Is today my day too..?

Today is Father's Day... I have both of my boys full time. Jason, my son Riley's father, sees Riley maybe 4 times a year. This year Riley actually stayed with him Memorial Day weekend, which was interesting, but I am learning to let go and allow Riley to spend more time with his father. I don't know how many of you know this, but my relationship with his father during our marriage was very abusive. For two years we were married and 98% of the time was miserable, painful, and very scary. So it took me a long time to trust Jason at all around Riley. But through the past 6 years, Jason has changed. He isn't the man he was when we were married, he's become responsible and loving towards our son, and I know he loves Riley very much. So I am giving him the opportunity to be his Dad and spend time with him. But this is still all very new to all of us. So for the past 7 years of Riley's life, I raised him. And for that time, I have been both Mom and Dad to Riley as best I could.

As for Griffin, he is only 16 months old right now, and his father is probably at his parents house right now, getting ready for a Father's day lunch like they do every year. He is probably with his tramp and celebrating Father's Day with his Dad, who was always a loving Dad to him his whole life. Mike is adopted and was raised by doting parents. And yet... he is no daddy to his son. I wonder today if he is thinking of Griffin. Thinking of the fact that he is a Father. I wonder if he blames me, in some sick and twisted way that is the farthest thing from the truth of the situation, that he's not with Griffin today, celebrating this day as his father. It's his own choices that led him here, I may have pushed him away during my pregnancy, but he could've been there for his child. So I'm a little sad today.

So it hit me today.. is today my day too? Because I have been both Mommy and Daddy to my boys for their whole lives? I don't expect a card or present, but should I take some pride today in the fact that I have done my best to be everything to my kids. Fill in where their father's have left a void.

I do give Jason some credit for trying this past year to be sort of there for Riley and ask about him, whereas the full year prior we heard or saw nothing of him at all. But not too much credit because he still isn't giving Riley what he needs in a Daddy.

It seems odd, I guess, to say I need a Daddy for my kids, cause it sounds like it's all I am looking for, someone to fill those bottomless shoes, but it's not.

I need a man for me, a loving and affection husband, and someone I can love and be affectionate towards. I need a man in our lives that wants to take care of our needs, not just financial, although, I can take care of that myself, but emotional needs. That wants to be a support system and a family. Where we can lean on each other.

I have a lot of love left to give. And my boys have so much to offer. I guess I just know deep in my heart that we need something more. That we could make it without it, we would be fine if I never found someone who wanted to be there, it would be okay. But I know that we want someone there... and we hope that there's someone out there that wants to be here with us too.

So... Happy Father's Day to all the great Daddy's out there that are supportive and loving to their children and their wives, or baby momma's... And to all the Mommy's out there that are filling the void our children's sperm donor's have left befind.