Losing Steam...

For almost two years.. I was go go go.. Getting my life together, getting things paid off, Getting an apartment... And I feel like I'm running out of steam..

I know when I blog, I kinda seems like either I'm really high or really low or I'm just all over the place... well that's kinda how it's been. I try try try (yes I say everything in three's for emphasis ;) ) .. I get things done, I get them accomplished and I hit a wall ... like for an apt or a house. It took me a long time to get a newerish car, yes. It took a while to get my debt paid off. Everything takes time. But I just feel like for some reason things are just not working out.

I'm trying to trust in God and keep my chin up and keep going. One step at a time. Just keep moving, Bethany. It'll be worth it, you'll see.. Things will change, you'll see. Eventually if you keep going and not settling for less than you want, you'll get there. But I just feel like everything is boiling over. Tears, emotion, at the stupidest thing, I just can't hold anything in anymore.

I spent the last 20 months missing someone who did me wrong. Who abandoned his child. Who was with someone else! And why?? Because I'm lonely? Because I'm tired of being alone? Because I felt like being with him, who at least treated me well was better than being alone? Because, Because, Because. There is no good answer here. He loves me, he loves me not, he still did not do the right thing by anyone but himself. He doesn't have Gof. He doesn't know what real love is. He never would've been what my boys and I needed him to be.

But it still hurts. Hurts so bad I just can't stand it sometimes and I just want to be swallowed into a hole so deep I'll never come out. Probably not the best thing to admit, but at times it just over takes me and I just want to shut out the world. Most of the time lately, I turn down anything anyone asks me to do because I just don't want to leave the house. It's nothing against them, it's me and me not wanting to have to get dressed or have to smile or have to do anything but be depressed. And the gym? Yea... I'd rather eat a chocolate cake. I just can't make myself want to do anything.

I've been better since the last time I saw Mike, I finally got closure, I finally saw that tramp he's with, who btw, is really mean and old looking, yuck. And I finally felt better. And for the last month, I HAVE felt better, and gotten out and WANTED to do stuff. But it takes time. To heal, to come back, to get out of the black hole and see sunshine again. I just keep telling myself I have to keep moving forward, because God has a better plan. His plan is always better than mine. I just have to trust him more than myself.

So I make plans. Plans keep me going. Goals keep me walking. Walking where? I don't know. I don't know what the future holds. I just know it has to be better than what I walked away from. But when.. that's the big question. When will I find someone for me. When will my little family be out on our own. When will my boys have a Daddy. I know in my heart we are a complete little family all on our own, and we don't Need a man in our lives... but it would be nice.

I need to build myself up again. I need to keep going. I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, because one day we will be out on our own, we will be independent. And someday I have to hope God has someone wonderful planned for me out there... somewhere... someday...

God is just preparing him for us, just as He is preparing us for him. I have to keep believing that.

A little Tired.. A little Stressed..

Well, it's been a couple of weeks since I wrote a blog, and it feels like my life is literally on hyper speed. Where are my days going?? I have no idea. All I know is that it's going by fast. Already it's going to be summer and already riley's first grade year is over and already Griffin is going to be a year and a half.. where did it all go?


The last 2 years of my life have changed me so much. I grew up! Finally, my parents would say haha. When I had Riley, my life was drastically different then when I had Griffin. I was 18 and I had no idea what the world was like. I had no idea what it was like to be a Mother and yet, here I am, 7 years later. It feels like a completely different universe.


Almost 2 years ago exactly, I found out I was pregnant with Griffin. Many people that have known me for the last 6 years, have heard me say how much I wanted another baby. I did not want Riley to be an only child, and if I got pregnant... I would be happy. Well I wasn't. I lived with the thought I would be happy for 4 years BEFORE getting pregnant. And when it actually happened.. I was devastated. I had just started college for the first time, Riley was going to be starting Kindergarten, I was Just About to be child free during the day so I could work a REAL job. Well.... apparently God had other plans.


I wrote a journal entry the month I found out and asked, "God, if I Must be pregnant.. let it be a girl... please... and if you really love me... let it be a blonde hair blue eyed baby... ". And then I found out he was a boy... and I cried. But I started a new prayer, and I prayed it everynight. If i must be pregnant and it he must be a boy, please give him blonde hair and blue eyes. Laughable now, considering God DID infact hear me and grant my small prayer :)

I grew more and more excited over that baby everyday I was pregnant. I was scared, yes. I was unsure of my life, yes. But I LOVED that baby more than I thought possible to love a second child. Riley was my first love, and my love was re-newed with Griffin double time. Being older and more sure of myself and who I am enabled you as a person to fully be prepared for parenthood. And fully be able to expand your mind and heart to a child.

So, I go a few months, adjusting to this news and my life is a HUGE Question mark now.


Up until this point I. Had. A. Plan. A really Solid plan. And then.. I had Nothing.


Things with Griffins father fell apart quickly at the seems. Nothing was as it seemed, and I was a expanding box of hormones. He never quite understood that. So.. we fell apart. And I had to make a new plan.


New Plan A: get a new car with a/c, pay off debt, get our own place.


I don't really have a Plan B. But now here I am, Plan A 2/3 done... and now I have new debt. Which is relatively easy to pay off... but we need a place.. our Own place to live.. and it feels like that dream is fading away for the time being.. and i dont know how to make it work. Everything is so expensive!


How do people do it? Is it because they have husbands? Or baby daddys that actually care for their kids? What is your secret? Maybe its the sacrifice of working a real job vs. working for part-time pay to stay home. I have worked full time, and I sacrificed my time with Riley and we have both suffered for it... and are still suffering. And I can't do that with Griffin. Riley needs more than a typical child and therefore needs as much one-on-one time as possible. And with his Mom, not just anybody. Focused attention.. thats what the therapist calls it.


So I'm tired... and I'm stressed. I don't how we will ever make it on our own.

Bad Dreams...

This morning I woke up from bad dreams. They creep in a few days a month and sometimes they take a toll. Maybe I'm sharing too much of myself, but maybe I don't have a choice because I need to have an outlet. 

I won't say what the dreams were, but I will say how hurt they left me. I struggle with the reasons Griffin's father and I aren't together. I struggle with the why it happened. Whose fault it was. When did we really hit bottom and shatter. What went wrong. And how can he be with someone else and not want to be with us. 

So many questions, and even fewer answers... nothing that can make up to a real reason. I know I'm not the only one. I know I'm not the first single Mom, first woman to be left. First woman to be betrayed by a man she believed loved her. But I really did think we were different. That he was different. 

He wasn't perfect. He wasn't Prince Charming. But he was mine. And we shared a connection. And that connection was broken by .... what. I don't know. Maybe everything falls apart eventually, and I just wasn't ready for the outcome of this one. I wasn't fully aware that he was capable of being with someone else because he said he loved me and I thought... I believed he would come back around. I believed he wanted to be there for his son and it was my fault he wasn't. It took me over a year to realize... 

It wasn't my fault. 

That revelation was heartbreaking. I guess you would think it should have made me feel better. I could rid myself of the guilt. I could be honest with myself and realize that it didn't matter HOW hard I pushed him away... if he wanted to be there, it WOULD be there. It all came down to one thing.

He didn't want to be there. He didn't want the responsibility of a child. He didn't want to be a Daddy. He said so many times he wanted us to be a *family*. I thought that meant he wanted to be with us. But it just meant... he wanted the picture perfect life of being a *family*... and if he couldn't have that picture of what a *family* is in his mind... then it was broken, and he wanted no part of it. He wanted The Waltons... and I was more of a Gilmore Girl. See Lorelei? That's me.. only with boys. I fall in love, I get scared.. run off and sleep with the wrong boy and mess everything up. I didn't do that with him, necessarily, but that was my MO...  And I'm pretty sure he hated Gilmore Girls.. 

Anyways.. I'll leave out all the gorey details. But he was given a 2nd chance. A chance to be a Daddy to his son and have me and be a family like he always wanted. He didn't take it. Said he was too afraid of getting hurt again. Oh please. I'm the single Mom with two kids and he's been sleeping with another woman for over a year and HE'S the one who got hurt? Right.

So I have bad dreams. Maybe it's how I cope. For the last month I have been shutting off my mind during the day whenever I think of him and been doing other things... but I can't escape him at night. I can't escape my dreams. 

I don't know where I was going with this. I don't know where to end it, I just know getting it out helps. 

Last thoughts of him:

It still hurts.

She's a ugly tramp with soul-less eyes.. Karma!

The man I loved before is now and forever no more.
   

Big changes are on the way..

A year ago this month, I made a plan. A plan to wipe out all my debt starting August 2010 through August 2011. The reason for this plan was so that I could get out on my own with my boys and get a new car... WITH A/C!! I have never had that before :) And I got my own insurance, I was 25 and got a good rate and I was paying it all on my own, which before I was paying my Mom to be on her insurance.

In July 2010, I made my last payment on my old truck, Bessie, as my friend Kelly fondly named her. A 1999 Durango that was falling apart. I had just paid $600+ to get the a/c fixed for summer because I had a new baby and I couldn't stand the thought of my boys being in a hot car all summer long. But, my efforts failed and the a/c broke again after 3 weeks. So I paid Bessie off, and she was a good truck. She never broke down on me, never gave me any real trouble, and always got me from Point A to Point B with no problems... but the whole in my pocket from gas was slowly growing. I was paying $150+ a month in gas, but I had no payment, so I figured it was an even draw. 

In August 2010, I started watching a little boy, Theo, so that I could stay home with Griffin and be able to watch him grow and change and I wouldn't have to be away from both my kids in order to work and have to pay for daycare. I was also breastfeeding at the time, and so I wanted to continue to be able to do that. Griffin was 6 months old, and changing so much already. So I took in Theo to watch during the day, and I was able to pay off my bills, stay home and be there when Riley got home from school, which is something I've never done before. For most of Riley's life, I had worked... A Lot. And I missed SO much. And being a single Mom, if I am missing stuff, there is no father to step in and be there for him. But my parents are AMAZING people and have always stepped up and been there for my kids, especially Riley, when I had to work. 

So by December, I saw that I had been doing well in my bills, but since Theo's parents are teachers, I could'nt guarantee I'd find another job through the summer, so I took the cut from my free money and started paying more. I added $20-$50 per bill, which there are 4 main ones and 1 I was just trying to pay down for now, I wasn't sure if I could pay it off yet, but it's a small one. By February, I was doing really well, but still not good enough. And I had my inspection coming up on my car, and all you PA residents know that for an old truck, that inspection costs more than the car is worth most times. So I gathered my expenses and decided to go ahead and get a newish car WITH a/c... that was the key.. and good mpg, cause my gas was costing me.

I did some online research, wasn't really sure what to get, so I asked my Dad to go with me to a dealership and look around. Not Buy! But window shop to see what was available. Yea.. that didn't last long, I got there and found my Baby. A 2003 Toyota Corolla priced at a low $9,700. Perfect! So we got the paperwork together, got a low rate and we drove home my new car. The guy was so great and gave me a GENEROUS $2,000 for my truck. So now, what I was paying for in gas I am now paying for in a new car WITH a/c AND heat! My truck, although I loved her, didn't cool us off or keep us warm, so this was AWESOME.

And already it's March, and I've got 3 months left of work... the clock is ticking and I've still not paid anything off completely. So I do double payments April and now May.. And I've done it. I'm done! (well i've got the money put away for the last payments) But they are as good as paid off. And it feels great. 

And now I'm off to the biggest change of all. A HOUSE. And we're house shopping. I've done some research online, and now we're going to a showing of a house today. It needs some work, it's not in the BEST part of town... but it'll do. It'll give us what I've been working towards. Independence. Structure. Routine. And a closeness will be good for me and my boys. I love that my kids get to be around my parents and have that relationship that most grandkids never get to have. But we need to get out on our own. We need to have our own home with our own dog and our own yard and where everything in the house is kid proof and nothing can be broken that really matters. 

A lot of people have asked me how I've done it. How I've paid off $10,000 worth of bills in a year. Well, it's a lot of dedication. A lot of sacrifice. A every bit of determination to get where we want to be and I am done sitting on the side lines watching everybody else live the life I want. The life I want my kids to have. 

Big changes are on their way. Big changes are happening to us. And I am so ready. So so ready... :)

Next goal? Get a husband.... LOL ;-)

Oh what a day...

So today, my wonderful friend Michelle gave me a little mini hp laptop that her brother in law no longer needed. It's perfect! Just goes to show there are still good hearted people in this world.

Anyways, I get this little thing going and decide I should network it to my old computer and transfer some files over and yea, sounds easy right? Simple? No. No it's not, and NOBODY should be allowed to change anything on their computer when they do not know what they are doing! Namely Me... 

I've now locked myself out of my compuiter, it told me I don't have access to my hard drive... wonderful. So I tried to restore it to yesterday... I don't have access. CRAP! Now what do I do! I should never have touched the dang thing. Crap. Crap. CRAP!

So I went into safe mode and it tells me I should change ownership. So I tried that. I really don't know what I'm doing. So halfway through I hit cancel, cause I got scared maybe I shouldn't have done that. And I thought it would either tell me i should keep going and let me, or just cancel whatever i did and make no changes. It didn't do EITHER. It cut me out of it AND made only half changes. CRAP.

So I go to system restore again! It let me in this time.. but now it's been stuck on the *waiting for system restore to initialize* screen for 20 minutes... This is a REALLY. Bad. Sign. That much I DO know.

I never should've touched anything.

Today I needed more hands...

As a single Mom, you learn to get by with what you have. Give the kids more than you have. And have a little less for you, because that's just the way it is.

Well today was one of those days I could've used another set of hands. And I am exhausted, it was *go-go-go* all day and Griffin said "Hello" to the day wide awake at 6:15am. "Good Morning baby" I say, trying to smile, because Mommy went to bed with a migraine and feels the effects of it this morning, taking away what little energy I have at that unGodly hour of the morning.

So I get my coffee, get Griffin a bowl of cereal. And I sit... for 3 whole minutes. Any of you that get to enjoy a cup of coffee all in one sitting without a child screaming, it getting cold, knocked over, or getting dirty toddler fingers put in it? I hate you... lol

So I never finished my coffee, and it was time to get the day started. We are having a neighborhood yard sale this weekend, and so the dog is already yapping at 7 am at every pass-er-by, and Griffin is being his joyous, happy self, turning the tv off every 5 seconds and pressing the loudest toy truck I've ever heard in my life. And Riley is ready to spend all his money finding whatever knick-knacks he can.

I'm sitting down for the first time all day long.. And yes I mean that literally. It's 3:30pm and Griffin is taking his nap and Oh thank GOD... My coffee is ready. I just finished putting away 4 loads of laundry, emptying and reloading the dish washer, and then found 3 more loads of clothes that need to be done... Great. Coffee is my only drug. It's the only thing I allow myself to thoroughly enjoy, and I do it well.

Today was a day I needed more hands. I could tell you all about my day and let you fully experience how I needed another set of hands to help, but it's pretty obvious. I am a single Mom and I have two kids, clearly I need help of some kind.

More normally I do alright. Normally I can get through the day and it's just like any other day and I just do it. But today... Today I needed help. I did it, I did fine, but I was scrapping my heels getting through the day. Some how, there are a few days once in a while where the thought comes to me, "I wish I had someone." "I wish he was here today." "I wish things were different."

Why don't I have help? I know I have my parents and they are great.. but why don't my kids have Daddy's? Why did God see fit for me to be a single Mom for however long it is..? I know He's got someone special in store for me. But why do I have to wait so long.

It's hard seeing how happy my friends are with their husbands and babies. It's not that I'm jealous.. Okay, let's face it sometimes I am.. but that's not the point here. haha. It's just hard! Any of you out there with great Daddy's for your little one's.. thank God for them tonight because not all of us are so blessed. Some of us were lied too. Some of us were taken advantage of. And some of us were saddled with ALL of the responsibility of these little souls to raise.

I just needed someone today. I just needed help today. Even just someone to put my head of their shoulder and share a good bad or quiet moment with. Or hold my hand.

Sometimes I look at my boys and I get to share a beautiful moment with them, and I think... "He should've been here for this." "He doesn't realize what he's missing." I don't love that I don't get to share my kids. Sometimes it's nice because I make all the rules, but most of the time I want to share all of the moments. The proud ones, the sad ones, the *my-kid-is-driving-me-crazy-you-take-him!!* moments.

I just want to share it. I'm ready to share my life. I don't want to do this alone forever. Because that would just be sad. And I am tired of being sad about doing it alone already, I can't imagine another 5, 10, or 20 years of it.

So I will sit here and drink my coffee and pray that the next 6 hours go as smoothly as possible, but I'm just ready for it to be bedtime already and take a long hot shower.

I've had 2 showers this week, and both of them had to be record times of under 7 minutes. And that's not easy.

I just want a break today..

I wish I had an Easy Button...

You know that Staples commercial where they have the red Easy button that makes everything just happen exactly right? Well today I need a *do-over* button for this morning. 

It's rough being a Mom. It's hard and tough and sacrificial. I wish sometimes I could just do everything for him and make things a little easier! Riley didn't do his homework this week. Half my fault because I didn't remind him, and half his because he knew he had it, and I was caught up in his birthday this week.

Well, this morning I remembered he hadn't done it. I got him up early this morning to get ready so I could take the babies for a morning walk because they wouldn't be settled and kept crying at the door, mostly Griffin because let's face it.. he wants what he wants. He's 1. 

So I figured a walk would be good for them. Riley was sleeping and I got his clothes ready and laid them out and woke him up. I walked the boys up and down the street, Griffin won't stop trying to go INTO the street, and so we go back home. As I'm coming in, I set Griffin in the house and turn to get Theo out of the stroller, I pulled the door almost closed, I should've just closed it. Well Griffin pulled it open and Molly (our yorkie) ran out the door and darted across the street to find my Mom who was also out for a walk with my sister, Jen. Well, I come in and tell my Dad, Molly ran off! 

What to do, what to do. I come in and get the boys inside, make sure Riley is getting dressed. Three minutes later Mom comes in and I assume Molly caught up with her. Nope! I get yelled at for not leaving the boys and running after her. *Sigh* Okay, like I could keep up with that dog.

I come in, it's 7:45am, I remember Riley's homework and call him down to do it, he's got his clothes on and is 98% ready for school. Already it's a fight. Just asking him to do his homework, it's a fight. "I don't want too.." "I don't know how.." "I can't read.." ... Oh.. em.. Gee... Please let me not rip my hair out!! 

I yelled. I hate yelling, but he knows he needs to do it. Where is my patience this morning?? Mom Fail #1 

He then starts whining more and not wanting to do anything. He's supposed to write a story and then draw a picture about it using 5 of the words given. Obviously this should've been done on Monday cause it was way too much work for a morning. Mom Fail #2.

I tell him a story he can use, something simple and direct and easy. "Today, the lamp jumped off the desk and turned into a blimp. It floated up to the sky and bumped into the sun! And then floated back down." Easy. He wouldn't do it. He wrote some sentence of 5 words he put together that made no sense... Where is my Patience?? He's 7. He's 7. I have him write his story, make his picture... he's still not going to finish his homework. He's ill prepared for school. Mom Fail#3... 

Where's my "strike 3 you're Out! " Bench me. Somebody put a fork in me, I'm done.. 

Where's my do-over button? It's not even 9am.

The hard part about being a Mom is remember that this little person you created IS a person. They have feelings and their feelings are tender. They have thoughts and ideas and they are not just little pod people you can tell what to do. 

To those of you that don't have children, this concept may seem like it should come easy. But it doesn't. These little people started out as a tiny person with only one mode of communication. You teach them how to speak, think for themselves, walk by them selves, make their own choices, and be a person! The problem is when they BECOME a person and you no longer control them. They have their own voice. And they LOVE to speak it. 

It's a strange thing being a parent. Raising up these little beings. They need you so much and yet they want to be so self sufficient. Where's the line? When do you let do it themselves and let them make their own mistakes? When do they start learning from their mistakes? I don't know yet. He's just turned 7 and it feels like he should know so much already, but he's still learning. And it's my job to remember that he still needs to be loved and comforted and told what to do... in a loving way. He needs structure. If he doesn't then he can't become a whole person because he won't know boundaries. 

Oh to be a Mother! It seems like you should know what to do all the time. That a manual should be uploaded into your mind every answer that will come with being a parent.

But there's not. There's no manual, no booklet. There no *how to be the perfect parent- For Dummies* .. I wish there was. I would buy it. Read it cover to cover. 

I could write about this forever. I've had enough Mom Fails to last a life time.. and yet I keep making them. It's hard not too! And it's okay to admit that. I make mistakes. I'm not perfect, I will never be perfect, but I'm all he's got. I'm all Griffins got. I am the only one who can show them the way, and that is my responsibility. If I don't try and make mistakes and start NEW every day, they will never make it. 

Sure they'll grow and become men, but what kind of men will they be without guidance? With out structure and boundaries and someone there to teach them right and wrong..? 

That's where I come in. I brought them into this world. I had help in that, I guess, but no help after. No fathers. But their "fathers" are not men I would want them to be. It's amazing what happens to a man when he realizes he's going to become a father.. it's like they swallow a *jerk pill* and now all of a sudden... they can't handle this. Sure I'll have sex! Oh wait.. that could make a baby? Say what? No no... I didn't do that.. you're carrying it.. that's YOUR baby. 

Okay. I'll do it. I'll raise them and make them into better men then you. Because that's on me. I am the woman, I carry and nurture the baby. Now it's all on me. Should it be that way? No! But what's better? Staying with a man who really didn't want to be a Daddy? And let my kids take the brunt of that selfishness? Or let their Fathers leave and do as they please, and give them all of my love and be Mom and Dad. Sure they feel the void. But will they feel the constant rejection to their face? No. No they wont. 

I love my boys, and yes I'm going to make mistakes in raising them, every parents does. I may make more then some, less then others, but it's only me. I have to make all the decisions and hope they turn out alright. Hope my love is enough and they don't resent me for not having Dad's. I tried. really i did, to get them to shape up.. but you can't make a man be a Daddy.

Anybody can birth a child.. but its a decision EVERY SINGLE DAY to be a Parent, and a good one at that. Good kids don't just happen, someone has to be there to teach them, and hold them close. 

It's a decision I make every day. And one day, I hope my boys represent me and show the world they were raised well into good men who become the amazing men, husbands and Daddy's that their own fathers were obviously not raised to be..

A Little Exciting...

So, since I'm just starting out, it's pretty interesting. I get on and I don't really know what to say.. where do I start? What does it mean when you say, "Chapter 1.." 

I don't really know where my life begins, because everyday is new, and I never know exactly what I'm doing.. and by the end of the day, I have done something I never had planned.

Okay. 

My name is Bethany, I am 25 years old and in just eighteen short days, I will be starting another year of my life at 26. At 26 years old, I feel as though I've accomplished nothing. Even so, I've graduated high school, moved across country with only the things I could pack in my car, got married, had my first son, bought my first house, got divorced, moved across country again, began my life as a single Mommy of one, worked a little, did a little college, had my 2nd son, and now here I am. Back at square 1. How many chapters is that..? Or do I just go ahead and start over.... again.

Yesterday marked 7 years of one chapter in my life. My first son, Riley, was born. Just 19 days before my 19th birthday. Riley is so many things bottled up in one little body, who would've thought a child could teach you so much. 

I guess that's when I realized I am getting old. 26! Where did my life go? Didn't I JUST graduate high school? No.. no I didn't apparently. I am (almost) 26, a single Mom of two boys, and scrambling to get our life in order. It's a slow process. Obviously. :) 

So.. where does it all start. 

The journey called life... leads to a few mishaps... a few rainbows... turning into quite the adventure... and hopefully when you get to the other side... you've got a BIG story to tell... I know I do.. and it's only just beginning.

A Firm Believer...

I am a firm believer in starting over. New beginnings. New Chapters. A Fresh start... because without those, we would all be leading very miserable lives dwelling in all of our mistakes.

Which is exactly why I named the page LetsStartThatAgain. It is the epitome of how we all feel after some disastrous decision we made without thorough thought. Please! Give me a do-over! I know that's how I've felt all my life every time I made a decision that was usually life altering.

So this is my blog about all of life's little mistakes and choices that i just want to smile and say "Okay, Chapter 1... *insert massive mistake here...*.... Okay wait... Let's start that again.."