Not exactly how I planned...

Today did not exactly run out as I had envisioned it. Being a parent, not necessarily as single parent, but just one in general, you envision tender... bonding moments with your children. You know, like those commercials... Front row seats: $75... Souvenirs: $50... Catching that ball for my son...: Priceless... You all know you've watched and thought... that's going to be me one day...

Today was NOT that day...

Day starts early for Griffin.. up at 6:20am... I almost thought I was delusional to see that time on the clock.. must be wrong... but No. It was that unGodly hour in the summertime. So we get up. He seems bright and cheery... illusion...

By 7:30.. he's is CRANKY. Already ready to go back to bed... this goes on for hours... I have so many things to do today that I want to accomplish so I can enjoy some alone time with my boys. I even think I can make in some park time... Well.. then I am on dinner duty and so I have to already cut the day short before it even begins, but its alright, I haven't done dinner in a while.

Griffin and I get in the shower, trying to cut time and get clean, I tell Riley he needs to get up and get ready too. It's almost 11am and it's getting late. We are finally ready and set out. We stop by Starbucks, get some treats, head over to the bank, make deposits, but my patience level has already dropped 25 pts because I feel rushed. Riley is at the "Mom-Mom-Mom-Mom"... each Mom hitting a higher octave.. I'm on the phone... I turned around.. "WHAT..." I hate being short, but how many times do I have to say.. drop interrupt a phone call. If I don't answer after the 2nd Mom... I must be doing something so PLEASE give me a MOMENT. He's 7, not 3... he is capable of understanding. He then says, "Get me a lollipop!" (we are at the bank and they give lollipops)... okay I say. She gives me 2 red lollipops... I give him the red and then accuses me of not giving him a blue one.. I don't have a blue one! and it's back and forth again... he's arguing with me... Patience drops another 15 pts.

We finally make it out of there and head to the college to get my transcripts. He is fighting with me with every step. "my legs hurt" "i don't wanna walk" he is really being lazy, his legs don't hurt... but he lays down in the hallway at the registrars office... So. Embarrassing... "Riley.. GET.UP.NOW!"... in that Mom-whispering-scream tone that says MOVE YOUR BUTT NOW. Sigh... Patience is dwindling here. We get out of there... and I'm about to skip the movie entirely, I have a bad ominous feeling coming on..

We get to the movie, I buy popcorn, drink and corn dogs... such a waste. Get into the movie, Riley settles in and is GREAT during the movie... but of course now it's the others turn to be a nightmare... Griffin screamed for 2 hours. There was literally MAYBE 15 minutes the whole time, that he didn't scream. He was over tired, the theater is too loud and he would not sleep. Patience... GONE.

I am varying between being understanding to impatience to irritation to understanding.. I am trying REALLY hard not to get upset, but I am so embarrassed he is screaming as though I am hurting him and I am just holding him.. he wants to just run around the theater freely. He is yawning between screams and I am missing my bonding moment with Riley and Griffin, watching the movie as a family. Griffin is still too young, but I thought he might sleep so that I could hold him and sit with Riley and enjoy it together.

I am mostly disappointed... and sad. I can't be irritated with Griffin because he's just a baby, he doesn't understand. And he needs love and tenderness.... and SLEEP. haha. He really needed sleep, and Mommy is exhausted too. But Riley DID enjoy the movie, so that was worth it.

We head over to HACC and drop off my transcripts, and Riley is kinda being bratty again, saying he doesn't want to get out of the car, he doesn't want to walk, he doesn't want to go in there, sigh... it won't take that long.. and then we're going home.

We're done in 15 minutes and are now on our way home. Griffin is Zombie-like cause he's so tired. We get in and all I can think is how much i need coffee cause I'm about to drop. Griffin won't let me put him down. So I make the coffee and lay down on the couch with him so he'll fall asleep. He does.. but then so do i. We napped for about 45 minutes and then I get up cause I have to start dinner. He wakes up and SCREAMS the whole time I'm trying to prepare it. About 5-8 minutes til I get it on the stove to boil. I pick him up and calm him down, get him back to sleep and sit on the couch with him for an hour so he can sleep, he won't let me put him down.

It's these kinds of days where you feel the pressure of being a single parent. You have no one to ask to take the kids for an hour so I can re-collect myself. Or even 10 minutes to get a better attitude.

Griffin went to bed around 6:30... but didn't sleep until 8.. And I laid with him the whole time. Riley was at my nephews baseball game, and so I got the chance to just lay with him and let him go to sleep. He was so tired, but he still fought it hard. But when he finally sleeps... it is bliss.

I got to go to the store with my sister, Kristal, and pick up some things. Thank God for giving me my parents who are wonderful and allow me to go do things when my kids are sleeping.. really.. it's awesome. I don't like to leave them when they are awake, I feel too guilty.

And now I'm home, drinking tea tonight, and having a little time to myself to answer some emails and write this blog and get out my day... getting it out helps me to start fresh the next day.

I write these blogs to give a real, down to earth view of my life as a Mom. It's not always pretty and I don't smooth out the rough edges.

I'm not perfect, but I try the best I can for my kids. I slip up, I yell, I regret, and I apologize.. Sometimes, giving your kids the respect they deserve as little people, helps them be more human, and not expect their Moms and Dads to be perfect too. It helps bond you, I think.

Today I am thankful I was able to take my boys to the movies. I am grateful my boys are healthy and happy and that they love me and they know how much I love them, no matter what. I am so thankful for my family, who help me and support me in everything I do whenever they can. God has blessed me in so many ways.

Really.. what more could I ask for? What more can I expect. I can only hope someday, God will give me the opportunity to share all the love I have to offer with a man worthy of me and that I am worthy of. But life now, I am content to be.

My sister asked me yesterday if I even wanted a guy, and my answer is ....Yes.. of course I want a man in my life. But I am also OK right now. I am in a good place and I am not desperate for love. I am heading in a good direction and I have goals to attain.. and that doesn't include a husband. I realize that a husband is not a goal to achieve... it's a gift. An addition to my life, not someone to fill the void.

I am so thankful God is molding me into who I am and who I will become, because as a person.. I am happy in who I am and who I will always be. And I will always strive to be better tomorrow than who I am today.

Starting Over...

Well, today I have to go get my transcripts from Millersville sent over to HACC, and take the boys to see Cars 2. My sister, Kristal, is here from Indiana with her kids C.J., Caleb and Kambria, and today they are going with my Mom and my other sister, Jennifer and her kids Mckenna, Lance, Kiley and Madison to Gettysburg, Pa. They have been here for over a week, so it's been busy busy around here :)

Lately I have just been focusing on starting school and starting my life over. Trying to forget the past and just move forward without looking back. Unfortunately, that is insanely difficult. But I am trying really hard. Being a Nursing major is a BIG deal for me, it's a real goal with a name! Something I can say instead of just going to college, I'm going to be a Nurse! :) It makes me really happy to have a real goal.

I can't believe it's almost July.. Where did this year go?? Before I know it, it's going to be Christmas again, and then Griffin's 2nd birthday, and then Riley will be 8, and I will be 27... Those are very big numbers... especially that last one. Twenty-seven. It kinda makes me cringe. I don't like it. I am supposed to be married and moved into my own house by now, and especially by then.. I know it's still 11 months away... but it feels like it's practically right around the corner. But even still, I feel like since I am started school, I cannot even IMAGINE finding my husband and getting married before I finish. It's kind of weird thinking about it.

But in a year, I will be finished with my first year of school, and that much closer to getting my AA, and getting a stable job where I can buy my own house, and never ever need baby daddy money again. And all that money will be for my kids college funds. That's what I want.

Starting now, things will change. I will be adamant about not looking back and asking myself what if. I will be strong in my efforts to focus on school and my kids and looking forward. And I will be ready whenever God decides it's time for me to meet the man he's chosen for me.

I am going to start ending my blogs with what I am thankful for..

I am so thankful today that my kids are happy and healthy. That I didn't crack my head open at my sister's pool, and that Griffin didn't drown. And I am so grateful to be accepted into the Nursing program at HACC, so that I can really begin the next chapter in our lives.

Haunted..

Is it wrong to say you are haunted by someone who is still alive? That no matter where you go or what you do, they are never far from your mind.. And I won't say far from my heart.. because a big part of me feels as though my heart doesn't feel anything at all. But my mind.. it won't let me forget. It won't allow me to heal. It won't let me let go.

I have written a few blogs about the trouble I've had with my feelings for Mike. Not just as Griffin's father.. but just from our history. I just feel so haunted. I can't help but hurt myself over and over again by just doing simple things... like listening to music. Watching a movie. It seems as though every little thing reminds me of him.. and reminds me how much pain he's caused me.

These are by no means *warm and fluffy* feelings. They are nails and thorns. Every time I take a step in any direction, I am stepping on a thorn of memories that is causing me pain. Reminding how much he doesn't care about me and Griffin.

Last week I went to the mall and met my friend Michelle there with the kids. We went into a few stores, they were having all these big sales, and I bought way too much stuff. Towards the end of the visit, we went in Victoria's Secret, and I know I have no one to buy sexy lingerie for. So Michelle says to buy it for myself.. well, that is even more depressing. So I pick up a couple of things, and we head to our own homes. So I am already a little down because everything in there is a pretty pink and I know Mike loves pink on me.

So I am driving home, and I have my cd The Script playing, and many songs on there remind me of him and I and this whole tragic situation, and so I am almost home, gettting off the fwy, and I turn it off. I don't want to think of him. And then the song by Adele, "Rolling in the Deep" comes on, and if any of you know this song, you'll know why it reminds me of him. And as a painful memory of him rejects me comes in my mind.. I seee him.. across the street, turning the same way I am onto Lincoln Hwy. Going in the direction of my house and his parents house... I am not naive enough to hope he was going to my house. But I am one car behind him.

It's Saturday, and he should be with his tramp. But he's not. He's alone. Going to his parents house. I am finally directly behind him, and he doesn't even glance in the direction of my neighborhood, which he passes... and I turn in. This hurts.

I am just getting better. I am just feeling better. And now this. Why did I have to see him? Why didn't I drive slower or faster and miss him completely!? Why did we have to be at that intersection at the EXACT SAME TIME??

Why. Why does this still hurt me. And then I wonder.. Did he see me? Did he know it was me? Does it hurt him too.

I want this to stop. I want this to let me go. I don't know why it doesn't. I don't know why I can't heal.

I don't know anything anymore.

Is today my day too..?

Today is Father's Day... I have both of my boys full time. Jason, my son Riley's father, sees Riley maybe 4 times a year. This year Riley actually stayed with him Memorial Day weekend, which was interesting, but I am learning to let go and allow Riley to spend more time with his father. I don't know how many of you know this, but my relationship with his father during our marriage was very abusive. For two years we were married and 98% of the time was miserable, painful, and very scary. So it took me a long time to trust Jason at all around Riley. But through the past 6 years, Jason has changed. He isn't the man he was when we were married, he's become responsible and loving towards our son, and I know he loves Riley very much. So I am giving him the opportunity to be his Dad and spend time with him. But this is still all very new to all of us. So for the past 7 years of Riley's life, I raised him. And for that time, I have been both Mom and Dad to Riley as best I could.

As for Griffin, he is only 16 months old right now, and his father is probably at his parents house right now, getting ready for a Father's day lunch like they do every year. He is probably with his tramp and celebrating Father's Day with his Dad, who was always a loving Dad to him his whole life. Mike is adopted and was raised by doting parents. And yet... he is no daddy to his son. I wonder today if he is thinking of Griffin. Thinking of the fact that he is a Father. I wonder if he blames me, in some sick and twisted way that is the farthest thing from the truth of the situation, that he's not with Griffin today, celebrating this day as his father. It's his own choices that led him here, I may have pushed him away during my pregnancy, but he could've been there for his child. So I'm a little sad today.

So it hit me today.. is today my day too? Because I have been both Mommy and Daddy to my boys for their whole lives? I don't expect a card or present, but should I take some pride today in the fact that I have done my best to be everything to my kids. Fill in where their father's have left a void.

I do give Jason some credit for trying this past year to be sort of there for Riley and ask about him, whereas the full year prior we heard or saw nothing of him at all. But not too much credit because he still isn't giving Riley what he needs in a Daddy.

It seems odd, I guess, to say I need a Daddy for my kids, cause it sounds like it's all I am looking for, someone to fill those bottomless shoes, but it's not.

I need a man for me, a loving and affection husband, and someone I can love and be affectionate towards. I need a man in our lives that wants to take care of our needs, not just financial, although, I can take care of that myself, but emotional needs. That wants to be a support system and a family. Where we can lean on each other.

I have a lot of love left to give. And my boys have so much to offer. I guess I just know deep in my heart that we need something more. That we could make it without it, we would be fine if I never found someone who wanted to be there, it would be okay. But I know that we want someone there... and we hope that there's someone out there that wants to be here with us too.

So... Happy Father's Day to all the great Daddy's out there that are supportive and loving to their children and their wives, or baby momma's... And to all the Mommy's out there that are filling the void our children's sperm donor's have left befind.

This week should have been skipped entirely...

Let's start that again...

This has probably been the worst week I have had in a long time, and in large part, an all around bad month... and I may never take another vacation...

This week started on Sunday, the 12th of June, and Griffin awoke with a worsening case of losing his voice, my poor little guy could not hit his normal ear piercing pitch, and as much as it hurts my ears, I was missing it because I knew it meant he did not feel well at all.. :( This morning kind of drags on, we got up early, around 7ish am, and so I start finishing up all the things we needed, and then some, for our very first beach trip. This was Griffin's FIRST trip to the beach. I am really excited to get going.

And then he falls... and he cries... and he opens up his mouth really wide and I see them.. little white spots covering the back of his throat... no wonder he was cranky. I start to panic, thinking of the many things this could be, and finish throwing everything in the car, get the boys packed in and head to the hospital. Luckily we get right in and they see him. No fever as of yet, but he's got thrush they said...

This is the beginning of a very long trip. A trip I wish had gone very differently. A trip that turned out to be greatly regretted, not much enjoyed and a true disappointment to both myself and my kids.

I really wanted to enjoy this vacation, I really wanted it to be the start of a wonderful summer. But it wasn't... and if it's any indication of how this summer is going to go, I would rather hide.

Sunday: Trip to ER. Longest drive ever to Ocean City, MD. Crappy weather. Cranky kids.
Monday: Griffin gets a 101 fever, Lethargic, and all around not happy. Terrible time at the beach, barely got  to enjoy it for even a moment. Let down my Riley because he didn't get to ride the pier rides like I promised, and my phone broke.
Tuesday: Completely missed and forgot to cancel my dental appt, 4 hour drive home, 1 hour in a sprint store. Cranky kids. Griffin's fever continues. Got a ghetto phone to use with no numbers.
Wednesday: Cranky kids. Dr's appt, not thrush, diagnosis unknown. Fever finally breaks.
Thursday: I am depressed because of the way this week is going. Cranky Kids. Cranky Momma. Totally forgot and missed Riley's therapy appt. Finally got a replacement phone.
Friday: Totally forgot and missed my WIC appt. Cleaned the house for literally 5 hours straight and feel like I got nothing accomplished. Kids fighting. Cranky and Depressed Momma.

Please let this month get better. It's been nothing but disappointments by the people I counted as friends. By things in my life. By people I depend on. By myself.

I disappointed myself this month because I should've been better with my finances. Yes it's true I just paid off all my debt. But that doesn't give me lee-way to just do retail therapy to make myself feel better. I still have responsibilities. I still have bills to pay. I have to keep it together.

I also found out this month I can't get a house. I can't get an apartment. I can't do anything until I make over $30,000 a year by myself on paper. Great.

So yesterday I applied to college. I have been advised for some time that I should become a nurse. Well, it's been on my mind a lot lately, so I decided to go for it. And this way I could support my boys and not have to worry about child support. I could be independent with them and take care of them and be something they will be proud of.

This is the only thing that is good this week, so far.. I just hope that the curse of this week does not carry over to this as well and I not get accepted or approved for what I have applied for.

Please God, let tomorrow be better. Let next week be 200x better than this week and every week after that. I need it to be better.

I have learned this week that I should learn to take the advice of those who love me, because 9 times of of 10, they've proven to be right.

Today my summer begins..

I usually write my blogs with coffee close at hand, for some reason it always makes me think clearer to have it by me.

Today I am going on vacation. Day 1 of 5 and I am praying diligently it goes smoothly. Already, my friend Jen has had a mishap leading up to this vacation with her car breaking down last night, and that was stressful. What's funny is that I was just thinking yesterday that vacations are supposed to be your break from your stressful life so that you can relax, and yet for some reason, they always end up causes more stress and making you go broke, like me. I can tell you right now I would be no where CLOSE to being broke right now had I not been buying for our beach trip the past 2 weeks. I am very good with money and would've been fine had I not had unfortuneate circumstances... ie: exhusband not paying child support. I have the child 99.8% of the year, please just pay on time so my life can run smoothly.

You what's funny? They tell you when you go to file for child support, that this cannot be a dependent income. You are not supposed to *depend* on this income FOR your dependent. But~! It's supposed to be an income to make up for the other half of income you are lacking, so how can you not depend on it? That's like having both parents working within one family, and someone telling you that you shouldn't depend upon your husband/wife's income and you should just be sufficient on your own. Yea, like THAT ever happens... maybe in a perfect world I guess. But I'm a single mother. Already I am at a disadvantage because I am a woman. I have the children, so I can't just work and work for an income because I also have to Care for the children. But I know if I was a man without the children and I had to pay support, then I would work 2 jobs to make up for that, because he doesn't have the children, he has the time for that... but no man ever does. They just give you the left overs, whereas I still have the children, and no matter what, I have to make sure they are taken care of completely. Maybe that doesn't make sense, maybe it does, but I know I find it odd.

In fact, in this time, I don't see how it's possible for any mother supporting children, under school age, on her own to make it without the help of family. Unless she is working 2 jobs, has child support and puts all her kids in daycare. I am unsure how I will make it without Griffin and Riley being in school fulltime.

So, today I'm gong on vacation, hopefully to get away from the things around here that are stressful. I'm going to try not to worry about my bank account. Try not to fret about next week and just relax.. Well... relax as much as I can while chasing around a toddler and trying to not let him eat too much sand and not walk straight into the ocean ... :)

I love my boys and I am so glad to be able to share this time with them. <3

All the Beautiful things..

As I sit here with my coffee, I am making mental lists of all the things I will need for our trip. We are going to Ocean City, Maryland. This is my first time paying for a hotel room. My first time going on vacation with my boys, and my first vacation to the beach without my family. Lots of firsts for me. And the best first is, this is my first time going on a vacation with a friend, as an adult :) It's a very liberating feeling, having all those things combined. I am very very excited to be doing this with my friend, Jen and her kids. We have both had a rough year and really need this break away from real life.


This morning it was my last day for this school year to watch Theo, and it made me a little sad cause I've seen him grow from a little sleeping baby all the way to a walking, laughing boy! It's very cool to share that time with a child that's not your own. And so today, when his Mom dropped him off we were talking about our weekends, and I'll be celebrating Theo's 1st birthday with them tomorrow and then she said she was going to Ocean City, MD as well next week! And one conversation led to another and she invited me and the boys to stay the rest of the week with her there, instead of going home on Tuesday, so Wow! This will be an awesome vacation :) Lissa is a great person, and getting to know Her better will be a lot of fun.


So this was a great start to an already awesome weekend coming. I have been stressing this week and still stressing a bit because the whole way I've been doing my finances for the 10 months is drastically changing immediately. I am losing 2/3 of my income, and although I don't have 2/3 of the bills i had before, it is still a notable change and I am feeling it. Although everything should have been fine and comfortable, my ex husband, Jason, changed jobs again and didn't tell me and so all of a sudden, 50% of my now income stopped almost 3 weeks ago. I kept hoping it would pick back up and hoping everyday a payment would come in, but alas, it has not. Although he is trying to fix it, it is not fast enough, and I've wiped out my savings trying to keep up with the bills that were already scheduled and changing the ones I could. And not knowing I wasn't going to have this income at all (it comes weekly), I had no idea I needed to curb my spending for my coming up trip. So I am low. Dangerously low, and am really hoping God sees fit to provide some help for myself this next month. I should be okay, but depending upon men who have proven to be undependable is a dangerous game.


So, knowing I would be coming up on a summer of no income for myself, I have been applying to jobs, about a dozen so far in the last month, and I've not received any call backs yet. It's not looking good. I did pay off all my high bills, and I will have enough with what I have, assuring that Jason kicks back in, everything will be smooth this summer and I won't need to get a summer job. All i really need to pay are my car, car ins, and cell phone, and 2 new bills, but low payments until I start working again, so those aren't any big deal.


I guess I'm just rambling about my stressers this week. I know that a few weeks from now, this will be all water under the bridge and everything will be okay again... right? Right.


Now I am just looking forward to my 5 days of blissful-ness at a beautiful beach with my beautiful boys, and getting a beautiful tan... :)


Hello Sunshine... I know you've been waiting for me.... <3

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How many heartbreaks does it take...

Before you are able to say goodbye. That is a number I've been searching for, for a very long time.. but I think I finally reached it.

One can take only so many ignored texts and calls.. one can take only so many lies and stabs in the chest.. before you finally bleed out all the love you ever held in your heart for that person and there's nothing left to feel.

I have hit a wall a few times where I thought I was done.. I thought it was over and I actually.. stupidly.. managed to get over that wall and try again. Try again. Why did I keep trying. How many hits before I really said I was done. I was done waiting. Done wanting. Done wishing. Done remembering.

I've finally hit my number. I finally reached it and I am burnt out. I don't even want to know any more answers, I can't ask anymore questions. I have none left. He killed everything we ever shared with silence. And his tramp killed the rest with harrassment. Lies. Maybe truth, but probably lies.

I guess calling my beloved child the biggest mistake he's ever made... that was my number. If only he said it to my face so I could ram my knee into his balls. But no. Cowards do what cowards do and they bitch in silence to wanting ears who don't know yet that they are cowards. And then that tramp has the nerve to say it to me. If I ever see her again... well... okay. I won't say that.

I am finally ready to take the advice of the people around me who ACTUALLY care and told me the greatest revenge is finding a man who adores me the Right way and be ridiculously happy. So that's what I plan on doing. Finally leaving him behind. Because he has what he deserves. And anything else he gets is what God delivers because it's not my place anymore.

He is my past and I have a bright future ahead. I can't even cry about it anymore. All nerves named "Mike" are all dead.

I am sure I will go through times ahead where those nerves regain life and I stumble... but he will never cause me to break again. Never cause me to fall.

I put this as my status and I'll put it here cause it holds true:

Somewhere in between all the mind games, lies, and seduction, i fell for you. Somewhere in between all the broken promises, manipulation, and heart aches i got over you. But i guess i fibbed a few times too; remember all those times i swore i needed you? well consider them lies, because babe, here i am without you, and i survived.

I did survive. Just like he did. He moved on and it's my turn. My turn to be happy and leave him behind.

I actually watched "The Bachelorette" for the first time yesterday, and while I was watching it it hit me... there are 24 (normally 25, but Bentley is a dickwad) men on this one show that got picked out of thousands to find love. That are Looking for love. These are well rounded, successful, good looking men! And they are looking for the same thing I am! Amazing! Mike isn't the only guy out there. Never was the one for me and I knew that. And there is somebody out there for me who wants what I want. Strives for love and goodness and God! It was an eye-opener for sure. That out there in this world, there are good men who still exists. And MAYBE one of them will want me. haha. Hopefully.

Hopefully they won't be scared off by my two boys, and will take the time to get to know them. My hope is that whoever loves me, loves my boys because they are an extention of me, and then as he gets to know them, loves them for who they are individually. Because they are SUCH amazing little boys. So wonderful, so happy, so full of life! Little boys who do need a Daddy.

I know my faults.. most of them I admit... others I don't outrightly claim... ;-) But whatever. lol. My Mom says I'll never find a husband because I scare men off too quickly because I am to blunt and outspoken and men don't like that... well.. I don't know how to fix it. I got married the first time because I didn't speak up about what I wanted... I will never do that again and not speak up.

I feel like whoever loves me will love my good and bad qualities. Beause that is what makes me Me. Know what I mean?

My Dad says that people are like tools, if you are with the wrong person, you can jam two pieces together to make it fixt but they will never run together smoothly. You will either have to wear one piece out so much that it finally fits, but then you have stripped that tool of everything that makes it what it is and eventually the pieces will stop turning together completely (like a screw you've turned too fast with a philips and eventually the screw is stripped and you can no longer turn it at all). Or you can try over and over to jam two pieces together that don't fit (like a flat head screw and a philips screwdriver), and end up frustrated because the two tools will never work together as one.

And then, one day... you find that perfect tool to fit that perfect piece, and they just fit together smoothly and turn in unison. Sometimes tools aren't made perfect and you have to wear pieces off each tool to make them run together, but if both pieces can be molded together, then they can work together to make it a lasting relationship.

I hope that all made sense. My Dad.. genius that he is, tried to tell me years ago that Mike and I were two tools that didn't fit and one day, one of both of the tools would break if we kept trying to make it work. And he was right. We both broke. But before we broke, we made one perfect little person that made the break so worth it, and for that I will never regret what we had. He may not love Griffin, but Griffin is loved by his Mommy so much, and his brother, and his Papa and Gramma and Aunts, Uncles and cousins.... he has no idea he is missing out on anything. And he's not, because obviously, god never intended for Mike to be Griffins Daddy. His biological donor, yes.. but never his Daddy.. And one day, both of my boys will have a Dad to love them and take care of them just as God intended.

I am so glad I am here in this space and time right now. I am so happy I made it to this point in my life, in myself, and in my journey to a better and brighter life ahead of me.

Thank God for all the wonderful people He has instilled in my life to help me get here.