And now it has begun...

Yesterday marked the first official day that life became so much more busy... hectic.. insane... someone please refrain me from pulling all my hair out!

So last week I changed Griffin's life completely by giving him his own room and moving all my stuff into the guest room.. I gotta say, he does love his room. Loves having all his toys in there, loves have the rocking chair.. he loves it all. Except. One. Thing....

His bed. That bed to him now represents a gas chamber. He looks at that bed and then immediately looks at me with *the lip*... And that is the saddest lip I have every seen in my life. I swear he really does think he's a death trap. A torture chamber. The moment when Mommy stop loving Griffin. <--- that is what his face says. No joke.

So for 3 days we tried to make it work.. It didn't. The 3rd night I broke. I broke and brought him into bed with me, I just couldn't take the screaming any longer and neither could my parents. It was 3am and he was not going to stop. That was Wednesday. Now, on Wednesday, something happened that day that could've been what made that night so awful. Griffin got a dum-dum lollipop at the Hair Cuttery that day when Riley got his haircut. We were on our way to the Library and Griffin had finished his lollipop and was sticking the little stick in his ear. I was about to park and take it away when I hit a speed bump.. little did I know, that speed bump would cause him to jam that stick into his ear.. and he would let out a blood-curdling cry for 10 minutes. Now, I have never dealt with an ear injury before, so I figured if it wasn't immediately bleeding.. no harm-no foul, right? Wrong. Wrongwrongwrong.

We go about the day, he didn't take a nap that day because he refused to sleep in his crib and learned to climb out of it.. And so that night by bedtime, he was cranky. So we went through our whole routine, and he fell asleep during story time. I go to lay him down, say "night-night" and make my exit... No way. He's up and out of the crib... screaming... before I even reach the door.

This was a horrific night. Absolutely awful. So by 3am.. I am exhausted. He has been asleep for maybe 4 hours. We are supposed to leave the next morning for a mini-vacay to Ocean City, MD.

Next morning, he wakes around 7:30am. I get him up and almost immediately notice he has dried blood in his ear canal... *insert Mommy freak out emotion here*... I call the Dr.'s office and get the emergency doc and he says he needs to be seem by his physician asap...

Have I mentioned Griffin has a tendency to need immediate medical attention on the morning of EVERY VACATION?? Yes we are noticing a pattern here...

So I make an appt and take him him... Doc. Kristin (whom we LOOOVE and we see everytime we are in there) says he has a possible busted ear drum, definite trauma to his inner ear canal, a blood clot in his ear canal, and a forming scab, and then might need to see a ENT (ear,nose,throat spec.) ..... My heart just.. drops.. all because of a lollipop.. He could have permanent hearing loss/damage and needs to be put on antibiotics to prevent possible infection because now his inner ear is an open wound. OhEmGee.

So I tell her we are about to leave for the beach in like 2 hours. What do I do.. she says as long as I keep him from getting his ear wet and/or sand in it... all should be okay and we can come back in a week to check it out again.. Alright... so I head out to get the prescription and necessities and then go to get Riley.

Griffin is being really good, actually.. doesn't much act like anything is wrong, except for the occasional ear pull or crankiness. I take Riley up to his Dad's for the weekend, head back get Griffin adn we are on our way to OCMD. Griffin slept WONDERFULLY the whole trip, in the car, at the condo, on the way home.. it wasn't until we got home that we started having sleeping issues again.

So...let's just say things haven't been going that well. I am so stressed and worried and I just am not coping well..

Since we got home from the beach.. Griffin will not sleep in his crib. He refuses to go to sleep until I do and then sleeps in this state of paranoia, waking up and looking like a deer in headlights every time I possibly move away from him.. heaven forbid to get up to go down stairs.. try and write a blog or prepare for school.. do my homework maybe get some laundry done... or God No.. Have a Moment to myself. Since we've been home.. this is the first span of time I have had where Griffin is sleeping. I have spent 3-4 hours, every night, trying my damnedest to get him to sleep in his own bed so I can get some work/homework/cleaning/shower/anything at all.. done.

I honestly do not believe my emotional/mental state is holding up well at this point. Not that it helps that Riley has football four nights this week and I started school.

I wanted so badly to be able to feel as though I had some control over this week. To feel some sense of calm starting school again. But right now I feel overwhelmed. Stressed. And in need of a routine. A pattern of life I can semi rely upon and that be the only thing I need to think about. Working, School, Riley's school, therapy and sports, Griffins eating, sleeping, bathing schedule. I am in such need of a routine. Making sure I give everybody, including myself, time with just me so that we can all thrive.

Having a child like Riley who is so up and down all the time, is really difficult. Never knowing what mood you will be met with, what attitude you will receive, or what problem some parent/teacher/neighbor/child/family member will have with him on a day by day basis is really really hard. And Knowing he lies about almost everything and never wants to help and always has something to complain about... Being a Mom to Riley is a full time job within itself. If I could give him 150% of my time and attention... I still wonder if that would be enough... or if he would just want more and more and more and think it is still never enough... I can never do enough for him. And it's hard. I am so hoping this year of 2nd grade is different. That I will be able to learn more and cope better and be ready for the punches when somebody has something to say about what Riley did today.

Today was his 2nd day of football... he already doesn't want to go back. "It's not like I thought it would be" "I don't want to practice" "I don't like throwing and catching the ball"... I used my last $40 to pay for football that he SO wanted to do... and now.. now he doesn't want to play and there's still 14 practices left and 6ish games... Great. I didn't even WANT him in sports this year because I am JUST starting school. Night school. And Griffin is a terror to take to games and practices. It's not fun, not enjoyable. It would be different if my kid actually wanted to be there, but he doesn't. No matter how much he wanted to play.. he now doesn't want to be there. And so now I'm forcing both of my kids to be at these things and it is just frustrating to me.

This is so hard. I am so overwhelmed. I just want my kid to do something and love to do it and for once NOT always have soemthing negative to say.

Ugh.. this turned into a rant.. I could go on forever, though. I am so lost as to how to parent Riley the right way.. I try so hard to get him to be more active or play nice with other kids or stop lying or do something good... but he resists everything I say, do or try. I am not good enough for my kid. I am not the right Mother for him. I feel like that much is obvious. He should've been born to someone who understands him. Cause I don't. And obviously, I don't know how to Mother him the way he needs. And nothing I do is the right thing.

But I keep trying.. I keep trying different things and trying to learn different methods.. talk to his therapists and teachers and go over and over this behavior that won't change. Why doesn't anything work. Why can't I make him happy without just buying him the world. Why can't I make my own kid happy...

I don't know ... I just don't.

Today I am thankful my kids are healthy. I just wish I knew how to make them happy.

Day 3... This is a Nightmare...

Someone... please put me out of my misery.. this is a nightmare. I guess now I know why I didn't do this so long ago... I can hardly take the screaming. He is so stubborn. And today he learned how to climb out of his crib. I don't know what to do. I put him beach in and 30 seconds later, he climbs right back out!! What the heck, Griffin!! So I didn't even get to leave the bedroom today, I didn't know what to do with him.

We had gone through the whole routine, and as soon as he knew bedtime was coming, he whined and whined as if I was about to inflict the worst amounts of torture. I let him fall asleep nursing, hoping I would somehow be able to get him to sleep. No go. He's the lightest sleeper ever. And he is so exhausted.

Like I said, I didn't even make it out of the room this time for more than a few minutes before he was out of the crib, and knocking on the door. "Mommy! Mommy!" ... My poor sweet boy. I put him back in his crib and laid him down, and he's already climbing out before I can get to the door. We go through this a dozen times. Finally I try and read him another story and hope he'll lay down in his crib and go to sleep. I start "Horton Hears a Whoo"... He never ever lays down. Becomes quiet, yes.. but that's it. I get half way through the book and realize he is never going to lay down and sleep.

So I put the book down, lay him down again and start singing his favorite song. He is screaming, but as soon as I start, "Take me out to the ball game.." He calms right down and his eyes start to droop. I am thinking I am in the clear and he'll be out shortly... Not. A. Chance. As soon as I stop singing or move away from the crib.. he starts again. Wakes back up and is screaming.

This is torture for us both. It would be so easy to just take him to my bed, nurse him to sleep and then go about my night and finish what I've needed too for 2 days. I am going to the beach tomorrow and taking Riley up to his Dad's. I hadn't even started packing yet.

This goes on for hours. I put him to bed... started at least.. at 7:30pm. It is now 10 pm, and he just stopped screaming 10 minutes ago. I left him in his room, and he climbed out of his crib and laid at the door screaming and saying "Mommy" for 20 minutes.. I, as a Mom.. was out of patience juice. I knew he was safe, he's just be falling asleep on the floor until I turn his bed back into a toddler bed tomorrow. Although I'm unsure as to how I will get the door open.

I stayed in his room for 2 hours tonight.. trying to get him to stay asleep. Rocking him sometimes, singing to him others, just holding him.. but every single time I went to lay him down or open the door to leave after he'd finally fallen asleep... he would wake right back up.

Finally I had to get out of there. He has to learn. Has to learn that THAT is his room now, and that is is his and that Mommy can't put him to sleep the rest of his life. Mommy has to start school and I need to know he is okay. Right now I fear how he will be.

Now, although it was awful listening to him cry and not go to sleep even though he is so tired.. I did see my boy make a friend tonight with his Scout puppy. I sat outside his bed and as long as I was there, he was happy, and he laid there and played with this stuffed dog really for the first time. It would say "Hi Griffin" and he would say "Hi" back and he hugged it and cuddled it and turned on the music, and then he gave that puppy a kiss and made the puppy kiss him back on the cheek... it was the most precious thing. He made a friend with it and I got to see it. I love him so much.

So although this has been really difficult, I think we are both getting stronger and growing in this. I just hope he learns a little quicker, and realize Mommy is not trying to torture him, just that he needs to go to sleep in his bed.

Today, I am thankful I have my boys to love and hug and teach new things.. Having them apart of my life has made my life worth living. Even though parenting has it's challenges... in the end, they are so worth the rewards you receive.

First night apart.. And onto Day 2...

Well last night was the first night since Griffin was born that he didn't sleep with me in my bed. I knew I would have to break him eventually, so on the day he turned 18 months is the day we made it happen... it was bittersweet because although I had missed having my queen to myself... I missed that little body sleeping soundly beside me.. I did not miss his feet in my face though.. he's a wiggle worm all night long. :)

I finally went to sleep at midnight, and at 12:30am, Griffin woke up the first time. I went in, picked him up, Rocked and nursed him back to sleep... but as I got up to lay him down, he awoke again.. so I just kept going and laid him down.. I know he is tired. He cried for a few minutes, but settled down and went to sleep. He did wake up at 4:30am and fussed but went back to sleep, and then again at 6am. At that point, I went in, got him and brought him back to bed with me. Maybe not the best move, but I felt he'd had enough change and needed a little Mommy cuddle time. He went back to sleep and slept til 7:30am.

He was in a great mood all day, and since yesterday went so well, I decided to go ahead and make his nap time a little earlier, he was yawning, so I knew he was tired. I nursed and rocked him til he was about asleep and laid him down, kissed him and said, "Okay, night-night" turned the music on and left the room.

Well.. today has not gone at all like yesterday. I did exactly the same thing, but this time, he was not having it. I went in there after 5 minutes, then 10 more, then 15 more and then 20 and then 20 again.. totalling about an hour and 10 minutes... he would not settle down. So I just got him up and forgot about the nap, he would be tired tonight and would go to sleep.

Well he was getting very, Very tired at dinner time, and his head was wobbly and he started falling asleep. So I hurried up and fed him, I had to give him a bath earlier, so I just skipped the bath tonight, got his pj's on, brushed his teeth and we sat down for story time. He fell asleep during the story, and then woke when it was over. I nursed him for about 10 minutes, and he fell asleep again. I went to get up and lay him down, but he woke up. So I laid him down anyway.. this is now where the screaming starts.

I've gone in after 5 minutes. No soothing him this time.. he won't have it. I've gone in after 10 more minutes... still.. he just wants out. I know this boy is tired! He's so tired. I wish my boy would sleep. I have 2 minutes until the timer goes off again, and I will try again to soothe him. This is so heartbreaking.. I was so proud of him yesterday, I wish he would just go to sleep, he would feel so much better.

Praying for a better night and a soon sound asleep baby boy.. <3

Giving my baby his own room...

Today Griffin is 18 months old. I can't believe he is half way through his second year of life. So.. everybody has always told me I should have started him sleeping by himself months and months ago.. well I just couldn't.. I don't know if it was because he's my baby or what.. but I just felt so bad. And now, it's to the point where he is too big for this, and he needs to learn to sleep in his own bed.... and now in his own room!

So today, my Mom and I worked really hard and took down the guest bedroom bed, and then my bed and moved it into the guest bedroom, and put Griffin's crib side back up like a regular crib and changed it into his room. We moved all the toys up to his room and and the rocking chair, so we can have story time before bed time. And then some soft classical music..

Tonight is the first time we are trying it. I have a timer on my phone to alert me.. I'll go in at 10 minutes, lay him down, say *night-night I love you* and then leave. Then if he's still crying, I'll go in 15 minutes after that.. and then 20.. and so on until he learns to sleep. And I won't be in the same room anymore either, so it's big changes for Griffin... I hope he adjusts okay. I really do, it breaks my heart to hear him cry, but I think he's old enough to understand what I'm doing... he just doesn't like it. If I ever have more children, I will definitely start this much earlier.

Riley is also starting a new routine tonight, same one as Griffin's, kinda. Griffin's bedtime is now at 730pm every night, and Riley's will be at 830pm, this gives me a chance to hang out with him, give him a bath, read him a story and put him to bed. It's really important, I've learned now with having two children, that you give them equal amounts of your time. Especially your older child. They crave that attention and love much more than your younger children do right now. I think it's a feeling of being replaced or something that leads to this feeling for them.

It's really important to me, since everything starts in a week, to get the boys on a schedule. When we eat, sleep, bathe. Getting them on that schedule will make everyone's life so much easier and happier, I think. No surprises, no deviations. I am so excited about this.
So far, Griffin is doing really well.. I laid him down 15 minutes ago, and I've gone in once, but I may not have needed too because he was rolling around. But I laid him down gave him a kiss and said night night. It's so hard leaving, but I know this is so good for him. And in a few minutes, I'm going to get Riley ready for bed.. and this is going to be a great routine.. For everyone, because kids need structure just as much as parents do.

Today I am so thankful my Mom helped me put these rooms together and with laundry and getting things put away... I never could've done it all without her.. I love my Mom :)

Becoming a Nursing Student...

I don't know if I have really conveyed how EXCITED I am to become a Nursing Student. I feel like I am finally doing something for ME. And a real something for my Boys. I know that salary shouldn't be a main goal in achieving this career, and it isn't everything.. but it is a lot. I know that as a registered Nurse, I will finally be able to support my boys with no question. I really don't know why I didn't do this years ago... what was I thinking?? Obviously, I wasn't. I thought I could get by with whatever job I did and everything would be fine. Well it's not. Living paycheck to paycheck.. really not having the financial backing to support us independently. I did start college classes a few years ago.. I was majoring in business, and I wanted to own my own coffee shop/art studio somewhere on the beach. But when I found out I was pregnant with Griffin... well, things changed.. as they always do with a new child. I knew that majoring in business would not be a good idea with a new baby. So I dropped out. I didn't really know what I wanted to do or what I could do for at least a few years.

So.. I started Nannying. And that was the perfect thing for me to do while Griffin was a baby. I really didn't want to be away from him at all. So doing that helped me prepare myself and figure out what I should do with my life, and how it would effect the boys' lives. Now.. something I have figured out is that just because you make enough to support yourself and your bills... it's not enough for people to approve you for a car or apartment or house or loan or anything... And I cannot tell you how frustrating that is.

I have been wanting to get out on my own since I had to move back in with my parents 4 years ago. But it's never worked out. I probably could've worked it out with a assistant managing job i had 4 years ago.. but I just didn't know how to manage my life or my finances back then. I made the money I need to make now... but I worked 40+ hours a week ($30,000/year) but the drive was 45 minutes each way, 5 days a week... and so although it was the perfect job to attain what I needed... I was away from Riley 55 hours a week. And for all you parents... you know how much that is to be away from your toddler. Plus there was some drama going on at the workplace because I worked over teenagers.. no fun. No offense.

So I quit that job and went back to work as a waitress. And as a waitress you DO make good money. But unless you claim every penny... it's still not good enough.. and as a waitress, some of you know, you don't want to claim all your tips... and I didn't when I should have. But I was young and wasn't looking so much into the future.. just looking forward to the shopping trip I could make that weekend. Shopping is so much more fun than a renters bills.

So here I am, 26 years old, two kids and just now starting the journey to a career. But I really don't think I could've done it before. I think I had to go through the disappointment of not making enough and not being able to do what you needed.. and being stuck in a place I don't want to be as a adult.

So my excitement for becoming a Nurse is palpable. I want to get it finished as quickly as possible... and do WELL. I know I said before that I want to succeed, and I do. More than anything. So I figure this blog will become a lot of about everything in my life.. and now as a Nursing Student, classes, getting jobs and all the while being the best Mom I can be.

Let the journey begin :)

I am so thankful for everything in my life right now. It's a good place to start over.

The hectic world that will soon be my life...

I haven't really known what to write about lately.. as much as I believe this week is going by slow.. life seems to be speeding past me. Today I am taking Griffin to get his 18 months pictures taken.. a year and a half... how did that happen? Where has the time gone? So many people, in and out of our lives. So many things changing. Riley is 7 and starting flag football in 2 weeks, and then 2nd grade... that's just weird. And Then I'm starting school in two weeks.. I'm going to be a Nurse. Really.. I'm actually doing something productive and withstanding for our lives. And the most immediate thing is it's going to take a few years to accomplish.. but it's going to take care of us.

I want so badly to be successful. To ace every course and be a great student. And be on the Dean's list. I really want to succeed and do something I can be proud of and my parents can be proud of. I really just want to be able to take care of my kids and not ever have to worry again about when the child support is coming in and revolve my life around how much money there is and what bills need to be paid and what's left to get stuff for the boys. I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck. I want to take the boys on vacation. And have the money to do whatever they want.

Life is about to get crazy.. I'm not even sure what days we'll have free except maybe Fridays. Monday-Friday Riley has school and I have Theo. Monday through Wednesday I have night school and sometime I have to do my online class. Tuesday and Thursday Riley will have football practice and games on Saturday/Sundays.. And every Thursday, Riley still has Therapy from 5-6pm. And somewhere in there Griffin will need to be potty trained and get into his own room so he can learn to sleep in his bed... And somewhere in there, I am going to make a night to just spend with the boys... and one day in there there (at least a few hours)... I'm going to make sure I have time for myself... So Mommy doesn't go insane. :) and hopefully we'll get the basement finished and the boys and I will get into our space.. maybe by Christmas.. if it's finished.. we'll get a puppy.

It's going to be crazy. Next semester, I'll be taking another three classes and summertime, probably two classes, every summer. And next Fall, I need to up it to 4-5 classes. The most important thing is that I do well in my classes and I get them done as quickly as possible. I have to get 72 credits before I graduate. It seems like so many, but I know once I get more into school, some of them are worth 4 credits instead of 3.. so that cuts down on it..

I am so ready for this. I am 26 and I am going to graduate and have a profession before I'm 30. There are no ifs ands or buts about it.

Today, I am so grateful I am strong. So thankful I am willing and able to fight for what I want and achieve it. I am so happy I am the type of Mother that I can raise my sons to be strong, because I am and I am their example.

It's August already..

I just can't believe it. This year is flying by faster than any other year, it feels. Today marks the day 2 years ago that Mike and I broke up, and tomorrow marks the day a year ago that he saw Griffin for the first time.. and also the day he turned his back on him and walked away. And also the day I met Mike 5 years ago. August seems to always be a big month. It was the month, 6 years ago, that I left my husband and made the move to Pennsylvania with Riley at 15 months old.

This year is different though.. this year Riley is starting the 2nd grade and I am starting Nursing school. Griffin will be 18 months old (i can't believe we're here already).. and I finally feel as though I am moving on from Mike and my past with him. That I've let it go.

Last week, and my last blog, I wrote about how I didn't think I could let go. And now, sitting here, I feel like that was the last bit of string that was holding me. That writing that laid it all out there and I was able to see through myself and cut off what I was holding onto.. and I'm able to let go. It doesn't hurt anymore. And I finally feel as though I can move on. Not that this is the end of that road.. just that I am finally walking away and I've stopped looking back.

So, this past Thursday I went out with Peter. We went and saw Crazy, Stupid, Love with Steve Carell. And it was really fun. Great movie, btw, but going with him was a great move for me. It was comfortable and we are able to laugh together and at each other. Of course there's a nervousness, being the first date and all.. but after a few moments, it just kinda melted away.

After the movie, my boys were still awake, so I went home and put them to bed, made sure they were tucked in for the night and Peter and I went for a walk around the block. It was a little chilly and I didn't bring a jacket, so we walked close and talked. He teased me about taking him to some dark alley and just laughed together. The night was really clear, and where I live you can really see the stars.. and they were really putting on a show that night, cause it was beautiful. And I thought, this is how it's supposed to be. Comfortable, talking and laughing, and just enjoying the other person.

It wasn't ever like that with Mike. It wasn't ever that comfortable, or that happy and I start to wonder what I ever saw in him. Sure we were playful sometimes, but we were too different.

So when the date was over, I go into my house and I just smile. Cause it was just a good time. The way it's supposed to feel. Completely different than dates with Mike. I know what Peter is thinking and I know he was enjoying my company just as much as I was with him. I know you're not supposed to compare, everybody is different and fits together a different way.. but I can't help but compare and feel like I came out on the greener side of fence. Because my future can be full of laughter and joy... and all of the pain and uncertainty and lack of trust for someone in my past... is just where that's going to stay.. in my past. I wasn't sure before that if I would be able to move on and really let go of my past, but now I know there are people out there that fit me better than he did, that there's someone out there for me. It may be Peter, it may not be Peter.. but at least there's evidence of someone who's single and that makes me laugh.. and that is definitely something to smile about.

Today I'm thankful for a new day. A brighter future ahead of me. And a reason, other than my children, to look forward to tomorrow, and stop looking over my shoulder to what I've left behind.