Steve Carell. And it was really fun. Great movie, btw, but going with him was a great move for me. It was comfortable and we are able to laugh together and at each other. Of course there's a nervousness, being the first date and all.. but after a few moments, it just kinda melted away.

After the movie, my boys were still awake, so I went home and put them to bed, made sure they were tucked in for the night and Peter and I went for a walk around the block. It was a little chilly and I didn't bring a jacket, so we walked close and talked. He teased me about taking him to some dark alley and just laughed together. The night was really clear, and where I live you can really see the stars.. and they were really putting on a show that night, cause it was beautiful. And I thought, this is how it's supposed to be. Comfortable, talking and laughing, and just enjoying the other person.

It wasn't ever like that with Mike. It wasn't ever that comfortable, or that happy and I start to wonder what I ever saw in him. Sure we were playful sometimes, but we were too different.

So when the date was over, I go into my house and I just smile. Cause it was just a good time. The way it's supposed to feel. Completely different than dates with Mike. I know what Peter is thinking and I know he was enjoying my company just as much as I was with him. I know you're not supposed to compare, everybody is different and fits together a different way.. but I can't help but compare and feel like I came out on the greener side of fence. Because my future can be full of laughter and joy... and all of the pain and uncertainty and lack of trust for someone in my past... is just where that's going to stay.. in my past. I wasn't sure before that if I would be able to move on and really let go of my past, but now I know there are people out there that fit me better than he did, that there's someone out there for me. It may be Peter, it may not be Peter.. but at least there's evidence of someone who's single and that makes me laugh.. and that is definitely something to smile about.

Today I'm thankful for a new day. A brighter future ahead of me. And a reason, other than my children, to look forward to tomorrow, and stop looking over my shoulder to what I've left behind.

What happens when you're the one who can't let go...

I am just that type of person, the one who can't let go.. unless I'm the one who said goodbye. And I wasn't. I don't know why these past weeks have been rough for me. Could it just be a the emotional time of month and so they are all built up to watch me fall? I wish I could stop thinking about it. I stopped talking about it. Why bother, right?

Why bother talking about something you can't change. Why bother thinking about someone you can't change. Who doesn't want to change. Who doesn't want you anymore. Just let it go.. but when does it let go of me.

Maybe it's different for me because I had his child. It's not a normal break up, it wasn't a normal relationship. But after 2 years... TWO YEARS.. I still look for him. I still long for him. I still miss him. I wonder if he thinks of me too. Misses me too.

He said he did. Said he missed me everyday. Wanted me everyday. But somehow having a child with me was the worst mistake of his life? Really? Or was it just that I, while pregnant and hormonal, broke your heart because you wouldn't stop playing poker. Because you wouldn't go to church with me. Because you wouldn't declare to me that you wanted to change for me. For the baby.

I know all the reasons that I left. I know all of the reasons I didn't crawl back to you. I know every single logical, sane and excellent reason why I stayed away from you.

So why doesn't that change how I feel. Why doesn't it make just hate you. I want to hate you. It would make everything so much easier. What's stopping me? I don't know.

You know, when I look at Griffin, and I see little bits of you in him.. sometimes I can't even pinpoint what they are, it's just like a reminder that you are a part of him. Sometimes, it's been so long that I am starting to forget what you looked like when you smiled. Cause the last few times I saw you.. you definitely weren't happy to see me. You're eyes looked so sad. So tortured. Not angry, though. And considering the way I was yelling at you and that tramp... I expected to see anger. I was angry. I was hurt. But I didn't. I saw pain.

I keep thinking back.. seeing each and every way I should've done things differently. I should've swallowed my anger. My hurt. My pain. Never shown you an ounce of feeling. Like you did to me. I should've never texted you all those times and tried to remind you of way back when.. way back when we were happy. A lifetime ago. I think it only hardened you more.

That song "Cold as you" by Taylor Swift... reminds me of you. Many songs remind me of you.

So what happens when you're the one who can't let go. When you know you deserve better. You know you can do better and find someone who will treat you like you should be treated. But will I always be looking over my shoulder. Will I always look for that bright red Jeep Cherokee, trying to see if it's you? Will I be compelled to drive by your house when I'm close by to see if your home.. or if tramp is there. (yes I'm that ex gf lol)

I'm scared I will never let you go. That you will never be far from my mind. That I will be married and moved away and I will still wonder where you are. What your doing and who you are with. Will it ever go away.

I still wonder how we got here. To this place where I have our child and you are sending me checks in the mail. You said your feelings for me would never fade. You said few words that mean so much. I wish I didn't feel so much.

I wish he didn't resemble you so much, to me. I love him so much. I wonder sometimes if I love him so much because of how much I loved you. And I wonder if I will ever be able to let that go so that I can truly move on. And stop seeing him as ours. Stop seeing you in him.

I know that I can date. I know it's possible for me to go out with someone. Enjoy their company. But I don't know if I have the capability to really feel for anyone. The walls are up so high, that I don't want to feel. I think that is how you feel too. After being with her for a year, you still felt nothing for her. I am afraid I would be that way too with anyone new. Could I ever really love someone again AND let go of you... That I don't know.

I wish I knew all the answers. I wish I didn't still hurt. I wish it hadn't been 2 years already and I still feel like it's only been a few weeks. So much time has passed. So much has changed. You made so many choices I can never forgive. I wish I could forgive you. But I feel that if I did and tried to fix things, I would never respect myself again. I could never look myself in the face.

You made the wrong choices. You did the irreparable damage. You walked away. I didn't. I still had two feet in the door waiting for you to show up at my door. I had the baby.. you were supposed to come crawling back this time. I texted you. I asked you to come see the baby. Fro months. You ignored me. You started seeing someone new. You did that. Not me. You cannot blame me. You chose this life.. and we both have to deal with the aftermath of that.

I just wish things could've been different. Different in the way that we can't even share the life of the one we created together.. created with a love for each other that still surpasses time and distance.

Things should have been different.

Things are looking up...

So I finally got my school stuff squared away, just have to get my parking permit and my school I.D. I'm kinda excited, actually. I got a backpack today that I LOVE and all of mine and Riley's school supplies. I really don't think I'm going to do any back to school clothes shopping for Riley this year, except for some new shoes. Money is still tight and I want to make sure I start building back up my savings. Right now it's at Zero.

About a year ago I started a savings account for both of my boys and one for myself. Theirs still has some money in it, mine doesn't have any. Things got really tight a few months ago, and I have to wipe it clean, and I really haven't been able to get money back in.. there's always something else that we need to get.

Next thing on the agenda is a apartment. For the last 6 months or so, my parents and I have thrown around the idea of finishing their full basement into a 3 bedroom apartment for the boys and I. It's a 1,100 sq ft space and already has the rough plumbing for a full bathroom too. It wouldn't have a stove, but it would have a mini kitchen and a sink. Also a living room and space for a table and chairs. We really started to move forward with the idea when all the apartment and house plans fell through, because I don't make enough money. And that was when I signed up for school.

I have always been a very quick decisions... usually on all the biggest decisions... kind of person lol but hey, that's me. So I signed up as a Nursing Major. Four years of school... very difficult schooling. But I'm ready for it. I didn't really know how much a Nurses' salary was, I just figured it would be enough. But I looked into it yesterday and found out it's actually around $50k-$70k a year! WOW! I am amazed.. So that is even more of a incentive to do the best I can at school as well as clinicals and get it done as soon as possible.

So for the last two weeks, we've had three people come in to give estimates on how much it'll cost to get the basement finished. So far, no real numbers are back yet. But we're hopeful it'll be within our range. And after that gets accomplished, we can get a loan and then get started.

And THEN, when that's all said and done... Guess who is getting a Puppy!! Yep, me :) I'm REALLY excited about that part.

It really feels like things are looking on the up and up and I am Really hoping they stay that way..

I am 26 years old, I am a single Mom of two boys, going to school to become a nurse and working as a full time nanny/babysitter. Life really should be well on its way by now.

Today I am thankful for the opportunity to go to school. To have a great school for my son to go too, and that today I am free to go to school as a single mother. That my kids are given a great education and that I can earn a degree to support us and help other people. Thank God that today, America is still free.

Bullying...

Lately on television, there have been numerous programs and movies about bullying. In the last decade, hundreds of children have committed either suicide or murder because of this cruel act.

Last night, I was fbooking with an old friend of mine, talking about a guy I dated when I was 15 and 16 years old. I won't say his name, but I will say he was much older than me, and anybody from my past knows who he is. So I was 15/16 years old and he was 21. He went to my church and was a elder member of my youth group. He was my first *real* boyfriend. First kiss. First guy I ever thought I was *in love* with. Well we dated through my 16th birthday, he said he was in love with me, nobody ever made him feel this way, and he wanted to marry me. <---- this freaked me out.

That summer, I went to Memphis, Tennessee to stay with my sister for a couple of months, and help her husband build a church. It was my first paying job. Being away from him put things into perspective for me, and I realized I wasn't ready for this kind of relationship. So by the end of summer, when I got home, I broke up with him. He was ... really upset. I hadn't ever really broken up with anybody before, I didn't know what to expect. I realized it wouldn't be easy, but felt like he would see it was the best thing also.

Well.. he didn't.

For the next year and a half, he made my life a living nightmare. He made fun of me at every opportunity. Gave me demeaning nicknames like "Bath Water Bethany" or "Bertha" (a name representing someone hideous and over weight). And he used these names everytime I saw him. Especially around other people, to make my humiliation worse. He told my youth pastor many untruths, and made everybody against me with a sour opinion of me. He spread lies. Told jokes at my expense. Made me hate myself.

But whenever he had the opportunity to get me alone, he was always trying to seduce me in some shape or form. Telling me he still loved me. He still thought about me all the time.

This went on for 18 months. End of summer 2001 to Spring 2003. Even my friends partook in his jokes. I couldn't date anybody else in my youth group, because anybody that was new that came in and liked me, he would immediately befriend them and turn them against me too. Eventually I didn't have many friends. And being the only child at home, with two working parents, I spent a lot of time alone.

I believed he did love me. And that all these mean things he did were because I hurt him, but on the inside he still loved me. So this in turn twisted what I thought of love. That is was okay for someone to treat me poorly, as long as they told me they loved me.

One year after I had broken up with him, I started going online into chat rooms. I was seeking someone to talk too. And truthfully, I was very vunerable and very easy prey. I wanted someone to tell me I was pretty. Someone to listen to what I had to say. That is what I found in Jason. My first husband.

Jason did and said everything I thought he should say. I would pray to God that I would find somebody to really love me. I thought that God gave me Jason. He lived in Alabama, he spent money on phone cards to call me. He sent me cards. He was always online waiting for me. I thought I was his life. I thought him spending money on me was equal to having more affection. I was 17. Lonely. Naive.

Jason was very controlling over my thoughts and actions. Even from far away, if he didn't want me to do it, I wouldn't. School dances. Out with friends. Nothing. It was my Senior Year of high school.

The only things I fought him on was Winter Formal, because I had already promised Micah I would go with him. So I wasn't going to break that promise. But I didn't go to Prom. I met Jason the first time in April 2003, I went to Tennessee to visit my sister and he convinced me to lie and meet up with him. So I did. I went back home and was about to finish my Senior Year, turn 18, get my driver's license, and graduate high school. Should've been great.. but I allowed him to control me.

When I was young, my biggest dream was to get married and have babies. To find someone to love me. I had no idea who I was as a person. No idea that I should be dreaming of what I wanted or should do BEFORE getting married and having babies.

One thing I realized last night was that if I had never met that first boyfriend. If he had never treated me so cruelly and at the same time told me how much he loved me.. I never would've been drawn to the Internet to find someone to be nice to me. I never would've expected cruelty to go hand in hand with love. I never would've accepted it from my boyfriends afterwards and then my husband.

The bullying I went through set me up for years of a twisted view of I deserved as a person. My worth as a person.



Without Riley, I don't know where I would be. But I wouldn't be who I am. And even then. I did things for Riley, never for myself.  I didn't start to gain any self worth until he was about 3.

By this time I had met Griffin's father, moved in with him, and was dealt more reasons why I was worth nothing to a man. We lived together for 9 months. He still said he didn't love me. I had given him everything of me that i had, and he still didn't love me. So we broke up.

Up until this time, I never met anybody who really loved me. Never truly felt worthy of love.

.................

I started this blog to show how *bullying* can mess a person up so badly, it sets them up for a lifetime of pain. Losing any morsel of self-worth. Any reason to feel worthy of someone.. Why even go on living.

I get it. Only in my case, I just kept searching. Kept putting myself out there to either be knocked down or built back up.. I had no way of knowing what would happen next. But optimism is what kept me going. And great parents to fall back on.

Some aren't so lucky, they sell themselves for whatever price they are given. They take themselves out of the equation permanently with suicide. Or they take their bullies out with murder, and that's how they feel they are taking the control back.

Today I am thankful for great people I have now in my life that show me I am worthy of love. Mark.. The first person to love me for me.. and not what I could give him or do for him. Michelle who's always been a great friend to me. Sonia who I'm not in contact with anymore, but was a great friend to me. And Kathy, who spent hours upon hours in the last year building me up where I had hit rock bottom. You all mean the world to me.

Little reminders that hurt...

And are forcing me to remember the pain I've been successfully pushing down for the past 7 weeks.

I changed the CD in my car a few days ago. I don't remember why I chose this CD, just that I was tired of commercials on the radio. So, while flipping through my case, 98% of these CD's I've had since I was a teenager, never got rid of any of them. Added a few, more in the last 2 years than in the last 10 years combined. A cd I bought a few months ago is by A Fine Frenzy. A GREAT cd. I really love it. But at the same time I really hate it because it brings back up a lot of feelings I am hoping die. But strangely, I keep listening, as if these feelings are old friends of mine.

One of the songs is Ashes and Wine, and the chorus keeps going through my mind..

"Is there a chance, a fragment of light at the end of the tunnel, a reason to fight. Is there a chance you might change your mind, or are we ashes and wine."

The way she sings it is so beautiful and catchy, I can't help but sing it over and over again. I can't help but wonder if I was weaker, would I be saying these words to him.

Seven weeks ago, I took one last chance to reach out to him. I was almost compelled to do so, as if I couldn't stop myself. In return, I got silence from him. But a mouthful from his tramp.

It wasn't necessarily the words that she said that hurt me. It was the silence from him that followed. He's always done this, for as long as I can remember. He's angry with me, he ignores. He's hurt, he ignores. I Hate being ignored. And so normally, I would've gone to his house and made him listen to me. I did do this a few times since December 2010. But... I have refrained for months. I haven't texted him in almost 2 months. Since she texted me back, said all of those things.. I knew I couldn't put myself through it anymore. I couldn't allow myself to be hit by that train of betrayal.. not even one more time. It seemed to surprise me every single time he ignored me. Every single time he didn't respond.

I even sent *spoof* texts a few times... lies to make him angry and in MY vain hope, get a rise out of him to make him respond. But it never worked. Nothing I did or tried or said worked. But he continued to tell me that he would always love me when he Did say anything. Which was rare. The last text was April 9th.. Said his "feelings for me would never fade, but he needed to do this for himself..." no mention of Griffin. Did he ever feel anything for this sweet child. I will never know.

So this weekend has been a little emotionally hard for me. I've been in my head a lot more. Thinking about the future. Wondering where he would be or I would be a few years from now. How differently our lives may unfold.

It's my hope that I am married to a wonderful man, who is a loving and doting Dad to my kids. I can't count on it, but I am diligently hoping.

I know I should take that CD out of my car... but I feel like maybe it helps to numb the pain. Facing it head on, instead of hiding from it. That is what I have always done. I don't hide. I will never hide from what I feel. I may not always show the other person how I feel, but I am honest with myself. And I try my best to be honest with others.

I will always love him. I will always have a place in my heart that is only his. I can only hope that one day, I can stop seeing his face on my sweet boy. Seeing his face on Griffin is like a stab in the chest knowing he is not there. But I also can't predict the type of father he would have been... and so therefore.. I am kind of grateful.. Because if the last year and a half have shown what his true colors really are... then he would've squashed my sweet boys cheerful spirit. And that would be devastating.

Today, I am so grateful to be able to enjoy Griffin's smile and joy every single day. The joy he brings to me and everybody around him. Griffin has changed me in ways I cannot always express, but feel inside of my heart. And for that alone, I will always be grateful to the one who helped me create him, and God for giving me (and granting me the gift of calling him) my son.

Frustration..

My day today started at 1:14am, when I realized I had laid down with Griffin to put him to bed at 8pm the previous evening, and am waking up, fully dressed and not sure what happened, who put Riley to bed, and how it is 1:14am. Sigh.. I hate it when this happens.

I look for my phone, for I was in the middle of a text convo when I fell asleep around 8:45pm, I'm guessing. I can't find it. I can't find my glasses, I am totally disoriented. And with my moving around the bed, Griffin is now waking up, very upset. Sigh. So I work on getting him back to sleep, look for my phone, finally found it. I have several missed calls and texts... Sigh..

Griffin gets to sleep, I finally get out of bed and check on Riley. He's asleep, I know my parents have put him to bed, I just don't know why nobody woke me up. Riley is asleep, and I quietly make it over to my clothes and get my pjs on. I feel stiff and grumpy.

I crawl back into bed, call him back, I know he's still awake. And I in turn fall back asleep within a few minutes. Dreaming instantly and mumbling something about *spiders*. Sigh. Sometimes I wish I didn't fall asleep so quickly.

7am comes too soon, I feel like I've had no sleep at all, even though it's been around 11 hours. Griffin and Riley are still sleeping, I get up to make coffee around 7:30. Griffin wakes a few minutes later.

I haven't written a blog in a week, and I've thought about it many times, but one thing about writing blogs where you know certain people read them.. you can't talk about certain things, so it's better to wait until the anger, irritation and regret pass enough before you start writing again.

This day started out frustrating and it still is. There's been ketchup on white shirts and pencil shavings covering the floor. Too many clothes to put away and not enough energy to clean the rest of the mess covering the house. And the sound of brothers fighting over EVERYTHING filling every morsel of air in the house. But the day must continue..

Somebody trade me places today. My seven year old has a death wish. I promise you he acts worse than a 2 year old 90% of everyday now. I'm praying this is a phase... and it will soon phase out.

Somebody trade me places today.. Anybody? Sigh.

Sorry this is boring. I just try and try and try to connect with my kid and it's not working. My mom and I took the boys bowling yesterday. Riley is a terrible sport. The worst. I try to show him a technique that will keep the ball going straight, and stop swerving... He wants nothing to do with it. He literally starts throwing a tantrum. Who the heck IS this kid?? Cause he's not mine. He's changed. He no longer talks in a regular voice; he whines over EVERYTHING. He throws tantrums. He yells at me or at his brother. He is dramatic to my breaking point. Will not listen to anything.. not even suggestions to help him.

During bowling he tells me he wants skittles from the snack bar. I say, "No, remember we are going to get ice cream after bowling." Riley: "NO! I want skittles!" Me: "Riley, we're getting ice cream, you don't need skittles." I am very calm during this. I have been really working on being on top of him and not just giving in to him. He is not taking to this very well. His attitude goes sour. He no longer wants to bowl. Throws a fit if he gets anything other than a strike. This behavior is Embarrassing.

As a mother.. what do I do. He was supposed to stay at his Dad's this week until Saturday. But every night when I called him, he was crying for me to come and get him. I waited until Tuesday, but I finally get him. He was acting there just how he's been here. Next time, I will not be going to get him.

We go to get ice cream at this place called YoFro Sweets (my new favorite place). I let Riley pick out whatever he wants and we get it. After I was done with mine, they have free samples, so I was trying a couple that I hadn't had before for next time we go. Riley is about 3/4 done with his ice cream. He wants a sample. So I get one for him, no biggie. Now he wants another sample of the same kind, but doesn't want to finish his ice cream I paid $4 for. This. Is. Frustrating. I tell him if he can't finish his own ice cream, he can't have a sample. He is then thirsty. He wants a soda. I say no, we're going home after this, you can get a drink at home. Riley: "I'M THIRSTY! I WANT A DRINK!!!" ... I am about to LOSE IT.

How can one child be so ungrateful. I will admit, I have spoiled him, but I have NOT spoiled him THIS bad. That he would act this way. He never acted this way before.. why is this starting now?

It feels like it never stops. The fight with him never stops. I am never right. He never listens. I can never say something once, it has to be repeated 5 times. Not even the simplest task can be asked without a fight. Put your clothes in the hamper. Make your bed. Take a shower. Get dressed. Clean up after yourself. These are simple enough things. Things he should be learning to do on his own. Things he should already know how to do. But after each request I am met with obstinance. Whiny voice. A child telling me No.

Some days, like today. I just want to put my head in my heads. Why does it have to be so hard. What did I do so wrong that he refuses to listen.

He's not a bad kid. I love him to death. He has a good heart.

As I sit here writing this, Griffin plays with his toys, and Riley.. who just got in trouble for whining and I told him if he wants to act like a toddler he can take a nap like a toddler.. is laying on the couch rattling off a mile long list of what he wants for Christmas... I really feel like this year I should let him wake up to a pile of clothes and socks for Christmas. But I would never do that. This year is going to be tight. I won't be able to give him a grand Christmas.. maybe somehow, between now and then, I can teach him some humility. Some generosity. How though. How at 7 years old can I teach him to respect me, to really understand his own behavior.

To act like the good kid I know he can be.

Today I'm thankful my kids and I are healthy. and that everyday, I can keep trying to connect with my child, and hope that someday, he'll see how hard I tried, and not remember through the colored eyes of a 7 year old child.

Reflection..

This week has been rough on me as a Mom. I've questioned myself in ways I never have before. Questioned methods and discipline tactics and if I am rewarding too much or too little. You can all probably guess that Riley has been my main issue this week. And so I think Mommy needs a time out.

I have been having problems with Riley because he is 7 years old and pushing his limits in a bad way. You think a 17 month old is bad? Just wait until they have a mind of their own and back talk you to your face. What do you do? Automatic reaction: Slap the part that's disobeying; his mouth. But I can't do that.

One thing I have always down with Riley that I may or may not do with Griffin, is try to talk to him on his level, instead of talking down to him. This may or may not have been a good idea. Because the down side is that Riley thinks he is a little adult, and tends to not think the rules apply to him.

Because I was 18 when I had him, I grew with him. I don't even think I was really my own person until I was around 20-21 years old. And so for Riley, that meant he had a Mom that wasn't really a *Mom* yet. And so by the time I finally started really acting like his Mom, it was too late and he already had bad learned behaviors from me. In allowing him to act like a little adult, rather than allowing him to really be a child. That is a hard line to follow, but like with Griffin, I am raising him totally different. And coming at Riley like this, so late in the game, just isn't working. But I'm still trying.

So, in essence, being Riley's Mom is a lot more difficult than being Griffin's Mom. Riley went through the time of me working a lot and not being around a lot, and I didn't really see the problem with that until I got pregnant with Griffin and I didn't want to miss anything. But when Riley was just older than Griffin now, I started working 2 full time jobs and he went into daycare. And I allowed my parents to pick up the slack of parenting so I could work. And that was wrong. I did this for awhile, and then I moved into an apartment for us, and it continued. And then my boyfriend moved into the apartment with us.. And my focus shifted. So I worked, had a boyfriend, and Riley ended up coming last. I didn't do this on purpose, but that is the way it happened, and I didn't start rectifying this mistake until Mike and I broke up and I started seeing the value of my child. I lost my apt by this time, my job, and my car. It took a little bit longer, though, to really start to change for me. And during this time, Riley was getting older and seeing that he wasn't Mom's #1, and it hurt our relationship. The good thing was that our foundation was still there, from before I moved in with my parents and got a job. Because up until then, Riley was everything to me.

I'm not sure when I started to Really change, exactly, but I think it was around the time Riley was 3-4. It is amazing how much damage can be done between a child and his parent at this young of an age. Riley felt abandoned by his father who was never around, and his Mom who was either always working or always with her boyfriend. This is actually really difficult for me to write, seeing all the mistakes I made with him in clear view, hurts me so much. But I did start to change, and I believe it was just in time, although the effects of my mistakes are still there. The emotional scars.

So for the last 3 1/2 years, I've been working on making our relationship stronger and making sure he knows how much I love him and I want to be there for him. This in turn is difficult in being his Mom, because I don't want to cause more damage by making him mad at me by disciplining him. and it also makes me want to buy him whatever he wants in order make him happy. <--- Mistake. This is a big mistake, many many many parents make. I have learned that children NEED rules and discipline and structure in Order to be happy! It's an amazing concept, and some people don't believe it, but it really is the truth. Too many rules with little fun is not good, and finding the balance between these two is increasingly difficult with age.

So I had already started to repair my relationship with Riley, but also bought him a lot of gifts to make up for the bad years (even tho I still bought him stuff during that time too), but I felt like maybe he needed extra encouragement to know how much I loved him. Rebuilding a relationship is hard. Probably one of the most difficult things because you don't have a blank canvas, you have to go back and go over the bad parts and try to change their effect, without being able to erase them.

But I've been trying. For 3.5 years, Riley and I have been working at rebuilding our relationship, and I think it's working. The kid knows I love him, knows he's uber important to me, and that I am and always will be his Mom.



It was hard having a second child, but not for the regular reasons. It was hard because with Griffin I had a blank canvas, and I want to make NONE of the mistakes I did with Riley, but at the same time, working on rebuilding that relationship with Riley with a new baby around, is really hard. Mostly, because he doesn't want to let me in.

So here I am, working everyday harder at being Riley's and Griffin's Mom. You are never the same Mom to all your children, which is a difficult concept, but your children all have different needs. I am 26 now, and if I could've started having children at this age instead of at 18, everything would've been different. I often have wished I could've had Riley at a later age, because for his sake, I would've been a million times better Mom for him and would've been able to give him everything he needed emotionally. But I didn't, and I can't change when I had him, I can only change every day I am with him, and hope by the end of that day I did something right.

Today I am thankful that I realized my mistakes before it was too late for Riley, and before Griffin was born. I am grateful for the support system I have with my parents, that they can tell me when I am making a mistake, or that I am doing a good job. And mostly, I am thankful for my boys, and how having them has made me into the person I am today. A better person than I ever would've been without their love for me.

Don't really have a theme today...

Well, today is a quiet day, the boys and I went grocery shopping (a feat, lemme tell ya) and now we are home and all the groceries are put away. It was so nice being able to buy groceries, it was the first time we'd done a big trip in a month. My lunch is making, and the boys are eating theirs and Riley is watching old Looney Tunes cartoons.


Later today, I'll be sending out a care package to my soldier, I really hopes he likes everything :) And I can't wait to see what I can put in the next one. I got my first letter last week and so that was exciting. He's a really nice guy, from what I can tell.


Today I hope to accomplish cleaning up the little messes that have been left all over the house, and then taking the boys outside to play. Maybe even over to my sisters later to swim. Sigh.. this blog seems boring lol just like my day today, but it's a good boring, like just calm.


I'm looking forward to the possibility if I can go to California next month, I am hoping to take the boys to Disneyland for the first time, I think they'll LOVE it :) I want to take Riley before he starts to lose the magic of it. He may be only 7, but kids nowadays grow older much faster than their age. It saddens me, because I feel like their innocence in being a child is gone before they even get a chance to fully express their imagination.


I know for me, I grew up late, and then hit fast forward through my early adulthood. I still liked playing with dolls until I was 12-13 and I never really lost that. Playing dolls and dress up and babies. I wish I still had all of my collection from when I was a kid, but I don't have any of it. One thing I always wanted was my own wooden dollhouse. I still want one, with working lights. And since I make dolls, I could make all the people and stuff. I know as a teen I loved going to Tall Mouse and looking at all their doll house stuff. They even had carpet, and wood floors and wall paper. It was amazing. I never ever lost my imagination. I never ever lost my willingness to dream and believe in Magic.


I believe that I've become jaded through the years yes, like everybody, but I still have never lost the child in me that still believes. I guess that is like my faith in God. I have always had such a strong, unshakable faith in God, and that has been what has gotten me through the toughest chapters in my life. My faith is unshakable. And I guess that's me virtually throwing out a challenge to the the evil of the world to try and shake that faith, but that's not what I'm doing. I just believe. And that belief is stored in my heart.


I wish there was a way to stop the cruelty of this world in jading our children. I wish I didn't have to worry have my son being 10 or 12 years old and sexting girls, or having sex for the first time. Or whatever kids do that I didn't do until I was much older. How scary this world is that we can hardly let our children walk to the bus stop to help them gain independence, without the fear they will be kidnapped by some child predator. You are really never safe.


It's not enough we have to protect our children from other people, but we have to protect them from themselves. With drugs, and porn, and commercials, their minds are exposed. Exposed too early to addictions and harmful lifestyles. They are disrespectful and hurtful to their parents, the people who love them most in the world, and then are completely self -destructive. One thing that bothers me most is when people say, "If kids want to have sex, they'll find a way to do it, there's nothing you can do." WELL WHY NOT. Am I not their parent? Am I not the one who GAVE them life? How can I do nothing to stop a child from having sex?? It is CRIPPLING. I am Helpless and Scared of having teenagers or pre-teens.


It is the scariest thing in the world to be a parent. So scary. You hope to GOD you've done your job right by the time they are 11 years old, because once hormones kick in and they start Junior High.. there's practically nothing more you can do. You can hope and pray they are making the right choices, because by that time, your influence over their life is done. How scary is that... It used to be you had control til they were 18 and out of the house, then 16 when they got their license, then 14 when they started high school and started thinking they were adults.. and now pre-teens are having sex and smoking weed. Thirteen years old. Maybe some of you, who don't have children, and have or are smoking weed, don't think this is a big deal. But it is! Weed is the starter, sometimes that's all they do, but what if it's a gateway drug to something worse.


Yesterday, at Church they asked the congregation of about 300+ people, how many could raise their hands if they had a family member who was struggling with addictions.. can you guess how many people raised their hands? About half the church. That is CRAZY! I feel like there is nothing I can do to protect my kids.


I can't control who they meet at school. Who they make friends with. Riley is is going into 2nd grade. In first grade is was 6 years old and he came home asking me what BEER is because his friends at school, in his class, really like it. He's 6!!

(added 7/12/2011)

If at 6 years old, he is already being introduced to the idea of alcohol from children at school, then I know I can never feel safe at letting him go over to someone's house. And skipping ahead to when he's around 12 years old, when he wants to start earning his own money, can I let him start a paper route without following him to every house? No, I can't. Because there are SO many evil people in this world, he is barely safe out side of the house on his own.

There's this show called Vanished, on lifetime, that I watch and I swear it's made me ever more paranoid than I already was. But they showed the first Milk Carton child was a 12 year old paper boy, who was kidnapped and then brought into a cult for sexual predators and he was kidnapped on his FIRST morning out without his parents. He didn't want to wake them, and wanted to do it on his own. And then he was gone.

Or the 9 year old little girl in Florida who was taken out of her bed. Raped by a convicted child molester, and then buried alive 200 yards from her front door.

These stories are MASSIVE. I start to wonder why we even have children if we can't even protect them.

Even me, at 4 years old, was almost kidnapped by a man on the sidewalk in front of my house. If not for my Dad coming outside at the EXACT right second with a baseball bat, I would not be writing this today. I would probably be dead. With too many horrible things done to me before my death.

Just food for thought.

Today, I am thankful I still have time.. and that I can do everything I can to keep them safe.

Accomplished...

The last couple of days, I've gotten a lot done. I went through all of my financial information, every single paper that has my name on it or one of the boys, and organized, got rid of or put away every last piece. I did this with EVERYTHING I own that is not in the basement. All of my stuff, the boys toys and clothes, shoes, bathrooms... I cleaned Everything. Whew~! I am tired.. but I feel GREAT!

I was telling my Mom today that I feel like I am wiping away all the black clouds I've had hanging over my head. Cleaning up the things I've allowed to become cluttered and ignored. Things I've looked at and let go because I didn't want to deal with it. Depression is a terrible thing. They call it a disease because people feel as though they have no control on it until it becomes too late and it's consumed everything. I'd have to agree with that to a point.

I agree depression takes over your world. I agree that depression can feel overwhelming. I agree that you feel like you have no control over it. But you do. You DO have control, you just have to take it back and claim it. And it's not a "Okay, I'm taking my life back." And that's that. You have to make that decision every single day when you wake up, because otherwise, it gets away from you again, and it takes you back over before you realize it. I've allowed myself to let it control me for a long time.

But I am working on making the choice to live my own life and take back that control. I made it yesterday, I made it today, and I'm going to make it tomorrow. It's true, depression hurts. It hurts you, it hurts your friends and family. And some days, you really can't help but wallow in it. You can't do anything but cry, or be angry, or feel broken. But one day, you'll wake up. Wake up and realize time has gotten away from you. Things have been let go.

Time is a valuable thing. It's all you have to fill up on with your family, friends, work. Time is precious. Too precious to lose.

When you have children, you realize how fast time goes. How quickly it passes and you lose moments or you feel like one moment could last a lifetime. Like the moment you hear your baby's heartbeat for the first time through a sonogram. Or the first time your baby recognizes you and smiles. These moments are precious. Depression takes these moments away.

The past 2 years for me have been big. I have learned so much on how to cherish moments with my kids, and how important it is to take a moment for myself. As a woman, as a mother. I matter too, and if I don't take care of me, no one else will. And if I don't take care of my kids, no one else will. In the end, I am fully responsible for their life. Their well being. And if I don't take care of me, then how can I fully take care of them?

That's why I write blogs, it's my moment to take care and express my thoughts, and a way for me to look back at how far I've come.

I just hope that with every blog I write, I touch someone else. I hope that what I go through and bring myself and my boys through can help someone see that they can do it too.

I have heard friends of mine say.."I'm not as strong as you." My response..."how do you know??" I didn't know I could do something until I did it. I don't know how I get through everyday until I'm on the other side! I am not strong, I'm determined. I'm stubborn. I'm selfish enough that I want to be happy too! Yes, I said it. I'm selfish. I'm willful. I'm stubborn and EVERY bit of IMPERFECTION.

I don't strive to be the perfect Mom. I strive to end each day knowing I did my best, and if I fell short of that, I am humble enough to apologize and try again. Riley can tell you, I apologize when I lose my temper. I talk to my son and I will tell him, I am not perfect. But I will do my best.

Sometimes I shove my opinion down some ones throat. Yes.. I will admit that. I will admit when I am wrong... BUT.. if I believe I am right, you'll know it. And you probably won't like it. BUT I will only tell you what I think if I love you. If I care about your well being.

Anyways. I don't know where I was going with all this. I just wanted to write. Sometimes writing is the best therapy. Cleaning is also great therapy.. we just don't always like it :)

Today I am so thankful for my life. And everything and everyone in it. And that I still have time to wipe away the rest of my little black clouds..

Goals..

Goals are a great thing, they are what make life worth striving for to get to the next day. A goal can be something small or big, take an hour or years to attain, it's all about your endurance. Have you set any goals lately? I know I do, everyday there is some kind of new goal. Sometimes as small as taking a shower that day... or making a yearly budget to be firm too.

Right now I have a lot of goals. Some are long term, a few are set for a few weeks.

Goal 1: Get Riley's room organized before tomorrow night.
Goal 2: Grocery shop.
Goal 3: Make 5 dolls by the end of next week and get them up on eBay by the the following week.
Goal 4: Go a whole day without thinking about Mike.
Goal 5: Don't get lower than a B in any of my classes over the next 4 years.

I could do this all day. I have hundreds of goals, everyday, setting a new one to attain.. it's the only way I get myself through this life. There are many goals I fail, everyday.. I fail at something. But I think that's why I set so many, so I can't come down so hard on myself.

I remember in high school, I used to make a calendar on a piece of paper, and I would make it on both sides and put all the things I was looking forward too, so that I could see how many days I had until I reached that special thing. And I would put it in the clear part of my binder so I would see it every time I took it out. And everyday, I would "X" out that day. I still do stuff like that. It's like I need to know EXACTLY how long I have to wait, or else I go crazy.

Somethings I don't get a timeline for. I don't know how long it'll be before this thing happens, so I am waiting in this limbo of uncertainty. And the waiting is hard. Sometimes I make rash decisions, because I'm so tired of waiting for Mr. Right, and I want to be satisfied right now. The last time I made a decision like that, I got Griffin... Yea. I don't make rash decisions anymore. lol.

This month, it's been two years since I have been in a relationship. Two years since I've had any type of intimate relationship with anybody. I made the decision back then then I needed to wait for the right man. That being satisfied right now was not how I wanted to live my life. That was not the example I wanted to set for my sons. And it was not what I wanted for myself.

This was a long term goal that I had no end for. A goal that I wasn't sure was the right decision. I didn't know then, that two years later, I would seemingly be in the exact same spot I started in. That to an untrained eye, it would seem that my life hasn't changed at all. Even to my own eyes, when I am down and feeling desperate, I feel as though I haven't moved. But I have and so many things have changed for me.

I still get that feeling sometimes, desperate for affection, willing to settle for something less than what I am striving for to get a little attention. To feel like a woman again, instead of a mother. Instead of a dried up old maid.

It's hard to believe that I will ever find what I'm looking for. That after two years, there's been no sign of something special. Something worth waiting all that time. I've gone out, here and there, and everybody is great in their own way, but mostly they would be great for someone else, and the connection just isn't there. Just not what I'm looking for.

I wonder if God is really listening, but I know He always is. I know He has my best interests at heart, and when the time is right, I'll know.

In the meantime, I have many goals set to keep me busy. Many goals to attain to hopefully help my heart from feeling so alone. As a mother, I am whole and I am doing everything I can. As a woman, I am still void. Still searching for what makes me complete. I am good on my own, don't think I am feeling as though a man would complete me. But the addition it would make to my life, would make everything worth while.

So that is a goal that is still going, may go on for much longer, but I am hoping everyday, I catch God in the right mood and he's feeling generous that day and will drop him on my doorstep.. hopefully with a sign.. "I AM YOUR SOUL MATE, MARRY ME." ... that would be ideal.. ;) haha

Until then, I have other goals to attend too. Other things to accomplish, that will hopefully make me appealing to SOMEBODY haha.

I am not a woman with baggage, I am a whole package. This is something I feel I need to remind myself of. Something I think somee men need to be reminded of. I have two amazing children... not two balls on chains that will drag you down into the depths of the ocean. I am a strong person because I have to be, and to some, that is off putting. I don't mean it to be, but I have to protect myself and my kids.

Today, I am so thankful to know my worth as a person, as a woman, as a future wife to not settle for something less than I deserve. I am thankful to be able to resist the temptation of immediate satisfaction in allowing myself to be used for the wrong reasons, or use somebody else for the wrong reasons.