Losing Steam...

For almost two years.. I was go go go.. Getting my life together, getting things paid off, Getting an apartment... And I feel like I'm running out of steam..

I know when I blog, I kinda seems like either I'm really high or really low or I'm just all over the place... well that's kinda how it's been. I try try try (yes I say everything in three's for emphasis ;) ) .. I get things done, I get them accomplished and I hit a wall ... like for an apt or a house. It took me a long time to get a newerish car, yes. It took a while to get my debt paid off. Everything takes time. But I just feel like for some reason things are just not working out.

I'm trying to trust in God and keep my chin up and keep going. One step at a time. Just keep moving, Bethany. It'll be worth it, you'll see.. Things will change, you'll see. Eventually if you keep going and not settling for less than you want, you'll get there. But I just feel like everything is boiling over. Tears, emotion, at the stupidest thing, I just can't hold anything in anymore.

I spent the last 20 months missing someone who did me wrong. Who abandoned his child. Who was with someone else! And why?? Because I'm lonely? Because I'm tired of being alone? Because I felt like being with him, who at least treated me well was better than being alone? Because, Because, Because. There is no good answer here. He loves me, he loves me not, he still did not do the right thing by anyone but himself. He doesn't have Gof. He doesn't know what real love is. He never would've been what my boys and I needed him to be.

But it still hurts. Hurts so bad I just can't stand it sometimes and I just want to be swallowed into a hole so deep I'll never come out. Probably not the best thing to admit, but at times it just over takes me and I just want to shut out the world. Most of the time lately, I turn down anything anyone asks me to do because I just don't want to leave the house. It's nothing against them, it's me and me not wanting to have to get dressed or have to smile or have to do anything but be depressed. And the gym? Yea... I'd rather eat a chocolate cake. I just can't make myself want to do anything.

I've been better since the last time I saw Mike, I finally got closure, I finally saw that tramp he's with, who btw, is really mean and old looking, yuck. And I finally felt better. And for the last month, I HAVE felt better, and gotten out and WANTED to do stuff. But it takes time. To heal, to come back, to get out of the black hole and see sunshine again. I just keep telling myself I have to keep moving forward, because God has a better plan. His plan is always better than mine. I just have to trust him more than myself.

So I make plans. Plans keep me going. Goals keep me walking. Walking where? I don't know. I don't know what the future holds. I just know it has to be better than what I walked away from. But when.. that's the big question. When will I find someone for me. When will my little family be out on our own. When will my boys have a Daddy. I know in my heart we are a complete little family all on our own, and we don't Need a man in our lives... but it would be nice.

I need to build myself up again. I need to keep going. I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, because one day we will be out on our own, we will be independent. And someday I have to hope God has someone wonderful planned for me out there... somewhere... someday...

God is just preparing him for us, just as He is preparing us for him. I have to keep believing that.