Well, where to start, I really don't know. So many things have happened in the last 5 months, but I just feel right now I need a place to go to vent/talk/share.
Most recently, things have been going good and bad. I started my 2nd semester at HACC for Nursing. I thought I was going to be able to apply for Clinicals in August 2012, but things just really haven't turned out the way I planned. Looks like it will be held off for another year, so that I can get in and pass all of my classes. Right now I'm having a little trouble. I don't know if it's just now only 4 weeks left and so I've gotten lazy or if I am just depressed and don't have the motivation to do it. I do feel depressed. I feel overwhelmed and like I'm being pulled in too many directions and there's too many things to do that I don't even know where to start. Home work or Cleaning. Laundry or Dinner, Shower or no shower. Date or don't date. I've now tried it. Failed. I just can't do it. It's too hard to date and have everything that I have going on to remain stable on my tray. I feel like I'm a waitress that is overloaded with hot plates.. and it's a miracle if I make it to the table without dropping them. It's a miracle I'm getting through the day right now. I don't feel like getting up in the morning. I just want to shut the world out and sleep.
I do have good things going. My boys. They are doing wonderfully. Especially Riley. He has grown up so much in the last 6 months. Matured. Opened up to me and Griffin. Becoming affectionate and loving with his words and actions. His heart is showing and it's beautiful. For Griffin.. well he's healthy. He's 2 and so the terrible two's have officially arrived in this house. It is a strain on us around him who are adjusting horribly to these tantrums and mood swings.
And last week, we finally got a puppy :) I have been waiting so long and I felt like we needed him. Max, our growing fast lab mix. he's adorable, feisty, and hella stubborn, oh my. I actually just got yelled at because he peed on the floor while I was in the shower. Sigh. I'm sorry, Mom. I am. I'm sorry he peed on the floor and you didn't want a puppy. I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment that taking him out every 90 minutes isn't enough and he still has accidents. I'm sorry he's only been here for 5 days and he's not perfect. I'm sorry. I really am. I am in no way being sarcastic.
My heart feels heavy. And so does my body. I have actually gained 5-7 lbs in the last two months. I am comfort eating because I'm unhappy. Doesn't help I've been hormonally imbalanced for that period of time. My moods are swinging back and forth so much even I am getting sea-sick.. but what can I do? We thought I had breast cancer for a few weeks, but I had some tests and it turned out my hormones are just going crazy for no apparent reason, and the mass growing in my breast was tissue being inflamed due to a hormone spike. I haven't really been the same since. I can't seem to control how I feel or react. And when something bad happens... I just go so deep into my mind, it takes me weeks to resurface into feeling happy again. I just want to feel like myself again. It's not changing how I am with my boys. Just how I feel about myself. I'm just unhappy.I'm sad. I'm lonely.
I thought dating would help. Having a boyfriend and having someone be there who cared about me. But it didn't. Turned out I just don't like anybody that much to sacrifice for them like I do my children. I just don't think there anybody worth sacrificing my time for with my kids, with myself, with my school work. I miss time. I miss quiet. I hate being nagged. I hate when somebody expects to be a big significant part of my life after only a few weeks and expects me to sacrifice for them. I don't want anybody sacrificing for me and so I will NEVER ask them to do that. I will be indebted to no one but my children and myself. I don't want presents or fancy dinners or whatever. I just want to know you'll be there if I do need you. You care enough to listen. And you are low maintenance, and don't require a lot. I don't require a lot. I will actually tell someone to stop giving me so much attention. I hate it. But I guess this is why I am better suited alone. I am fiercely independent. And after so many years of having to be, I don't think that will ever change. I wouldn't know the first thing about asking somebody for help. And if you wanted to be that for me, then I hate to break it to you, but you'd be sorely disappointed.. I don't need much. In a friend, even. Just be there if I need to talk, which isn't even often. Otherwise, don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I always am.
