I won't say what the dreams were, but I will say how hurt they left me. I struggle with the reasons Griffin's father and I aren't together. I struggle with the why it happened. Whose fault it was. When did we really hit bottom and shatter. What went wrong. And how can he be with someone else and not want to be with us.
So many questions, and even fewer answers... nothing that can make up to a real reason. I know I'm not the only one. I know I'm not the first single Mom, first woman to be left. First woman to be betrayed by a man she believed loved her. But I really did think we were different. That he was different.
He wasn't perfect. He wasn't Prince Charming. But he was mine. And we shared a connection. And that connection was broken by .... what. I don't know. Maybe everything falls apart eventually, and I just wasn't ready for the outcome of this one. I wasn't fully aware that he was capable of being with someone else because he said he loved me and I thought... I believed he would come back around. I believed he wanted to be there for his son and it was my fault he wasn't. It took me over a year to realize...
It wasn't my fault.
That revelation was heartbreaking. I guess you would think it should have made me feel better. I could rid myself of the guilt. I could be honest with myself and realize that it didn't matter HOW hard I pushed him away... if he wanted to be there, it WOULD be there. It all came down to one thing.
He didn't want to be there. He didn't want the responsibility of a child. He didn't want to be a Daddy. He said so many times he wanted us to be a *family*. I thought that meant he wanted to be with us. But it just meant... he wanted the picture perfect life of being a *family*... and if he couldn't have that picture of what a *family* is in his mind... then it was broken, and he wanted no part of it. He wanted The Waltons... and I was more of a Gilmore Girl. See Lorelei? That's me.. only with boys. I fall in love, I get scared.. run off and sleep with the wrong boy and mess everything up. I didn't do that with him, necessarily, but that was my MO... And I'm pretty sure he hated Gilmore Girls..
Anyways.. I'll leave out all the gorey details. But he was given a 2nd chance. A chance to be a Daddy to his son and have me and be a family like he always wanted. He didn't take it. Said he was too afraid of getting hurt again. Oh please. I'm the single Mom with two kids and he's been sleeping with another woman for over a year and HE'S the one who got hurt? Right.
So I have bad dreams. Maybe it's how I cope. For the last month I have been shutting off my mind during the day whenever I think of him and been doing other things... but I can't escape him at night. I can't escape my dreams.
I don't know where I was going with this. I don't know where to end it, I just know getting it out helps.
Last thoughts of him:
The man I loved before is now and forever no more.
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