Not exactly how I planned...

Today did not exactly run out as I had envisioned it. Being a parent, not necessarily as single parent, but just one in general, you envision tender... bonding moments with your children. You know, like those commercials... Front row seats: $75... Souvenirs: $50... Catching that ball for my son...: Priceless... You all know you've watched and thought... that's going to be me one day...

Today was NOT that day...

Day starts early for Griffin.. up at 6:20am... I almost thought I was delusional to see that time on the clock.. must be wrong... but No. It was that unGodly hour in the summertime. So we get up. He seems bright and cheery... illusion...

By 7:30.. he's is CRANKY. Already ready to go back to bed... this goes on for hours... I have so many things to do today that I want to accomplish so I can enjoy some alone time with my boys. I even think I can make in some park time... Well.. then I am on dinner duty and so I have to already cut the day short before it even begins, but its alright, I haven't done dinner in a while.

Griffin and I get in the shower, trying to cut time and get clean, I tell Riley he needs to get up and get ready too. It's almost 11am and it's getting late. We are finally ready and set out. We stop by Starbucks, get some treats, head over to the bank, make deposits, but my patience level has already dropped 25 pts because I feel rushed. Riley is at the "Mom-Mom-Mom-Mom"... each Mom hitting a higher octave.. I'm on the phone... I turned around.. "WHAT..." I hate being short, but how many times do I have to say.. drop interrupt a phone call. If I don't answer after the 2nd Mom... I must be doing something so PLEASE give me a MOMENT. He's 7, not 3... he is capable of understanding. He then says, "Get me a lollipop!" (we are at the bank and they give lollipops)... okay I say. She gives me 2 red lollipops... I give him the red and then accuses me of not giving him a blue one.. I don't have a blue one! and it's back and forth again... he's arguing with me... Patience drops another 15 pts.

We finally make it out of there and head to the college to get my transcripts. He is fighting with me with every step. "my legs hurt" "i don't wanna walk" he is really being lazy, his legs don't hurt... but he lays down in the hallway at the registrars office... So. Embarrassing... "Riley.. GET.UP.NOW!"... in that Mom-whispering-scream tone that says MOVE YOUR BUTT NOW. Sigh... Patience is dwindling here. We get out of there... and I'm about to skip the movie entirely, I have a bad ominous feeling coming on..

We get to the movie, I buy popcorn, drink and corn dogs... such a waste. Get into the movie, Riley settles in and is GREAT during the movie... but of course now it's the others turn to be a nightmare... Griffin screamed for 2 hours. There was literally MAYBE 15 minutes the whole time, that he didn't scream. He was over tired, the theater is too loud and he would not sleep. Patience... GONE.

I am varying between being understanding to impatience to irritation to understanding.. I am trying REALLY hard not to get upset, but I am so embarrassed he is screaming as though I am hurting him and I am just holding him.. he wants to just run around the theater freely. He is yawning between screams and I am missing my bonding moment with Riley and Griffin, watching the movie as a family. Griffin is still too young, but I thought he might sleep so that I could hold him and sit with Riley and enjoy it together.

I am mostly disappointed... and sad. I can't be irritated with Griffin because he's just a baby, he doesn't understand. And he needs love and tenderness.... and SLEEP. haha. He really needed sleep, and Mommy is exhausted too. But Riley DID enjoy the movie, so that was worth it.

We head over to HACC and drop off my transcripts, and Riley is kinda being bratty again, saying he doesn't want to get out of the car, he doesn't want to walk, he doesn't want to go in there, sigh... it won't take that long.. and then we're going home.

We're done in 15 minutes and are now on our way home. Griffin is Zombie-like cause he's so tired. We get in and all I can think is how much i need coffee cause I'm about to drop. Griffin won't let me put him down. So I make the coffee and lay down on the couch with him so he'll fall asleep. He does.. but then so do i. We napped for about 45 minutes and then I get up cause I have to start dinner. He wakes up and SCREAMS the whole time I'm trying to prepare it. About 5-8 minutes til I get it on the stove to boil. I pick him up and calm him down, get him back to sleep and sit on the couch with him for an hour so he can sleep, he won't let me put him down.

It's these kinds of days where you feel the pressure of being a single parent. You have no one to ask to take the kids for an hour so I can re-collect myself. Or even 10 minutes to get a better attitude.

Griffin went to bed around 6:30... but didn't sleep until 8.. And I laid with him the whole time. Riley was at my nephews baseball game, and so I got the chance to just lay with him and let him go to sleep. He was so tired, but he still fought it hard. But when he finally sleeps... it is bliss.

I got to go to the store with my sister, Kristal, and pick up some things. Thank God for giving me my parents who are wonderful and allow me to go do things when my kids are sleeping.. really.. it's awesome. I don't like to leave them when they are awake, I feel too guilty.

And now I'm home, drinking tea tonight, and having a little time to myself to answer some emails and write this blog and get out my day... getting it out helps me to start fresh the next day.

I write these blogs to give a real, down to earth view of my life as a Mom. It's not always pretty and I don't smooth out the rough edges.

I'm not perfect, but I try the best I can for my kids. I slip up, I yell, I regret, and I apologize.. Sometimes, giving your kids the respect they deserve as little people, helps them be more human, and not expect their Moms and Dads to be perfect too. It helps bond you, I think.

Today I am thankful I was able to take my boys to the movies. I am grateful my boys are healthy and happy and that they love me and they know how much I love them, no matter what. I am so thankful for my family, who help me and support me in everything I do whenever they can. God has blessed me in so many ways.

Really.. what more could I ask for? What more can I expect. I can only hope someday, God will give me the opportunity to share all the love I have to offer with a man worthy of me and that I am worthy of. But life now, I am content to be.

My sister asked me yesterday if I even wanted a guy, and my answer is ....Yes.. of course I want a man in my life. But I am also OK right now. I am in a good place and I am not desperate for love. I am heading in a good direction and I have goals to attain.. and that doesn't include a husband. I realize that a husband is not a goal to achieve... it's a gift. An addition to my life, not someone to fill the void.

I am so thankful God is molding me into who I am and who I will become, because as a person.. I am happy in who I am and who I will always be. And I will always strive to be better tomorrow than who I am today.