I am just that type of person, the one who can't let go.. unless I'm the one who said goodbye. And I wasn't. I don't know why these past weeks have been rough for me. Could it just be a the emotional time of month and so they are all built up to watch me fall? I wish I could stop thinking about it. I stopped talking about it. Why bother, right?
Why bother talking about something you can't change. Why bother thinking about someone you can't change. Who doesn't want to change. Who doesn't want you anymore. Just let it go.. but when does it let go of me.
Maybe it's different for me because I had his child. It's not a normal break up, it wasn't a normal relationship. But after 2 years... TWO YEARS.. I still look for him. I still long for him. I still miss him. I wonder if he thinks of me too. Misses me too.
He said he did. Said he missed me everyday. Wanted me everyday. But somehow having a child with me was the worst mistake of his life? Really? Or was it just that I, while pregnant and hormonal, broke your heart because you wouldn't stop playing poker. Because you wouldn't go to church with me. Because you wouldn't declare to me that you wanted to change for me. For the baby.
I know all the reasons that I left. I know all of the reasons I didn't crawl back to you. I know every single logical, sane and excellent reason why I stayed away from you.
So why doesn't that change how I feel. Why doesn't it make just hate you. I want to hate you. It would make everything so much easier. What's stopping me? I don't know.
You know, when I look at Griffin, and I see little bits of you in him.. sometimes I can't even pinpoint what they are, it's just like a reminder that you are a part of him. Sometimes, it's been so long that I am starting to forget what you looked like when you smiled. Cause the last few times I saw you.. you definitely weren't happy to see me. You're eyes looked so sad. So tortured. Not angry, though. And considering the way I was yelling at you and that tramp... I expected to see anger. I was angry. I was hurt. But I didn't. I saw pain.
I keep thinking back.. seeing each and every way I should've done things differently. I should've swallowed my anger. My hurt. My pain. Never shown you an ounce of feeling. Like you did to me. I should've never texted you all those times and tried to remind you of way back when.. way back when we were happy. A lifetime ago. I think it only hardened you more.
That song "Cold as you" by Taylor Swift... reminds me of you. Many songs remind me of you.
So what happens when you're the one who can't let go. When you know you deserve better. You know you can do better and find someone who will treat you like you should be treated. But will I always be looking over my shoulder. Will I always look for that bright red Jeep Cherokee, trying to see if it's you? Will I be compelled to drive by your house when I'm close by to see if your home.. or if tramp is there. (yes I'm that ex gf lol)
I'm scared I will never let you go. That you will never be far from my mind. That I will be married and moved away and I will still wonder where you are. What your doing and who you are with. Will it ever go away.
I still wonder how we got here. To this place where I have our child and you are sending me checks in the mail. You said your feelings for me would never fade. You said few words that mean so much. I wish I didn't feel so much.
I wish he didn't resemble you so much, to me. I love him so much. I wonder sometimes if I love him so much because of how much I loved you. And I wonder if I will ever be able to let that go so that I can truly move on. And stop seeing him as ours. Stop seeing you in him.
I know that I can date. I know it's possible for me to go out with someone. Enjoy their company. But I don't know if I have the capability to really feel for anyone. The walls are up so high, that I don't want to feel. I think that is how you feel too. After being with her for a year, you still felt nothing for her. I am afraid I would be that way too with anyone new. Could I ever really love someone again AND let go of you... That I don't know.
I wish I knew all the answers. I wish I didn't still hurt. I wish it hadn't been 2 years already and I still feel like it's only been a few weeks. So much time has passed. So much has changed. You made so many choices I can never forgive. I wish I could forgive you. But I feel that if I did and tried to fix things, I would never respect myself again. I could never look myself in the face.
You made the wrong choices. You did the irreparable damage. You walked away. I didn't. I still had two feet in the door waiting for you to show up at my door. I had the baby.. you were supposed to come crawling back this time. I texted you. I asked you to come see the baby. Fro months. You ignored me. You started seeing someone new. You did that. Not me. You cannot blame me. You chose this life.. and we both have to deal with the aftermath of that.
I just wish things could've been different. Different in the way that we can't even share the life of the one we created together.. created with a love for each other that still surpasses time and distance.
Things should have been different.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Things are looking up...
So I finally got my school stuff squared away, just have to get my parking permit and my school I.D. I'm kinda excited, actually. I got a backpack today that I LOVE and all of mine and Riley's school supplies. I really don't think I'm going to do any back to school clothes shopping for Riley this year, except for some new shoes. Money is still tight and I want to make sure I start building back up my savings. Right now it's at Zero.
About a year ago I started a savings account for both of my boys and one for myself. Theirs still has some money in it, mine doesn't have any. Things got really tight a few months ago, and I have to wipe it clean, and I really haven't been able to get money back in.. there's always something else that we need to get.
Next thing on the agenda is a apartment. For the last 6 months or so, my parents and I have thrown around the idea of finishing their full basement into a 3 bedroom apartment for the boys and I. It's a 1,100 sq ft space and already has the rough plumbing for a full bathroom too. It wouldn't have a stove, but it would have a mini kitchen and a sink. Also a living room and space for a table and chairs. We really started to move forward with the idea when all the apartment and house plans fell through, because I don't make enough money. And that was when I signed up for school.
I have always been a very quick decisions... usually on all the biggest decisions... kind of person lol but hey, that's me. So I signed up as a Nursing Major. Four years of school... very difficult schooling. But I'm ready for it. I didn't really know how much a Nurses' salary was, I just figured it would be enough. But I looked into it yesterday and found out it's actually around $50k-$70k a year! WOW! I am amazed.. So that is even more of a incentive to do the best I can at school as well as clinicals and get it done as soon as possible.
So for the last two weeks, we've had three people come in to give estimates on how much it'll cost to get the basement finished. So far, no real numbers are back yet. But we're hopeful it'll be within our range. And after that gets accomplished, we can get a loan and then get started.
And THEN, when that's all said and done... Guess who is getting a Puppy!! Yep, me :) I'm REALLY excited about that part.
It really feels like things are looking on the up and up and I am Really hoping they stay that way..
I am 26 years old, I am a single Mom of two boys, going to school to become a nurse and working as a full time nanny/babysitter. Life really should be well on its way by now.
Today I am thankful for the opportunity to go to school. To have a great school for my son to go too, and that today I am free to go to school as a single mother. That my kids are given a great education and that I can earn a degree to support us and help other people. Thank God that today, America is still free.
About a year ago I started a savings account for both of my boys and one for myself. Theirs still has some money in it, mine doesn't have any. Things got really tight a few months ago, and I have to wipe it clean, and I really haven't been able to get money back in.. there's always something else that we need to get.
Next thing on the agenda is a apartment. For the last 6 months or so, my parents and I have thrown around the idea of finishing their full basement into a 3 bedroom apartment for the boys and I. It's a 1,100 sq ft space and already has the rough plumbing for a full bathroom too. It wouldn't have a stove, but it would have a mini kitchen and a sink. Also a living room and space for a table and chairs. We really started to move forward with the idea when all the apartment and house plans fell through, because I don't make enough money. And that was when I signed up for school.
I have always been a very quick decisions... usually on all the biggest decisions... kind of person lol but hey, that's me. So I signed up as a Nursing Major. Four years of school... very difficult schooling. But I'm ready for it. I didn't really know how much a Nurses' salary was, I just figured it would be enough. But I looked into it yesterday and found out it's actually around $50k-$70k a year! WOW! I am amazed.. So that is even more of a incentive to do the best I can at school as well as clinicals and get it done as soon as possible.
So for the last two weeks, we've had three people come in to give estimates on how much it'll cost to get the basement finished. So far, no real numbers are back yet. But we're hopeful it'll be within our range. And after that gets accomplished, we can get a loan and then get started.
And THEN, when that's all said and done... Guess who is getting a Puppy!! Yep, me :) I'm REALLY excited about that part.
It really feels like things are looking on the up and up and I am Really hoping they stay that way..
I am 26 years old, I am a single Mom of two boys, going to school to become a nurse and working as a full time nanny/babysitter. Life really should be well on its way by now.
Today I am thankful for the opportunity to go to school. To have a great school for my son to go too, and that today I am free to go to school as a single mother. That my kids are given a great education and that I can earn a degree to support us and help other people. Thank God that today, America is still free.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Bullying...
Lately on television, there have been numerous programs and movies about bullying. In the last decade, hundreds of children have committed either suicide or murder because of this cruel act.
Last night, I was fbooking with an old friend of mine, talking about a guy I dated when I was 15 and 16 years old. I won't say his name, but I will say he was much older than me, and anybody from my past knows who he is. So I was 15/16 years old and he was 21. He went to my church and was a elder member of my youth group. He was my first *real* boyfriend. First kiss. First guy I ever thought I was *in love* with. Well we dated through my 16th birthday, he said he was in love with me, nobody ever made him feel this way, and he wanted to marry me. <---- this freaked me out.
That summer, I went to Memphis, Tennessee to stay with my sister for a couple of months, and help her husband build a church. It was my first paying job. Being away from him put things into perspective for me, and I realized I wasn't ready for this kind of relationship. So by the end of summer, when I got home, I broke up with him. He was ... really upset. I hadn't ever really broken up with anybody before, I didn't know what to expect. I realized it wouldn't be easy, but felt like he would see it was the best thing also.
Well.. he didn't.
For the next year and a half, he made my life a living nightmare. He made fun of me at every opportunity. Gave me demeaning nicknames like "Bath Water Bethany" or "Bertha" (a name representing someone hideous and over weight). And he used these names everytime I saw him. Especially around other people, to make my humiliation worse. He told my youth pastor many untruths, and made everybody against me with a sour opinion of me. He spread lies. Told jokes at my expense. Made me hate myself.
But whenever he had the opportunity to get me alone, he was always trying to seduce me in some shape or form. Telling me he still loved me. He still thought about me all the time.
This went on for 18 months. End of summer 2001 to Spring 2003. Even my friends partook in his jokes. I couldn't date anybody else in my youth group, because anybody that was new that came in and liked me, he would immediately befriend them and turn them against me too. Eventually I didn't have many friends. And being the only child at home, with two working parents, I spent a lot of time alone.
I believed he did love me. And that all these mean things he did were because I hurt him, but on the inside he still loved me. So this in turn twisted what I thought of love. That is was okay for someone to treat me poorly, as long as they told me they loved me.
One year after I had broken up with him, I started going online into chat rooms. I was seeking someone to talk too. And truthfully, I was very vunerable and very easy prey. I wanted someone to tell me I was pretty. Someone to listen to what I had to say. That is what I found in Jason. My first husband.
Jason did and said everything I thought he should say. I would pray to God that I would find somebody to really love me. I thought that God gave me Jason. He lived in Alabama, he spent money on phone cards to call me. He sent me cards. He was always online waiting for me. I thought I was his life. I thought him spending money on me was equal to having more affection. I was 17. Lonely. Naive.
Jason was very controlling over my thoughts and actions. Even from far away, if he didn't want me to do it, I wouldn't. School dances. Out with friends. Nothing. It was my Senior Year of high school.
The only things I fought him on was Winter Formal, because I had already promised Micah I would go with him. So I wasn't going to break that promise. But I didn't go to Prom. I met Jason the first time in April 2003, I went to Tennessee to visit my sister and he convinced me to lie and meet up with him. So I did. I went back home and was about to finish my Senior Year, turn 18, get my driver's license, and graduate high school. Should've been great.. but I allowed him to control me.
When I was young, my biggest dream was to get married and have babies. To find someone to love me. I had no idea who I was as a person. No idea that I should be dreaming of what I wanted or should do BEFORE getting married and having babies.
One thing I realized last night was that if I had never met that first boyfriend. If he had never treated me so cruelly and at the same time told me how much he loved me.. I never would've been drawn to the Internet to find someone to be nice to me. I never would've expected cruelty to go hand in hand with love. I never would've accepted it from my boyfriends afterwards and then my husband.
The bullying I went through set me up for years of a twisted view of I deserved as a person. My worth as a person.
Without Riley, I don't know where I would be. But I wouldn't be who I am. And even then. I did things for Riley, never for myself. I didn't start to gain any self worth until he was about 3.
By this time I had met Griffin's father, moved in with him, and was dealt more reasons why I was worth nothing to a man. We lived together for 9 months. He still said he didn't love me. I had given him everything of me that i had, and he still didn't love me. So we broke up.
Up until this time, I never met anybody who really loved me. Never truly felt worthy of love.
.................
I started this blog to show how *bullying* can mess a person up so badly, it sets them up for a lifetime of pain. Losing any morsel of self-worth. Any reason to feel worthy of someone.. Why even go on living.
I get it. Only in my case, I just kept searching. Kept putting myself out there to either be knocked down or built back up.. I had no way of knowing what would happen next. But optimism is what kept me going. And great parents to fall back on.
Some aren't so lucky, they sell themselves for whatever price they are given. They take themselves out of the equation permanently with suicide. Or they take their bullies out with murder, and that's how they feel they are taking the control back.
Today I am thankful for great people I have now in my life that show me I am worthy of love. Mark.. The first person to love me for me.. and not what I could give him or do for him. Michelle who's always been a great friend to me. Sonia who I'm not in contact with anymore, but was a great friend to me. And Kathy, who spent hours upon hours in the last year building me up where I had hit rock bottom. You all mean the world to me.
Last night, I was fbooking with an old friend of mine, talking about a guy I dated when I was 15 and 16 years old. I won't say his name, but I will say he was much older than me, and anybody from my past knows who he is. So I was 15/16 years old and he was 21. He went to my church and was a elder member of my youth group. He was my first *real* boyfriend. First kiss. First guy I ever thought I was *in love* with. Well we dated through my 16th birthday, he said he was in love with me, nobody ever made him feel this way, and he wanted to marry me. <---- this freaked me out.
That summer, I went to Memphis, Tennessee to stay with my sister for a couple of months, and help her husband build a church. It was my first paying job. Being away from him put things into perspective for me, and I realized I wasn't ready for this kind of relationship. So by the end of summer, when I got home, I broke up with him. He was ... really upset. I hadn't ever really broken up with anybody before, I didn't know what to expect. I realized it wouldn't be easy, but felt like he would see it was the best thing also.
Well.. he didn't.
For the next year and a half, he made my life a living nightmare. He made fun of me at every opportunity. Gave me demeaning nicknames like "Bath Water Bethany" or "Bertha" (a name representing someone hideous and over weight). And he used these names everytime I saw him. Especially around other people, to make my humiliation worse. He told my youth pastor many untruths, and made everybody against me with a sour opinion of me. He spread lies. Told jokes at my expense. Made me hate myself.
But whenever he had the opportunity to get me alone, he was always trying to seduce me in some shape or form. Telling me he still loved me. He still thought about me all the time.
This went on for 18 months. End of summer 2001 to Spring 2003. Even my friends partook in his jokes. I couldn't date anybody else in my youth group, because anybody that was new that came in and liked me, he would immediately befriend them and turn them against me too. Eventually I didn't have many friends. And being the only child at home, with two working parents, I spent a lot of time alone.
I believed he did love me. And that all these mean things he did were because I hurt him, but on the inside he still loved me. So this in turn twisted what I thought of love. That is was okay for someone to treat me poorly, as long as they told me they loved me.
One year after I had broken up with him, I started going online into chat rooms. I was seeking someone to talk too. And truthfully, I was very vunerable and very easy prey. I wanted someone to tell me I was pretty. Someone to listen to what I had to say. That is what I found in Jason. My first husband.
Jason did and said everything I thought he should say. I would pray to God that I would find somebody to really love me. I thought that God gave me Jason. He lived in Alabama, he spent money on phone cards to call me. He sent me cards. He was always online waiting for me. I thought I was his life. I thought him spending money on me was equal to having more affection. I was 17. Lonely. Naive.
Jason was very controlling over my thoughts and actions. Even from far away, if he didn't want me to do it, I wouldn't. School dances. Out with friends. Nothing. It was my Senior Year of high school.
The only things I fought him on was Winter Formal, because I had already promised Micah I would go with him. So I wasn't going to break that promise. But I didn't go to Prom. I met Jason the first time in April 2003, I went to Tennessee to visit my sister and he convinced me to lie and meet up with him. So I did. I went back home and was about to finish my Senior Year, turn 18, get my driver's license, and graduate high school. Should've been great.. but I allowed him to control me.
When I was young, my biggest dream was to get married and have babies. To find someone to love me. I had no idea who I was as a person. No idea that I should be dreaming of what I wanted or should do BEFORE getting married and having babies.
One thing I realized last night was that if I had never met that first boyfriend. If he had never treated me so cruelly and at the same time told me how much he loved me.. I never would've been drawn to the Internet to find someone to be nice to me. I never would've expected cruelty to go hand in hand with love. I never would've accepted it from my boyfriends afterwards and then my husband.
The bullying I went through set me up for years of a twisted view of I deserved as a person. My worth as a person.
Without Riley, I don't know where I would be. But I wouldn't be who I am. And even then. I did things for Riley, never for myself. I didn't start to gain any self worth until he was about 3.
By this time I had met Griffin's father, moved in with him, and was dealt more reasons why I was worth nothing to a man. We lived together for 9 months. He still said he didn't love me. I had given him everything of me that i had, and he still didn't love me. So we broke up.
Up until this time, I never met anybody who really loved me. Never truly felt worthy of love.
.................
I started this blog to show how *bullying* can mess a person up so badly, it sets them up for a lifetime of pain. Losing any morsel of self-worth. Any reason to feel worthy of someone.. Why even go on living.
I get it. Only in my case, I just kept searching. Kept putting myself out there to either be knocked down or built back up.. I had no way of knowing what would happen next. But optimism is what kept me going. And great parents to fall back on.
Some aren't so lucky, they sell themselves for whatever price they are given. They take themselves out of the equation permanently with suicide. Or they take their bullies out with murder, and that's how they feel they are taking the control back.
Today I am thankful for great people I have now in my life that show me I am worthy of love. Mark.. The first person to love me for me.. and not what I could give him or do for him. Michelle who's always been a great friend to me. Sonia who I'm not in contact with anymore, but was a great friend to me. And Kathy, who spent hours upon hours in the last year building me up where I had hit rock bottom. You all mean the world to me.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Little reminders that hurt...
And are forcing me to remember the pain I've been successfully pushing down for the past 7 weeks.
I changed the CD in my car a few days ago. I don't remember why I chose this CD, just that I was tired of commercials on the radio. So, while flipping through my case, 98% of these CD's I've had since I was a teenager, never got rid of any of them. Added a few, more in the last 2 years than in the last 10 years combined. A cd I bought a few months ago is by A Fine Frenzy. A GREAT cd. I really love it. But at the same time I really hate it because it brings back up a lot of feelings I am hoping die. But strangely, I keep listening, as if these feelings are old friends of mine.
One of the songs is Ashes and Wine, and the chorus keeps going through my mind..
"Is there a chance, a fragment of light at the end of the tunnel, a reason to fight. Is there a chance you might change your mind, or are we ashes and wine."
The way she sings it is so beautiful and catchy, I can't help but sing it over and over again. I can't help but wonder if I was weaker, would I be saying these words to him.
Seven weeks ago, I took one last chance to reach out to him. I was almost compelled to do so, as if I couldn't stop myself. In return, I got silence from him. But a mouthful from his tramp.
It wasn't necessarily the words that she said that hurt me. It was the silence from him that followed. He's always done this, for as long as I can remember. He's angry with me, he ignores. He's hurt, he ignores. I Hate being ignored. And so normally, I would've gone to his house and made him listen to me. I did do this a few times since December 2010. But... I have refrained for months. I haven't texted him in almost 2 months. Since she texted me back, said all of those things.. I knew I couldn't put myself through it anymore. I couldn't allow myself to be hit by that train of betrayal.. not even one more time. It seemed to surprise me every single time he ignored me. Every single time he didn't respond.
I even sent *spoof* texts a few times... lies to make him angry and in MY vain hope, get a rise out of him to make him respond. But it never worked. Nothing I did or tried or said worked. But he continued to tell me that he would always love me when he Did say anything. Which was rare. The last text was April 9th.. Said his "feelings for me would never fade, but he needed to do this for himself..." no mention of Griffin. Did he ever feel anything for this sweet child. I will never know.
So this weekend has been a little emotionally hard for me. I've been in my head a lot more. Thinking about the future. Wondering where he would be or I would be a few years from now. How differently our lives may unfold.
It's my hope that I am married to a wonderful man, who is a loving and doting Dad to my kids. I can't count on it, but I am diligently hoping.
I know I should take that CD out of my car... but I feel like maybe it helps to numb the pain. Facing it head on, instead of hiding from it. That is what I have always done. I don't hide. I will never hide from what I feel. I may not always show the other person how I feel, but I am honest with myself. And I try my best to be honest with others.
I will always love him. I will always have a place in my heart that is only his. I can only hope that one day, I can stop seeing his face on my sweet boy. Seeing his face on Griffin is like a stab in the chest knowing he is not there. But I also can't predict the type of father he would have been... and so therefore.. I am kind of grateful.. Because if the last year and a half have shown what his true colors really are... then he would've squashed my sweet boys cheerful spirit. And that would be devastating.
Today, I am so grateful to be able to enjoy Griffin's smile and joy every single day. The joy he brings to me and everybody around him. Griffin has changed me in ways I cannot always express, but feel inside of my heart. And for that alone, I will always be grateful to the one who helped me create him, and God for giving me (and granting me the gift of calling him) my son.
I changed the CD in my car a few days ago. I don't remember why I chose this CD, just that I was tired of commercials on the radio. So, while flipping through my case, 98% of these CD's I've had since I was a teenager, never got rid of any of them. Added a few, more in the last 2 years than in the last 10 years combined. A cd I bought a few months ago is by A Fine Frenzy. A GREAT cd. I really love it. But at the same time I really hate it because it brings back up a lot of feelings I am hoping die. But strangely, I keep listening, as if these feelings are old friends of mine.
One of the songs is Ashes and Wine, and the chorus keeps going through my mind..
"Is there a chance, a fragment of light at the end of the tunnel, a reason to fight. Is there a chance you might change your mind, or are we ashes and wine."
The way she sings it is so beautiful and catchy, I can't help but sing it over and over again. I can't help but wonder if I was weaker, would I be saying these words to him.
Seven weeks ago, I took one last chance to reach out to him. I was almost compelled to do so, as if I couldn't stop myself. In return, I got silence from him. But a mouthful from his tramp.
It wasn't necessarily the words that she said that hurt me. It was the silence from him that followed. He's always done this, for as long as I can remember. He's angry with me, he ignores. He's hurt, he ignores. I Hate being ignored. And so normally, I would've gone to his house and made him listen to me. I did do this a few times since December 2010. But... I have refrained for months. I haven't texted him in almost 2 months. Since she texted me back, said all of those things.. I knew I couldn't put myself through it anymore. I couldn't allow myself to be hit by that train of betrayal.. not even one more time. It seemed to surprise me every single time he ignored me. Every single time he didn't respond.
I even sent *spoof* texts a few times... lies to make him angry and in MY vain hope, get a rise out of him to make him respond. But it never worked. Nothing I did or tried or said worked. But he continued to tell me that he would always love me when he Did say anything. Which was rare. The last text was April 9th.. Said his "feelings for me would never fade, but he needed to do this for himself..." no mention of Griffin. Did he ever feel anything for this sweet child. I will never know.
So this weekend has been a little emotionally hard for me. I've been in my head a lot more. Thinking about the future. Wondering where he would be or I would be a few years from now. How differently our lives may unfold.
It's my hope that I am married to a wonderful man, who is a loving and doting Dad to my kids. I can't count on it, but I am diligently hoping.
I know I should take that CD out of my car... but I feel like maybe it helps to numb the pain. Facing it head on, instead of hiding from it. That is what I have always done. I don't hide. I will never hide from what I feel. I may not always show the other person how I feel, but I am honest with myself. And I try my best to be honest with others.
I will always love him. I will always have a place in my heart that is only his. I can only hope that one day, I can stop seeing his face on my sweet boy. Seeing his face on Griffin is like a stab in the chest knowing he is not there. But I also can't predict the type of father he would have been... and so therefore.. I am kind of grateful.. Because if the last year and a half have shown what his true colors really are... then he would've squashed my sweet boys cheerful spirit. And that would be devastating.
Today, I am so grateful to be able to enjoy Griffin's smile and joy every single day. The joy he brings to me and everybody around him. Griffin has changed me in ways I cannot always express, but feel inside of my heart. And for that alone, I will always be grateful to the one who helped me create him, and God for giving me (and granting me the gift of calling him) my son.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Frustration..
My day today started at 1:14am, when I realized I had laid down with Griffin to put him to bed at 8pm the previous evening, and am waking up, fully dressed and not sure what happened, who put Riley to bed, and how it is 1:14am. Sigh.. I hate it when this happens.
I look for my phone, for I was in the middle of a text convo when I fell asleep around 8:45pm, I'm guessing. I can't find it. I can't find my glasses, I am totally disoriented. And with my moving around the bed, Griffin is now waking up, very upset. Sigh. So I work on getting him back to sleep, look for my phone, finally found it. I have several missed calls and texts... Sigh..
Griffin gets to sleep, I finally get out of bed and check on Riley. He's asleep, I know my parents have put him to bed, I just don't know why nobody woke me up. Riley is asleep, and I quietly make it over to my clothes and get my pjs on. I feel stiff and grumpy.
I crawl back into bed, call him back, I know he's still awake. And I in turn fall back asleep within a few minutes. Dreaming instantly and mumbling something about *spiders*. Sigh. Sometimes I wish I didn't fall asleep so quickly.
7am comes too soon, I feel like I've had no sleep at all, even though it's been around 11 hours. Griffin and Riley are still sleeping, I get up to make coffee around 7:30. Griffin wakes a few minutes later.
I haven't written a blog in a week, and I've thought about it many times, but one thing about writing blogs where you know certain people read them.. you can't talk about certain things, so it's better to wait until the anger, irritation and regret pass enough before you start writing again.
This day started out frustrating and it still is. There's been ketchup on white shirts and pencil shavings covering the floor. Too many clothes to put away and not enough energy to clean the rest of the mess covering the house. And the sound of brothers fighting over EVERYTHING filling every morsel of air in the house. But the day must continue..
Somebody trade me places today. My seven year old has a death wish. I promise you he acts worse than a 2 year old 90% of everyday now. I'm praying this is a phase... and it will soon phase out.
Somebody trade me places today.. Anybody? Sigh.
Sorry this is boring. I just try and try and try to connect with my kid and it's not working. My mom and I took the boys bowling yesterday. Riley is a terrible sport. The worst. I try to show him a technique that will keep the ball going straight, and stop swerving... He wants nothing to do with it. He literally starts throwing a tantrum. Who the heck IS this kid?? Cause he's not mine. He's changed. He no longer talks in a regular voice; he whines over EVERYTHING. He throws tantrums. He yells at me or at his brother. He is dramatic to my breaking point. Will not listen to anything.. not even suggestions to help him.
During bowling he tells me he wants skittles from the snack bar. I say, "No, remember we are going to get ice cream after bowling." Riley: "NO! I want skittles!" Me: "Riley, we're getting ice cream, you don't need skittles." I am very calm during this. I have been really working on being on top of him and not just giving in to him. He is not taking to this very well. His attitude goes sour. He no longer wants to bowl. Throws a fit if he gets anything other than a strike. This behavior is Embarrassing.
As a mother.. what do I do. He was supposed to stay at his Dad's this week until Saturday. But every night when I called him, he was crying for me to come and get him. I waited until Tuesday, but I finally get him. He was acting there just how he's been here. Next time, I will not be going to get him.
We go to get ice cream at this place called YoFro Sweets (my new favorite place). I let Riley pick out whatever he wants and we get it. After I was done with mine, they have free samples, so I was trying a couple that I hadn't had before for next time we go. Riley is about 3/4 done with his ice cream. He wants a sample. So I get one for him, no biggie. Now he wants another sample of the same kind, but doesn't want to finish his ice cream I paid $4 for. This. Is. Frustrating. I tell him if he can't finish his own ice cream, he can't have a sample. He is then thirsty. He wants a soda. I say no, we're going home after this, you can get a drink at home. Riley: "I'M THIRSTY! I WANT A DRINK!!!" ... I am about to LOSE IT.
How can one child be so ungrateful. I will admit, I have spoiled him, but I have NOT spoiled him THIS bad. That he would act this way. He never acted this way before.. why is this starting now?
It feels like it never stops. The fight with him never stops. I am never right. He never listens. I can never say something once, it has to be repeated 5 times. Not even the simplest task can be asked without a fight. Put your clothes in the hamper. Make your bed. Take a shower. Get dressed. Clean up after yourself. These are simple enough things. Things he should be learning to do on his own. Things he should already know how to do. But after each request I am met with obstinance. Whiny voice. A child telling me No.
Some days, like today. I just want to put my head in my heads. Why does it have to be so hard. What did I do so wrong that he refuses to listen.
He's not a bad kid. I love him to death. He has a good heart.
As I sit here writing this, Griffin plays with his toys, and Riley.. who just got in trouble for whining and I told him if he wants to act like a toddler he can take a nap like a toddler.. is laying on the couch rattling off a mile long list of what he wants for Christmas... I really feel like this year I should let him wake up to a pile of clothes and socks for Christmas. But I would never do that. This year is going to be tight. I won't be able to give him a grand Christmas.. maybe somehow, between now and then, I can teach him some humility. Some generosity. How though. How at 7 years old can I teach him to respect me, to really understand his own behavior.
To act like the good kid I know he can be.
Today I'm thankful my kids and I are healthy. and that everyday, I can keep trying to connect with my child, and hope that someday, he'll see how hard I tried, and not remember through the colored eyes of a 7 year old child.
I look for my phone, for I was in the middle of a text convo when I fell asleep around 8:45pm, I'm guessing. I can't find it. I can't find my glasses, I am totally disoriented. And with my moving around the bed, Griffin is now waking up, very upset. Sigh. So I work on getting him back to sleep, look for my phone, finally found it. I have several missed calls and texts... Sigh..
Griffin gets to sleep, I finally get out of bed and check on Riley. He's asleep, I know my parents have put him to bed, I just don't know why nobody woke me up. Riley is asleep, and I quietly make it over to my clothes and get my pjs on. I feel stiff and grumpy.
I crawl back into bed, call him back, I know he's still awake. And I in turn fall back asleep within a few minutes. Dreaming instantly and mumbling something about *spiders*. Sigh. Sometimes I wish I didn't fall asleep so quickly.
7am comes too soon, I feel like I've had no sleep at all, even though it's been around 11 hours. Griffin and Riley are still sleeping, I get up to make coffee around 7:30. Griffin wakes a few minutes later.
I haven't written a blog in a week, and I've thought about it many times, but one thing about writing blogs where you know certain people read them.. you can't talk about certain things, so it's better to wait until the anger, irritation and regret pass enough before you start writing again.
This day started out frustrating and it still is. There's been ketchup on white shirts and pencil shavings covering the floor. Too many clothes to put away and not enough energy to clean the rest of the mess covering the house. And the sound of brothers fighting over EVERYTHING filling every morsel of air in the house. But the day must continue..
Somebody trade me places today. My seven year old has a death wish. I promise you he acts worse than a 2 year old 90% of everyday now. I'm praying this is a phase... and it will soon phase out.
Somebody trade me places today.. Anybody? Sigh.
Sorry this is boring. I just try and try and try to connect with my kid and it's not working. My mom and I took the boys bowling yesterday. Riley is a terrible sport. The worst. I try to show him a technique that will keep the ball going straight, and stop swerving... He wants nothing to do with it. He literally starts throwing a tantrum. Who the heck IS this kid?? Cause he's not mine. He's changed. He no longer talks in a regular voice; he whines over EVERYTHING. He throws tantrums. He yells at me or at his brother. He is dramatic to my breaking point. Will not listen to anything.. not even suggestions to help him.
During bowling he tells me he wants skittles from the snack bar. I say, "No, remember we are going to get ice cream after bowling." Riley: "NO! I want skittles!" Me: "Riley, we're getting ice cream, you don't need skittles." I am very calm during this. I have been really working on being on top of him and not just giving in to him. He is not taking to this very well. His attitude goes sour. He no longer wants to bowl. Throws a fit if he gets anything other than a strike. This behavior is Embarrassing.
As a mother.. what do I do. He was supposed to stay at his Dad's this week until Saturday. But every night when I called him, he was crying for me to come and get him. I waited until Tuesday, but I finally get him. He was acting there just how he's been here. Next time, I will not be going to get him.
We go to get ice cream at this place called YoFro Sweets (my new favorite place). I let Riley pick out whatever he wants and we get it. After I was done with mine, they have free samples, so I was trying a couple that I hadn't had before for next time we go. Riley is about 3/4 done with his ice cream. He wants a sample. So I get one for him, no biggie. Now he wants another sample of the same kind, but doesn't want to finish his ice cream I paid $4 for. This. Is. Frustrating. I tell him if he can't finish his own ice cream, he can't have a sample. He is then thirsty. He wants a soda. I say no, we're going home after this, you can get a drink at home. Riley: "I'M THIRSTY! I WANT A DRINK!!!" ... I am about to LOSE IT.
How can one child be so ungrateful. I will admit, I have spoiled him, but I have NOT spoiled him THIS bad. That he would act this way. He never acted this way before.. why is this starting now?
It feels like it never stops. The fight with him never stops. I am never right. He never listens. I can never say something once, it has to be repeated 5 times. Not even the simplest task can be asked without a fight. Put your clothes in the hamper. Make your bed. Take a shower. Get dressed. Clean up after yourself. These are simple enough things. Things he should be learning to do on his own. Things he should already know how to do. But after each request I am met with obstinance. Whiny voice. A child telling me No.
Some days, like today. I just want to put my head in my heads. Why does it have to be so hard. What did I do so wrong that he refuses to listen.
He's not a bad kid. I love him to death. He has a good heart.
As I sit here writing this, Griffin plays with his toys, and Riley.. who just got in trouble for whining and I told him if he wants to act like a toddler he can take a nap like a toddler.. is laying on the couch rattling off a mile long list of what he wants for Christmas... I really feel like this year I should let him wake up to a pile of clothes and socks for Christmas. But I would never do that. This year is going to be tight. I won't be able to give him a grand Christmas.. maybe somehow, between now and then, I can teach him some humility. Some generosity. How though. How at 7 years old can I teach him to respect me, to really understand his own behavior.
To act like the good kid I know he can be.
Today I'm thankful my kids and I are healthy. and that everyday, I can keep trying to connect with my child, and hope that someday, he'll see how hard I tried, and not remember through the colored eyes of a 7 year old child.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Reflection..
This week has been rough on me as a Mom. I've questioned myself in ways I never have before. Questioned methods and discipline tactics and if I am rewarding too much or too little. You can all probably guess that Riley has been my main issue this week. And so I think Mommy needs a time out.
I have been having problems with Riley because he is 7 years old and pushing his limits in a bad way. You think a 17 month old is bad? Just wait until they have a mind of their own and back talk you to your face. What do you do? Automatic reaction: Slap the part that's disobeying; his mouth. But I can't do that.
One thing I have always down with Riley that I may or may not do with Griffin, is try to talk to him on his level, instead of talking down to him. This may or may not have been a good idea. Because the down side is that Riley thinks he is a little adult, and tends to not think the rules apply to him.
Because I was 18 when I had him, I grew with him. I don't even think I was really my own person until I was around 20-21 years old. And so for Riley, that meant he had a Mom that wasn't really a *Mom* yet. And so by the time I finally started really acting like his Mom, it was too late and he already had bad learned behaviors from me. In allowing him to act like a little adult, rather than allowing him to really be a child. That is a hard line to follow, but like with Griffin, I am raising him totally different. And coming at Riley like this, so late in the game, just isn't working. But I'm still trying.
So, in essence, being Riley's Mom is a lot more difficult than being Griffin's Mom. Riley went through the time of me working a lot and not being around a lot, and I didn't really see the problem with that until I got pregnant with Griffin and I didn't want to miss anything. But when Riley was just older than Griffin now, I started working 2 full time jobs and he went into daycare. And I allowed my parents to pick up the slack of parenting so I could work. And that was wrong. I did this for awhile, and then I moved into an apartment for us, and it continued. And then my boyfriend moved into the apartment with us.. And my focus shifted. So I worked, had a boyfriend, and Riley ended up coming last. I didn't do this on purpose, but that is the way it happened, and I didn't start rectifying this mistake until Mike and I broke up and I started seeing the value of my child. I lost my apt by this time, my job, and my car. It took a little bit longer, though, to really start to change for me. And during this time, Riley was getting older and seeing that he wasn't Mom's #1, and it hurt our relationship. The good thing was that our foundation was still there, from before I moved in with my parents and got a job. Because up until then, Riley was everything to me.
I'm not sure when I started to Really change, exactly, but I think it was around the time Riley was 3-4. It is amazing how much damage can be done between a child and his parent at this young of an age. Riley felt abandoned by his father who was never around, and his Mom who was either always working or always with her boyfriend. This is actually really difficult for me to write, seeing all the mistakes I made with him in clear view, hurts me so much. But I did start to change, and I believe it was just in time, although the effects of my mistakes are still there. The emotional scars.
So for the last 3 1/2 years, I've been working on making our relationship stronger and making sure he knows how much I love him and I want to be there for him. This in turn is difficult in being his Mom, because I don't want to cause more damage by making him mad at me by disciplining him. and it also makes me want to buy him whatever he wants in order make him happy. <--- Mistake. This is a big mistake, many many many parents make. I have learned that children NEED rules and discipline and structure in Order to be happy! It's an amazing concept, and some people don't believe it, but it really is the truth. Too many rules with little fun is not good, and finding the balance between these two is increasingly difficult with age.
So I had already started to repair my relationship with Riley, but also bought him a lot of gifts to make up for the bad years (even tho I still bought him stuff during that time too), but I felt like maybe he needed extra encouragement to know how much I loved him. Rebuilding a relationship is hard. Probably one of the most difficult things because you don't have a blank canvas, you have to go back and go over the bad parts and try to change their effect, without being able to erase them.
But I've been trying. For 3.5 years, Riley and I have been working at rebuilding our relationship, and I think it's working. The kid knows I love him, knows he's uber important to me, and that I am and always will be his Mom.
It was hard having a second child, but not for the regular reasons. It was hard because with Griffin I had a blank canvas, and I want to make NONE of the mistakes I did with Riley, but at the same time, working on rebuilding that relationship with Riley with a new baby around, is really hard. Mostly, because he doesn't want to let me in.
So here I am, working everyday harder at being Riley's and Griffin's Mom. You are never the same Mom to all your children, which is a difficult concept, but your children all have different needs. I am 26 now, and if I could've started having children at this age instead of at 18, everything would've been different. I often have wished I could've had Riley at a later age, because for his sake, I would've been a million times better Mom for him and would've been able to give him everything he needed emotionally. But I didn't, and I can't change when I had him, I can only change every day I am with him, and hope by the end of that day I did something right.
Today I am thankful that I realized my mistakes before it was too late for Riley, and before Griffin was born. I am grateful for the support system I have with my parents, that they can tell me when I am making a mistake, or that I am doing a good job. And mostly, I am thankful for my boys, and how having them has made me into the person I am today. A better person than I ever would've been without their love for me.
I have been having problems with Riley because he is 7 years old and pushing his limits in a bad way. You think a 17 month old is bad? Just wait until they have a mind of their own and back talk you to your face. What do you do? Automatic reaction: Slap the part that's disobeying; his mouth. But I can't do that.
One thing I have always down with Riley that I may or may not do with Griffin, is try to talk to him on his level, instead of talking down to him. This may or may not have been a good idea. Because the down side is that Riley thinks he is a little adult, and tends to not think the rules apply to him.
Because I was 18 when I had him, I grew with him. I don't even think I was really my own person until I was around 20-21 years old. And so for Riley, that meant he had a Mom that wasn't really a *Mom* yet. And so by the time I finally started really acting like his Mom, it was too late and he already had bad learned behaviors from me. In allowing him to act like a little adult, rather than allowing him to really be a child. That is a hard line to follow, but like with Griffin, I am raising him totally different. And coming at Riley like this, so late in the game, just isn't working. But I'm still trying.
So, in essence, being Riley's Mom is a lot more difficult than being Griffin's Mom. Riley went through the time of me working a lot and not being around a lot, and I didn't really see the problem with that until I got pregnant with Griffin and I didn't want to miss anything. But when Riley was just older than Griffin now, I started working 2 full time jobs and he went into daycare. And I allowed my parents to pick up the slack of parenting so I could work. And that was wrong. I did this for awhile, and then I moved into an apartment for us, and it continued. And then my boyfriend moved into the apartment with us.. And my focus shifted. So I worked, had a boyfriend, and Riley ended up coming last. I didn't do this on purpose, but that is the way it happened, and I didn't start rectifying this mistake until Mike and I broke up and I started seeing the value of my child. I lost my apt by this time, my job, and my car. It took a little bit longer, though, to really start to change for me. And during this time, Riley was getting older and seeing that he wasn't Mom's #1, and it hurt our relationship. The good thing was that our foundation was still there, from before I moved in with my parents and got a job. Because up until then, Riley was everything to me.
I'm not sure when I started to Really change, exactly, but I think it was around the time Riley was 3-4. It is amazing how much damage can be done between a child and his parent at this young of an age. Riley felt abandoned by his father who was never around, and his Mom who was either always working or always with her boyfriend. This is actually really difficult for me to write, seeing all the mistakes I made with him in clear view, hurts me so much. But I did start to change, and I believe it was just in time, although the effects of my mistakes are still there. The emotional scars.
So for the last 3 1/2 years, I've been working on making our relationship stronger and making sure he knows how much I love him and I want to be there for him. This in turn is difficult in being his Mom, because I don't want to cause more damage by making him mad at me by disciplining him. and it also makes me want to buy him whatever he wants in order make him happy. <--- Mistake. This is a big mistake, many many many parents make. I have learned that children NEED rules and discipline and structure in Order to be happy! It's an amazing concept, and some people don't believe it, but it really is the truth. Too many rules with little fun is not good, and finding the balance between these two is increasingly difficult with age.
So I had already started to repair my relationship with Riley, but also bought him a lot of gifts to make up for the bad years (even tho I still bought him stuff during that time too), but I felt like maybe he needed extra encouragement to know how much I loved him. Rebuilding a relationship is hard. Probably one of the most difficult things because you don't have a blank canvas, you have to go back and go over the bad parts and try to change their effect, without being able to erase them.
But I've been trying. For 3.5 years, Riley and I have been working at rebuilding our relationship, and I think it's working. The kid knows I love him, knows he's uber important to me, and that I am and always will be his Mom.
It was hard having a second child, but not for the regular reasons. It was hard because with Griffin I had a blank canvas, and I want to make NONE of the mistakes I did with Riley, but at the same time, working on rebuilding that relationship with Riley with a new baby around, is really hard. Mostly, because he doesn't want to let me in.
So here I am, working everyday harder at being Riley's and Griffin's Mom. You are never the same Mom to all your children, which is a difficult concept, but your children all have different needs. I am 26 now, and if I could've started having children at this age instead of at 18, everything would've been different. I often have wished I could've had Riley at a later age, because for his sake, I would've been a million times better Mom for him and would've been able to give him everything he needed emotionally. But I didn't, and I can't change when I had him, I can only change every day I am with him, and hope by the end of that day I did something right.
Today I am thankful that I realized my mistakes before it was too late for Riley, and before Griffin was born. I am grateful for the support system I have with my parents, that they can tell me when I am making a mistake, or that I am doing a good job. And mostly, I am thankful for my boys, and how having them has made me into the person I am today. A better person than I ever would've been without their love for me.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Don't really have a theme today...
Well, today is a quiet day, the boys and I went grocery shopping (a feat, lemme tell ya) and now we are home and all the groceries are put away. It was so nice being able to buy groceries, it was the first time we'd done a big trip in a month. My lunch is making, and the boys are eating theirs and Riley is watching old Looney Tunes cartoons.
Later today, I'll be sending out a care package to my soldier, I really hopes he likes everything :) And I can't wait to see what I can put in the next one. I got my first letter last week and so that was exciting. He's a really nice guy, from what I can tell.
Today I hope to accomplish cleaning up the little messes that have been left all over the house, and then taking the boys outside to play. Maybe even over to my sisters later to swim. Sigh.. this blog seems boring lol just like my day today, but it's a good boring, like just calm.
I'm looking forward to the possibility if I can go to California next month, I am hoping to take the boys to Disneyland for the first time, I think they'll LOVE it :) I want to take Riley before he starts to lose the magic of it. He may be only 7, but kids nowadays grow older much faster than their age. It saddens me, because I feel like their innocence in being a child is gone before they even get a chance to fully express their imagination.
I know for me, I grew up late, and then hit fast forward through my early adulthood. I still liked playing with dolls until I was 12-13 and I never really lost that. Playing dolls and dress up and babies. I wish I still had all of my collection from when I was a kid, but I don't have any of it. One thing I always wanted was my own wooden dollhouse. I still want one, with working lights. And since I make dolls, I could make all the people and stuff. I know as a teen I loved going to Tall Mouse and looking at all their doll house stuff. They even had carpet, and wood floors and wall paper. It was amazing. I never ever lost my imagination. I never ever lost my willingness to dream and believe in Magic.
I believe that I've become jaded through the years yes, like everybody, but I still have never lost the child in me that still believes. I guess that is like my faith in God. I have always had such a strong, unshakable faith in God, and that has been what has gotten me through the toughest chapters in my life. My faith is unshakable. And I guess that's me virtually throwing out a challenge to the the evil of the world to try and shake that faith, but that's not what I'm doing. I just believe. And that belief is stored in my heart.
I wish there was a way to stop the cruelty of this world in jading our children. I wish I didn't have to worry have my son being 10 or 12 years old and sexting girls, or having sex for the first time. Or whatever kids do that I didn't do until I was much older. How scary this world is that we can hardly let our children walk to the bus stop to help them gain independence, without the fear they will be kidnapped by some child predator. You are really never safe.
It's not enough we have to protect our children from other people, but we have to protect them from themselves. With drugs, and porn, and commercials, their minds are exposed. Exposed too early to addictions and harmful lifestyles. They are disrespectful and hurtful to their parents, the people who love them most in the world, and then are completely self -destructive. One thing that bothers me most is when people say, "If kids want to have sex, they'll find a way to do it, there's nothing you can do." WELL WHY NOT. Am I not their parent? Am I not the one who GAVE them life? How can I do nothing to stop a child from having sex?? It is CRIPPLING. I am Helpless and Scared of having teenagers or pre-teens.
It is the scariest thing in the world to be a parent. So scary. You hope to GOD you've done your job right by the time they are 11 years old, because once hormones kick in and they start Junior High.. there's practically nothing more you can do. You can hope and pray they are making the right choices, because by that time, your influence over their life is done. How scary is that... It used to be you had control til they were 18 and out of the house, then 16 when they got their license, then 14 when they started high school and started thinking they were adults.. and now pre-teens are having sex and smoking weed. Thirteen years old. Maybe some of you, who don't have children, and have or are smoking weed, don't think this is a big deal. But it is! Weed is the starter, sometimes that's all they do, but what if it's a gateway drug to something worse.
Yesterday, at Church they asked the congregation of about 300+ people, how many could raise their hands if they had a family member who was struggling with addictions.. can you guess how many people raised their hands? About half the church. That is CRAZY! I feel like there is nothing I can do to protect my kids.
I can't control who they meet at school. Who they make friends with. Riley is is going into 2nd grade. In first grade is was 6 years old and he came home asking me what BEER is because his friends at school, in his class, really like it. He's 6!!
(added 7/12/2011)
If at 6 years old, he is already being introduced to the idea of alcohol from children at school, then I know I can never feel safe at letting him go over to someone's house. And skipping ahead to when he's around 12 years old, when he wants to start earning his own money, can I let him start a paper route without following him to every house? No, I can't. Because there are SO many evil people in this world, he is barely safe out side of the house on his own.
There's this show called Vanished, on lifetime, that I watch and I swear it's made me ever more paranoid than I already was. But they showed the first Milk Carton child was a 12 year old paper boy, who was kidnapped and then brought into a cult for sexual predators and he was kidnapped on his FIRST morning out without his parents. He didn't want to wake them, and wanted to do it on his own. And then he was gone.
Or the 9 year old little girl in Florida who was taken out of her bed. Raped by a convicted child molester, and then buried alive 200 yards from her front door.
These stories are MASSIVE. I start to wonder why we even have children if we can't even protect them.
Even me, at 4 years old, was almost kidnapped by a man on the sidewalk in front of my house. If not for my Dad coming outside at the EXACT right second with a baseball bat, I would not be writing this today. I would probably be dead. With too many horrible things done to me before my death.
Just food for thought.
Today, I am thankful I still have time.. and that I can do everything I can to keep them safe.
Later today, I'll be sending out a care package to my soldier, I really hopes he likes everything :) And I can't wait to see what I can put in the next one. I got my first letter last week and so that was exciting. He's a really nice guy, from what I can tell.
Today I hope to accomplish cleaning up the little messes that have been left all over the house, and then taking the boys outside to play. Maybe even over to my sisters later to swim. Sigh.. this blog seems boring lol just like my day today, but it's a good boring, like just calm.
I'm looking forward to the possibility if I can go to California next month, I am hoping to take the boys to Disneyland for the first time, I think they'll LOVE it :) I want to take Riley before he starts to lose the magic of it. He may be only 7, but kids nowadays grow older much faster than their age. It saddens me, because I feel like their innocence in being a child is gone before they even get a chance to fully express their imagination.
I know for me, I grew up late, and then hit fast forward through my early adulthood. I still liked playing with dolls until I was 12-13 and I never really lost that. Playing dolls and dress up and babies. I wish I still had all of my collection from when I was a kid, but I don't have any of it. One thing I always wanted was my own wooden dollhouse. I still want one, with working lights. And since I make dolls, I could make all the people and stuff. I know as a teen I loved going to Tall Mouse and looking at all their doll house stuff. They even had carpet, and wood floors and wall paper. It was amazing. I never ever lost my imagination. I never ever lost my willingness to dream and believe in Magic.
I believe that I've become jaded through the years yes, like everybody, but I still have never lost the child in me that still believes. I guess that is like my faith in God. I have always had such a strong, unshakable faith in God, and that has been what has gotten me through the toughest chapters in my life. My faith is unshakable. And I guess that's me virtually throwing out a challenge to the the evil of the world to try and shake that faith, but that's not what I'm doing. I just believe. And that belief is stored in my heart.
I wish there was a way to stop the cruelty of this world in jading our children. I wish I didn't have to worry have my son being 10 or 12 years old and sexting girls, or having sex for the first time. Or whatever kids do that I didn't do until I was much older. How scary this world is that we can hardly let our children walk to the bus stop to help them gain independence, without the fear they will be kidnapped by some child predator. You are really never safe.
It's not enough we have to protect our children from other people, but we have to protect them from themselves. With drugs, and porn, and commercials, their minds are exposed. Exposed too early to addictions and harmful lifestyles. They are disrespectful and hurtful to their parents, the people who love them most in the world, and then are completely self -destructive. One thing that bothers me most is when people say, "If kids want to have sex, they'll find a way to do it, there's nothing you can do." WELL WHY NOT. Am I not their parent? Am I not the one who GAVE them life? How can I do nothing to stop a child from having sex?? It is CRIPPLING. I am Helpless and Scared of having teenagers or pre-teens.
It is the scariest thing in the world to be a parent. So scary. You hope to GOD you've done your job right by the time they are 11 years old, because once hormones kick in and they start Junior High.. there's practically nothing more you can do. You can hope and pray they are making the right choices, because by that time, your influence over their life is done. How scary is that... It used to be you had control til they were 18 and out of the house, then 16 when they got their license, then 14 when they started high school and started thinking they were adults.. and now pre-teens are having sex and smoking weed. Thirteen years old. Maybe some of you, who don't have children, and have or are smoking weed, don't think this is a big deal. But it is! Weed is the starter, sometimes that's all they do, but what if it's a gateway drug to something worse.
Yesterday, at Church they asked the congregation of about 300+ people, how many could raise their hands if they had a family member who was struggling with addictions.. can you guess how many people raised their hands? About half the church. That is CRAZY! I feel like there is nothing I can do to protect my kids.
I can't control who they meet at school. Who they make friends with. Riley is is going into 2nd grade. In first grade is was 6 years old and he came home asking me what BEER is because his friends at school, in his class, really like it. He's 6!!
(added 7/12/2011)
If at 6 years old, he is already being introduced to the idea of alcohol from children at school, then I know I can never feel safe at letting him go over to someone's house. And skipping ahead to when he's around 12 years old, when he wants to start earning his own money, can I let him start a paper route without following him to every house? No, I can't. Because there are SO many evil people in this world, he is barely safe out side of the house on his own.
There's this show called Vanished, on lifetime, that I watch and I swear it's made me ever more paranoid than I already was. But they showed the first Milk Carton child was a 12 year old paper boy, who was kidnapped and then brought into a cult for sexual predators and he was kidnapped on his FIRST morning out without his parents. He didn't want to wake them, and wanted to do it on his own. And then he was gone.
Or the 9 year old little girl in Florida who was taken out of her bed. Raped by a convicted child molester, and then buried alive 200 yards from her front door.
These stories are MASSIVE. I start to wonder why we even have children if we can't even protect them.
Even me, at 4 years old, was almost kidnapped by a man on the sidewalk in front of my house. If not for my Dad coming outside at the EXACT right second with a baseball bat, I would not be writing this today. I would probably be dead. With too many horrible things done to me before my death.
Just food for thought.
Today, I am thankful I still have time.. and that I can do everything I can to keep them safe.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Accomplished...
The last couple of days, I've gotten a lot done. I went through all of my financial information, every single paper that has my name on it or one of the boys, and organized, got rid of or put away every last piece. I did this with EVERYTHING I own that is not in the basement. All of my stuff, the boys toys and clothes, shoes, bathrooms... I cleaned Everything. Whew~! I am tired.. but I feel GREAT!
I was telling my Mom today that I feel like I am wiping away all the black clouds I've had hanging over my head. Cleaning up the things I've allowed to become cluttered and ignored. Things I've looked at and let go because I didn't want to deal with it. Depression is a terrible thing. They call it a disease because people feel as though they have no control on it until it becomes too late and it's consumed everything. I'd have to agree with that to a point.
I agree depression takes over your world. I agree that depression can feel overwhelming. I agree that you feel like you have no control over it. But you do. You DO have control, you just have to take it back and claim it. And it's not a "Okay, I'm taking my life back." And that's that. You have to make that decision every single day when you wake up, because otherwise, it gets away from you again, and it takes you back over before you realize it. I've allowed myself to let it control me for a long time.
But I am working on making the choice to live my own life and take back that control. I made it yesterday, I made it today, and I'm going to make it tomorrow. It's true, depression hurts. It hurts you, it hurts your friends and family. And some days, you really can't help but wallow in it. You can't do anything but cry, or be angry, or feel broken. But one day, you'll wake up. Wake up and realize time has gotten away from you. Things have been let go.
Time is a valuable thing. It's all you have to fill up on with your family, friends, work. Time is precious. Too precious to lose.
When you have children, you realize how fast time goes. How quickly it passes and you lose moments or you feel like one moment could last a lifetime. Like the moment you hear your baby's heartbeat for the first time through a sonogram. Or the first time your baby recognizes you and smiles. These moments are precious. Depression takes these moments away.
The past 2 years for me have been big. I have learned so much on how to cherish moments with my kids, and how important it is to take a moment for myself. As a woman, as a mother. I matter too, and if I don't take care of me, no one else will. And if I don't take care of my kids, no one else will. In the end, I am fully responsible for their life. Their well being. And if I don't take care of me, then how can I fully take care of them?
That's why I write blogs, it's my moment to take care and express my thoughts, and a way for me to look back at how far I've come.
I just hope that with every blog I write, I touch someone else. I hope that what I go through and bring myself and my boys through can help someone see that they can do it too.
I have heard friends of mine say.."I'm not as strong as you." My response..."how do you know??" I didn't know I could do something until I did it. I don't know how I get through everyday until I'm on the other side! I am not strong, I'm determined. I'm stubborn. I'm selfish enough that I want to be happy too! Yes, I said it. I'm selfish. I'm willful. I'm stubborn and EVERY bit of IMPERFECTION.
I don't strive to be the perfect Mom. I strive to end each day knowing I did my best, and if I fell short of that, I am humble enough to apologize and try again. Riley can tell you, I apologize when I lose my temper. I talk to my son and I will tell him, I am not perfect. But I will do my best.
Sometimes I shove my opinion down some ones throat. Yes.. I will admit that. I will admit when I am wrong... BUT.. if I believe I am right, you'll know it. And you probably won't like it. BUT I will only tell you what I think if I love you. If I care about your well being.
Anyways. I don't know where I was going with all this. I just wanted to write. Sometimes writing is the best therapy. Cleaning is also great therapy.. we just don't always like it :)
Today I am so thankful for my life. And everything and everyone in it. And that I still have time to wipe away the rest of my little black clouds..
I was telling my Mom today that I feel like I am wiping away all the black clouds I've had hanging over my head. Cleaning up the things I've allowed to become cluttered and ignored. Things I've looked at and let go because I didn't want to deal with it. Depression is a terrible thing. They call it a disease because people feel as though they have no control on it until it becomes too late and it's consumed everything. I'd have to agree with that to a point.
I agree depression takes over your world. I agree that depression can feel overwhelming. I agree that you feel like you have no control over it. But you do. You DO have control, you just have to take it back and claim it. And it's not a "Okay, I'm taking my life back." And that's that. You have to make that decision every single day when you wake up, because otherwise, it gets away from you again, and it takes you back over before you realize it. I've allowed myself to let it control me for a long time.
But I am working on making the choice to live my own life and take back that control. I made it yesterday, I made it today, and I'm going to make it tomorrow. It's true, depression hurts. It hurts you, it hurts your friends and family. And some days, you really can't help but wallow in it. You can't do anything but cry, or be angry, or feel broken. But one day, you'll wake up. Wake up and realize time has gotten away from you. Things have been let go.
Time is a valuable thing. It's all you have to fill up on with your family, friends, work. Time is precious. Too precious to lose.
When you have children, you realize how fast time goes. How quickly it passes and you lose moments or you feel like one moment could last a lifetime. Like the moment you hear your baby's heartbeat for the first time through a sonogram. Or the first time your baby recognizes you and smiles. These moments are precious. Depression takes these moments away.
The past 2 years for me have been big. I have learned so much on how to cherish moments with my kids, and how important it is to take a moment for myself. As a woman, as a mother. I matter too, and if I don't take care of me, no one else will. And if I don't take care of my kids, no one else will. In the end, I am fully responsible for their life. Their well being. And if I don't take care of me, then how can I fully take care of them?
That's why I write blogs, it's my moment to take care and express my thoughts, and a way for me to look back at how far I've come.
I just hope that with every blog I write, I touch someone else. I hope that what I go through and bring myself and my boys through can help someone see that they can do it too.
I have heard friends of mine say.."I'm not as strong as you." My response..."how do you know??" I didn't know I could do something until I did it. I don't know how I get through everyday until I'm on the other side! I am not strong, I'm determined. I'm stubborn. I'm selfish enough that I want to be happy too! Yes, I said it. I'm selfish. I'm willful. I'm stubborn and EVERY bit of IMPERFECTION.
I don't strive to be the perfect Mom. I strive to end each day knowing I did my best, and if I fell short of that, I am humble enough to apologize and try again. Riley can tell you, I apologize when I lose my temper. I talk to my son and I will tell him, I am not perfect. But I will do my best.
Sometimes I shove my opinion down some ones throat. Yes.. I will admit that. I will admit when I am wrong... BUT.. if I believe I am right, you'll know it. And you probably won't like it. BUT I will only tell you what I think if I love you. If I care about your well being.
Anyways. I don't know where I was going with all this. I just wanted to write. Sometimes writing is the best therapy. Cleaning is also great therapy.. we just don't always like it :)
Today I am so thankful for my life. And everything and everyone in it. And that I still have time to wipe away the rest of my little black clouds..
Friday, July 8, 2011
Goals..
Goals are a great thing, they are what make life worth striving for to get to the next day. A goal can be something small or big, take an hour or years to attain, it's all about your endurance. Have you set any goals lately? I know I do, everyday there is some kind of new goal. Sometimes as small as taking a shower that day... or making a yearly budget to be firm too.
Right now I have a lot of goals. Some are long term, a few are set for a few weeks.
Goal 1: Get Riley's room organized before tomorrow night.
Goal 2: Grocery shop.
Goal 3: Make 5 dolls by the end of next week and get them up on eBay by the the following week.
Goal 4: Go a whole day without thinking about Mike.
Goal 5: Don't get lower than a B in any of my classes over the next 4 years.
I could do this all day. I have hundreds of goals, everyday, setting a new one to attain.. it's the only way I get myself through this life. There are many goals I fail, everyday.. I fail at something. But I think that's why I set so many, so I can't come down so hard on myself.
I remember in high school, I used to make a calendar on a piece of paper, and I would make it on both sides and put all the things I was looking forward too, so that I could see how many days I had until I reached that special thing. And I would put it in the clear part of my binder so I would see it every time I took it out. And everyday, I would "X" out that day. I still do stuff like that. It's like I need to know EXACTLY how long I have to wait, or else I go crazy.
Somethings I don't get a timeline for. I don't know how long it'll be before this thing happens, so I am waiting in this limbo of uncertainty. And the waiting is hard. Sometimes I make rash decisions, because I'm so tired of waiting for Mr. Right, and I want to be satisfied right now. The last time I made a decision like that, I got Griffin... Yea. I don't make rash decisions anymore. lol.
This month, it's been two years since I have been in a relationship. Two years since I've had any type of intimate relationship with anybody. I made the decision back then then I needed to wait for the right man. That being satisfied right now was not how I wanted to live my life. That was not the example I wanted to set for my sons. And it was not what I wanted for myself.
This was a long term goal that I had no end for. A goal that I wasn't sure was the right decision. I didn't know then, that two years later, I would seemingly be in the exact same spot I started in. That to an untrained eye, it would seem that my life hasn't changed at all. Even to my own eyes, when I am down and feeling desperate, I feel as though I haven't moved. But I have and so many things have changed for me.
I still get that feeling sometimes, desperate for affection, willing to settle for something less than what I am striving for to get a little attention. To feel like a woman again, instead of a mother. Instead of a dried up old maid.
It's hard to believe that I will ever find what I'm looking for. That after two years, there's been no sign of something special. Something worth waiting all that time. I've gone out, here and there, and everybody is great in their own way, but mostly they would be great for someone else, and the connection just isn't there. Just not what I'm looking for.
I wonder if God is really listening, but I know He always is. I know He has my best interests at heart, and when the time is right, I'll know.
In the meantime, I have many goals set to keep me busy. Many goals to attain to hopefully help my heart from feeling so alone. As a mother, I am whole and I am doing everything I can. As a woman, I am still void. Still searching for what makes me complete. I am good on my own, don't think I am feeling as though a man would complete me. But the addition it would make to my life, would make everything worth while.
So that is a goal that is still going, may go on for much longer, but I am hoping everyday, I catch God in the right mood and he's feeling generous that day and will drop him on my doorstep.. hopefully with a sign.. "I AM YOUR SOUL MATE, MARRY ME." ... that would be ideal.. ;) haha
Until then, I have other goals to attend too. Other things to accomplish, that will hopefully make me appealing to SOMEBODY haha.
I am not a woman with baggage, I am a whole package. This is something I feel I need to remind myself of. Something I think somee men need to be reminded of. I have two amazing children... not two balls on chains that will drag you down into the depths of the ocean. I am a strong person because I have to be, and to some, that is off putting. I don't mean it to be, but I have to protect myself and my kids.
Today, I am so thankful to know my worth as a person, as a woman, as a future wife to not settle for something less than I deserve. I am thankful to be able to resist the temptation of immediate satisfaction in allowing myself to be used for the wrong reasons, or use somebody else for the wrong reasons.
Right now I have a lot of goals. Some are long term, a few are set for a few weeks.
Goal 1: Get Riley's room organized before tomorrow night.
Goal 2: Grocery shop.
Goal 3: Make 5 dolls by the end of next week and get them up on eBay by the the following week.
Goal 4: Go a whole day without thinking about Mike.
Goal 5: Don't get lower than a B in any of my classes over the next 4 years.
I could do this all day. I have hundreds of goals, everyday, setting a new one to attain.. it's the only way I get myself through this life. There are many goals I fail, everyday.. I fail at something. But I think that's why I set so many, so I can't come down so hard on myself.
I remember in high school, I used to make a calendar on a piece of paper, and I would make it on both sides and put all the things I was looking forward too, so that I could see how many days I had until I reached that special thing. And I would put it in the clear part of my binder so I would see it every time I took it out. And everyday, I would "X" out that day. I still do stuff like that. It's like I need to know EXACTLY how long I have to wait, or else I go crazy.
Somethings I don't get a timeline for. I don't know how long it'll be before this thing happens, so I am waiting in this limbo of uncertainty. And the waiting is hard. Sometimes I make rash decisions, because I'm so tired of waiting for Mr. Right, and I want to be satisfied right now. The last time I made a decision like that, I got Griffin... Yea. I don't make rash decisions anymore. lol.
This month, it's been two years since I have been in a relationship. Two years since I've had any type of intimate relationship with anybody. I made the decision back then then I needed to wait for the right man. That being satisfied right now was not how I wanted to live my life. That was not the example I wanted to set for my sons. And it was not what I wanted for myself.
This was a long term goal that I had no end for. A goal that I wasn't sure was the right decision. I didn't know then, that two years later, I would seemingly be in the exact same spot I started in. That to an untrained eye, it would seem that my life hasn't changed at all. Even to my own eyes, when I am down and feeling desperate, I feel as though I haven't moved. But I have and so many things have changed for me.
I still get that feeling sometimes, desperate for affection, willing to settle for something less than what I am striving for to get a little attention. To feel like a woman again, instead of a mother. Instead of a dried up old maid.
It's hard to believe that I will ever find what I'm looking for. That after two years, there's been no sign of something special. Something worth waiting all that time. I've gone out, here and there, and everybody is great in their own way, but mostly they would be great for someone else, and the connection just isn't there. Just not what I'm looking for.
I wonder if God is really listening, but I know He always is. I know He has my best interests at heart, and when the time is right, I'll know.
In the meantime, I have many goals set to keep me busy. Many goals to attain to hopefully help my heart from feeling so alone. As a mother, I am whole and I am doing everything I can. As a woman, I am still void. Still searching for what makes me complete. I am good on my own, don't think I am feeling as though a man would complete me. But the addition it would make to my life, would make everything worth while.
So that is a goal that is still going, may go on for much longer, but I am hoping everyday, I catch God in the right mood and he's feeling generous that day and will drop him on my doorstep.. hopefully with a sign.. "I AM YOUR SOUL MATE, MARRY ME." ... that would be ideal.. ;) haha
Until then, I have other goals to attend too. Other things to accomplish, that will hopefully make me appealing to SOMEBODY haha.
I am not a woman with baggage, I am a whole package. This is something I feel I need to remind myself of. Something I think somee men need to be reminded of. I have two amazing children... not two balls on chains that will drag you down into the depths of the ocean. I am a strong person because I have to be, and to some, that is off putting. I don't mean it to be, but I have to protect myself and my kids.
Today, I am so thankful to know my worth as a person, as a woman, as a future wife to not settle for something less than I deserve. I am thankful to be able to resist the temptation of immediate satisfaction in allowing myself to be used for the wrong reasons, or use somebody else for the wrong reasons.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Is really hoping things turn around..
I am not used to being so broke... it's... debilitating. It's like I don't even realize how broke I am until all the money is gone. It's not fun, trust me. I just went to the grocery store and got coffee, soda, bread, creamer and milk... staples in my house, trust me... it was $22.38, I spent $6.83 at home depot today getting screen for the boys play house windows. I had $30.50 left in my account at the beginning of today... I can only hope I don't need to buy anything before next Wednesday. Because I literally can't.
I have put in applications at quite a few places and received no feedback yet. I am sure I put all the right information.
This is the MAIN reason I signed up for school. With a Nursing career I can work anywhere. I won't have to worry about money cause I'll make enough and I will NEVER have to be in this spot I am today again. Thank You GOD.
I just want to have a stable life. Play money for whatever the boys want or need, or to take a vacation. And independence. Seems like that is just what everyone wants. But you have to work for it. And that is why I'm going to school for the next 3 years, to work at school to be able to have everything that I want.
I registered for classes today, and got my placement test scores. I didn't do horribly at the math, but I still have to take some refresher courses. But in English and Writing I excelled :) I got a 94/100 and I only needed to pass at a 77. So I was happy with that, especially considering I had a very bad head cold and could not concentrate on anything. The DayQuil kicked in about mid-way through the test, so that was good.
I am a little nervous about starting classes. But I am glad to get out on my own two feet and start the beginning of having a career. It's what is best for me and my sons. I love them more than anything, and I will do anything to give them everything they want.
Today, I am thankful for the fact I was accepted into the Nursing program, and that I did well on my exam so that I don't have to take a bunch of courses I don't need for my AA.
I am grateful I have enough money in the bank to get what I needed, even if it was just enough, I was able to get it and not have to starve. I am grateful I have my parents to support me and my decision to go to school, and help me in watching the boys so I can attend classes.
And lastly, but most importantly. I am so thankful to have my boys. They make me strive to better myself and better our life. Giving them a good life is all I can hope for and work for, and having the ability to support them and take care of all their needs is the best thing I will do in my whole life. And thank you God for taking care of my cold, it got better before it got worse, and for that I am eternally appreciative.
I have put in applications at quite a few places and received no feedback yet. I am sure I put all the right information.
This is the MAIN reason I signed up for school. With a Nursing career I can work anywhere. I won't have to worry about money cause I'll make enough and I will NEVER have to be in this spot I am today again. Thank You GOD.
I just want to have a stable life. Play money for whatever the boys want or need, or to take a vacation. And independence. Seems like that is just what everyone wants. But you have to work for it. And that is why I'm going to school for the next 3 years, to work at school to be able to have everything that I want.
I registered for classes today, and got my placement test scores. I didn't do horribly at the math, but I still have to take some refresher courses. But in English and Writing I excelled :) I got a 94/100 and I only needed to pass at a 77. So I was happy with that, especially considering I had a very bad head cold and could not concentrate on anything. The DayQuil kicked in about mid-way through the test, so that was good.
I am a little nervous about starting classes. But I am glad to get out on my own two feet and start the beginning of having a career. It's what is best for me and my sons. I love them more than anything, and I will do anything to give them everything they want.
Today, I am thankful for the fact I was accepted into the Nursing program, and that I did well on my exam so that I don't have to take a bunch of courses I don't need for my AA.
I am grateful I have enough money in the bank to get what I needed, even if it was just enough, I was able to get it and not have to starve. I am grateful I have my parents to support me and my decision to go to school, and help me in watching the boys so I can attend classes.
And lastly, but most importantly. I am so thankful to have my boys. They make me strive to better myself and better our life. Giving them a good life is all I can hope for and work for, and having the ability to support them and take care of all their needs is the best thing I will do in my whole life. And thank you God for taking care of my cold, it got better before it got worse, and for that I am eternally appreciative.
Gravity..
I have the CD by Sara Bareilles with the song Gravity on it. I used to think it was a love song, talking about how she just kept coming back to this guy, and that there was just something about him that kept her tied to him. That was before.. when I still believed love could conquer anything. That as long as you loved eachother, it would always work out.
But now, as I have memorized the song, sang my heart out to it, and lost myself in it... I see the real meaning.
The meaning of this song is she loves him, loves him so much she can't let go. But she needs too. He keeps pulling her back, but he's not doing anything, but she keeps coming back. She says how he loved her for being fragile, when she always thought she was strong, but when he touched her, she became what he loved about her, but that wasn't really who she was. She tries to tell him that she needs him to be more, but he won't change, and she needs to let him go, because his hold on her is keeping her from living her life. Moving on. But she keeps coming back, even though she knows she needs to let him go. She tells him 'set me free, leave me be'... But I don't think she is literally talking to him, I think she is trying to yell her self to let go of him, set herself free, her thoughts to leave her alone..
This song reminds me so much of myself. How I've lived through my relationships. This whole CD is like Me. Lol. I relate so much to each word. I think her and I would get along well. Here are the lyrics:
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do,
I still feel you here 'till the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.
CHORUS
Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone.
CHORUS
Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
I live here on my knees as I
Try to make you see that you're
Everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I
Can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
You're keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah
You're onto me, onto me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long..
This ia not typically the kind of blog I write, but the meaning of this song has slowing been dawning on me as I go through my healing stages of a broken heart. I am realizing more about myself and my weaknesses and where I am stronger than I thought.
It's a slow process, I know, but letting go of someone completely when they've been engraved onto your heart for 5 years is not the easiest thing, especially when you look into their eyes, through the eyes of your child, every single day.
But now, as I have memorized the song, sang my heart out to it, and lost myself in it... I see the real meaning.
The meaning of this song is she loves him, loves him so much she can't let go. But she needs too. He keeps pulling her back, but he's not doing anything, but she keeps coming back. She says how he loved her for being fragile, when she always thought she was strong, but when he touched her, she became what he loved about her, but that wasn't really who she was. She tries to tell him that she needs him to be more, but he won't change, and she needs to let him go, because his hold on her is keeping her from living her life. Moving on. But she keeps coming back, even though she knows she needs to let him go. She tells him 'set me free, leave me be'... But I don't think she is literally talking to him, I think she is trying to yell her self to let go of him, set herself free, her thoughts to leave her alone..
This song reminds me so much of myself. How I've lived through my relationships. This whole CD is like Me. Lol. I relate so much to each word. I think her and I would get along well. Here are the lyrics:
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do,
I still feel you here 'till the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.
CHORUS
Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone.
CHORUS
Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
I live here on my knees as I
Try to make you see that you're
Everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I
Can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
You're keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah
You're onto me, onto me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long..
This ia not typically the kind of blog I write, but the meaning of this song has slowing been dawning on me as I go through my healing stages of a broken heart. I am realizing more about myself and my weaknesses and where I am stronger than I thought.
It's a slow process, I know, but letting go of someone completely when they've been engraved onto your heart for 5 years is not the easiest thing, especially when you look into their eyes, through the eyes of your child, every single day.
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