Haunted..

Is it wrong to say you are haunted by someone who is still alive? That no matter where you go or what you do, they are never far from your mind.. And I won't say far from my heart.. because a big part of me feels as though my heart doesn't feel anything at all. But my mind.. it won't let me forget. It won't allow me to heal. It won't let me let go.

I have written a few blogs about the trouble I've had with my feelings for Mike. Not just as Griffin's father.. but just from our history. I just feel so haunted. I can't help but hurt myself over and over again by just doing simple things... like listening to music. Watching a movie. It seems as though every little thing reminds me of him.. and reminds me how much pain he's caused me.

These are by no means *warm and fluffy* feelings. They are nails and thorns. Every time I take a step in any direction, I am stepping on a thorn of memories that is causing me pain. Reminding how much he doesn't care about me and Griffin.

Last week I went to the mall and met my friend Michelle there with the kids. We went into a few stores, they were having all these big sales, and I bought way too much stuff. Towards the end of the visit, we went in Victoria's Secret, and I know I have no one to buy sexy lingerie for. So Michelle says to buy it for myself.. well, that is even more depressing. So I pick up a couple of things, and we head to our own homes. So I am already a little down because everything in there is a pretty pink and I know Mike loves pink on me.

So I am driving home, and I have my cd The Script playing, and many songs on there remind me of him and I and this whole tragic situation, and so I am almost home, gettting off the fwy, and I turn it off. I don't want to think of him. And then the song by Adele, "Rolling in the Deep" comes on, and if any of you know this song, you'll know why it reminds me of him. And as a painful memory of him rejects me comes in my mind.. I seee him.. across the street, turning the same way I am onto Lincoln Hwy. Going in the direction of my house and his parents house... I am not naive enough to hope he was going to my house. But I am one car behind him.

It's Saturday, and he should be with his tramp. But he's not. He's alone. Going to his parents house. I am finally directly behind him, and he doesn't even glance in the direction of my neighborhood, which he passes... and I turn in. This hurts.

I am just getting better. I am just feeling better. And now this. Why did I have to see him? Why didn't I drive slower or faster and miss him completely!? Why did we have to be at that intersection at the EXACT SAME TIME??

Why. Why does this still hurt me. And then I wonder.. Did he see me? Did he know it was me? Does it hurt him too.

I want this to stop. I want this to let me go. I don't know why it doesn't. I don't know why I can't heal.

I don't know anything anymore.