How many heartbreaks does it take...

Before you are able to say goodbye. That is a number I've been searching for, for a very long time.. but I think I finally reached it.

One can take only so many ignored texts and calls.. one can take only so many lies and stabs in the chest.. before you finally bleed out all the love you ever held in your heart for that person and there's nothing left to feel.

I have hit a wall a few times where I thought I was done.. I thought it was over and I actually.. stupidly.. managed to get over that wall and try again. Try again. Why did I keep trying. How many hits before I really said I was done. I was done waiting. Done wanting. Done wishing. Done remembering.

I've finally hit my number. I finally reached it and I am burnt out. I don't even want to know any more answers, I can't ask anymore questions. I have none left. He killed everything we ever shared with silence. And his tramp killed the rest with harrassment. Lies. Maybe truth, but probably lies.

I guess calling my beloved child the biggest mistake he's ever made... that was my number. If only he said it to my face so I could ram my knee into his balls. But no. Cowards do what cowards do and they bitch in silence to wanting ears who don't know yet that they are cowards. And then that tramp has the nerve to say it to me. If I ever see her again... well... okay. I won't say that.

I am finally ready to take the advice of the people around me who ACTUALLY care and told me the greatest revenge is finding a man who adores me the Right way and be ridiculously happy. So that's what I plan on doing. Finally leaving him behind. Because he has what he deserves. And anything else he gets is what God delivers because it's not my place anymore.

He is my past and I have a bright future ahead. I can't even cry about it anymore. All nerves named "Mike" are all dead.

I am sure I will go through times ahead where those nerves regain life and I stumble... but he will never cause me to break again. Never cause me to fall.

I put this as my status and I'll put it here cause it holds true:

Somewhere in between all the mind games, lies, and seduction, i fell for you. Somewhere in between all the broken promises, manipulation, and heart aches i got over you. But i guess i fibbed a few times too; remember all those times i swore i needed you? well consider them lies, because babe, here i am without you, and i survived.

I did survive. Just like he did. He moved on and it's my turn. My turn to be happy and leave him behind.

I actually watched "The Bachelorette" for the first time yesterday, and while I was watching it it hit me... there are 24 (normally 25, but Bentley is a dickwad) men on this one show that got picked out of thousands to find love. That are Looking for love. These are well rounded, successful, good looking men! And they are looking for the same thing I am! Amazing! Mike isn't the only guy out there. Never was the one for me and I knew that. And there is somebody out there for me who wants what I want. Strives for love and goodness and God! It was an eye-opener for sure. That out there in this world, there are good men who still exists. And MAYBE one of them will want me. haha. Hopefully.

Hopefully they won't be scared off by my two boys, and will take the time to get to know them. My hope is that whoever loves me, loves my boys because they are an extention of me, and then as he gets to know them, loves them for who they are individually. Because they are SUCH amazing little boys. So wonderful, so happy, so full of life! Little boys who do need a Daddy.

I know my faults.. most of them I admit... others I don't outrightly claim... ;-) But whatever. lol. My Mom says I'll never find a husband because I scare men off too quickly because I am to blunt and outspoken and men don't like that... well.. I don't know how to fix it. I got married the first time because I didn't speak up about what I wanted... I will never do that again and not speak up.

I feel like whoever loves me will love my good and bad qualities. Beause that is what makes me Me. Know what I mean?

My Dad says that people are like tools, if you are with the wrong person, you can jam two pieces together to make it fixt but they will never run together smoothly. You will either have to wear one piece out so much that it finally fits, but then you have stripped that tool of everything that makes it what it is and eventually the pieces will stop turning together completely (like a screw you've turned too fast with a philips and eventually the screw is stripped and you can no longer turn it at all). Or you can try over and over to jam two pieces together that don't fit (like a flat head screw and a philips screwdriver), and end up frustrated because the two tools will never work together as one.

And then, one day... you find that perfect tool to fit that perfect piece, and they just fit together smoothly and turn in unison. Sometimes tools aren't made perfect and you have to wear pieces off each tool to make them run together, but if both pieces can be molded together, then they can work together to make it a lasting relationship.

I hope that all made sense. My Dad.. genius that he is, tried to tell me years ago that Mike and I were two tools that didn't fit and one day, one of both of the tools would break if we kept trying to make it work. And he was right. We both broke. But before we broke, we made one perfect little person that made the break so worth it, and for that I will never regret what we had. He may not love Griffin, but Griffin is loved by his Mommy so much, and his brother, and his Papa and Gramma and Aunts, Uncles and cousins.... he has no idea he is missing out on anything. And he's not, because obviously, god never intended for Mike to be Griffins Daddy. His biological donor, yes.. but never his Daddy.. And one day, both of my boys will have a Dad to love them and take care of them just as God intended.

I am so glad I am here in this space and time right now. I am so happy I made it to this point in my life, in myself, and in my journey to a better and brighter life ahead of me.

Thank God for all the wonderful people He has instilled in my life to help me get here.