And now it has begun...

Yesterday marked the first official day that life became so much more busy... hectic.. insane... someone please refrain me from pulling all my hair out!

So last week I changed Griffin's life completely by giving him his own room and moving all my stuff into the guest room.. I gotta say, he does love his room. Loves having all his toys in there, loves have the rocking chair.. he loves it all. Except. One. Thing....

His bed. That bed to him now represents a gas chamber. He looks at that bed and then immediately looks at me with *the lip*... And that is the saddest lip I have every seen in my life. I swear he really does think he's a death trap. A torture chamber. The moment when Mommy stop loving Griffin. <--- that is what his face says. No joke.

So for 3 days we tried to make it work.. It didn't. The 3rd night I broke. I broke and brought him into bed with me, I just couldn't take the screaming any longer and neither could my parents. It was 3am and he was not going to stop. That was Wednesday. Now, on Wednesday, something happened that day that could've been what made that night so awful. Griffin got a dum-dum lollipop at the Hair Cuttery that day when Riley got his haircut. We were on our way to the Library and Griffin had finished his lollipop and was sticking the little stick in his ear. I was about to park and take it away when I hit a speed bump.. little did I know, that speed bump would cause him to jam that stick into his ear.. and he would let out a blood-curdling cry for 10 minutes. Now, I have never dealt with an ear injury before, so I figured if it wasn't immediately bleeding.. no harm-no foul, right? Wrong. Wrongwrongwrong.

We go about the day, he didn't take a nap that day because he refused to sleep in his crib and learned to climb out of it.. And so that night by bedtime, he was cranky. So we went through our whole routine, and he fell asleep during story time. I go to lay him down, say "night-night" and make my exit... No way. He's up and out of the crib... screaming... before I even reach the door.

This was a horrific night. Absolutely awful. So by 3am.. I am exhausted. He has been asleep for maybe 4 hours. We are supposed to leave the next morning for a mini-vacay to Ocean City, MD.

Next morning, he wakes around 7:30am. I get him up and almost immediately notice he has dried blood in his ear canal... *insert Mommy freak out emotion here*... I call the Dr.'s office and get the emergency doc and he says he needs to be seem by his physician asap...

Have I mentioned Griffin has a tendency to need immediate medical attention on the morning of EVERY VACATION?? Yes we are noticing a pattern here...

So I make an appt and take him him... Doc. Kristin (whom we LOOOVE and we see everytime we are in there) says he has a possible busted ear drum, definite trauma to his inner ear canal, a blood clot in his ear canal, and a forming scab, and then might need to see a ENT (ear,nose,throat spec.) ..... My heart just.. drops.. all because of a lollipop.. He could have permanent hearing loss/damage and needs to be put on antibiotics to prevent possible infection because now his inner ear is an open wound. OhEmGee.

So I tell her we are about to leave for the beach in like 2 hours. What do I do.. she says as long as I keep him from getting his ear wet and/or sand in it... all should be okay and we can come back in a week to check it out again.. Alright... so I head out to get the prescription and necessities and then go to get Riley.

Griffin is being really good, actually.. doesn't much act like anything is wrong, except for the occasional ear pull or crankiness. I take Riley up to his Dad's for the weekend, head back get Griffin adn we are on our way to OCMD. Griffin slept WONDERFULLY the whole trip, in the car, at the condo, on the way home.. it wasn't until we got home that we started having sleeping issues again.

So...let's just say things haven't been going that well. I am so stressed and worried and I just am not coping well..

Since we got home from the beach.. Griffin will not sleep in his crib. He refuses to go to sleep until I do and then sleeps in this state of paranoia, waking up and looking like a deer in headlights every time I possibly move away from him.. heaven forbid to get up to go down stairs.. try and write a blog or prepare for school.. do my homework maybe get some laundry done... or God No.. Have a Moment to myself. Since we've been home.. this is the first span of time I have had where Griffin is sleeping. I have spent 3-4 hours, every night, trying my damnedest to get him to sleep in his own bed so I can get some work/homework/cleaning/shower/anything at all.. done.

I honestly do not believe my emotional/mental state is holding up well at this point. Not that it helps that Riley has football four nights this week and I started school.

I wanted so badly to be able to feel as though I had some control over this week. To feel some sense of calm starting school again. But right now I feel overwhelmed. Stressed. And in need of a routine. A pattern of life I can semi rely upon and that be the only thing I need to think about. Working, School, Riley's school, therapy and sports, Griffins eating, sleeping, bathing schedule. I am in such need of a routine. Making sure I give everybody, including myself, time with just me so that we can all thrive.

Having a child like Riley who is so up and down all the time, is really difficult. Never knowing what mood you will be met with, what attitude you will receive, or what problem some parent/teacher/neighbor/child/family member will have with him on a day by day basis is really really hard. And Knowing he lies about almost everything and never wants to help and always has something to complain about... Being a Mom to Riley is a full time job within itself. If I could give him 150% of my time and attention... I still wonder if that would be enough... or if he would just want more and more and more and think it is still never enough... I can never do enough for him. And it's hard. I am so hoping this year of 2nd grade is different. That I will be able to learn more and cope better and be ready for the punches when somebody has something to say about what Riley did today.

Today was his 2nd day of football... he already doesn't want to go back. "It's not like I thought it would be" "I don't want to practice" "I don't like throwing and catching the ball"... I used my last $40 to pay for football that he SO wanted to do... and now.. now he doesn't want to play and there's still 14 practices left and 6ish games... Great. I didn't even WANT him in sports this year because I am JUST starting school. Night school. And Griffin is a terror to take to games and practices. It's not fun, not enjoyable. It would be different if my kid actually wanted to be there, but he doesn't. No matter how much he wanted to play.. he now doesn't want to be there. And so now I'm forcing both of my kids to be at these things and it is just frustrating to me.

This is so hard. I am so overwhelmed. I just want my kid to do something and love to do it and for once NOT always have soemthing negative to say.

Ugh.. this turned into a rant.. I could go on forever, though. I am so lost as to how to parent Riley the right way.. I try so hard to get him to be more active or play nice with other kids or stop lying or do something good... but he resists everything I say, do or try. I am not good enough for my kid. I am not the right Mother for him. I feel like that much is obvious. He should've been born to someone who understands him. Cause I don't. And obviously, I don't know how to Mother him the way he needs. And nothing I do is the right thing.

But I keep trying.. I keep trying different things and trying to learn different methods.. talk to his therapists and teachers and go over and over this behavior that won't change. Why doesn't anything work. Why can't I make him happy without just buying him the world. Why can't I make my own kid happy...

I don't know ... I just don't.

Today I am thankful my kids are healthy. I just wish I knew how to make them happy.