A little Tired.. A little Stressed..

Well, it's been a couple of weeks since I wrote a blog, and it feels like my life is literally on hyper speed. Where are my days going?? I have no idea. All I know is that it's going by fast. Already it's going to be summer and already riley's first grade year is over and already Griffin is going to be a year and a half.. where did it all go?


The last 2 years of my life have changed me so much. I grew up! Finally, my parents would say haha. When I had Riley, my life was drastically different then when I had Griffin. I was 18 and I had no idea what the world was like. I had no idea what it was like to be a Mother and yet, here I am, 7 years later. It feels like a completely different universe.


Almost 2 years ago exactly, I found out I was pregnant with Griffin. Many people that have known me for the last 6 years, have heard me say how much I wanted another baby. I did not want Riley to be an only child, and if I got pregnant... I would be happy. Well I wasn't. I lived with the thought I would be happy for 4 years BEFORE getting pregnant. And when it actually happened.. I was devastated. I had just started college for the first time, Riley was going to be starting Kindergarten, I was Just About to be child free during the day so I could work a REAL job. Well.... apparently God had other plans.


I wrote a journal entry the month I found out and asked, "God, if I Must be pregnant.. let it be a girl... please... and if you really love me... let it be a blonde hair blue eyed baby... ". And then I found out he was a boy... and I cried. But I started a new prayer, and I prayed it everynight. If i must be pregnant and it he must be a boy, please give him blonde hair and blue eyes. Laughable now, considering God DID infact hear me and grant my small prayer :)

I grew more and more excited over that baby everyday I was pregnant. I was scared, yes. I was unsure of my life, yes. But I LOVED that baby more than I thought possible to love a second child. Riley was my first love, and my love was re-newed with Griffin double time. Being older and more sure of myself and who I am enabled you as a person to fully be prepared for parenthood. And fully be able to expand your mind and heart to a child.

So, I go a few months, adjusting to this news and my life is a HUGE Question mark now.


Up until this point I. Had. A. Plan. A really Solid plan. And then.. I had Nothing.


Things with Griffins father fell apart quickly at the seems. Nothing was as it seemed, and I was a expanding box of hormones. He never quite understood that. So.. we fell apart. And I had to make a new plan.


New Plan A: get a new car with a/c, pay off debt, get our own place.


I don't really have a Plan B. But now here I am, Plan A 2/3 done... and now I have new debt. Which is relatively easy to pay off... but we need a place.. our Own place to live.. and it feels like that dream is fading away for the time being.. and i dont know how to make it work. Everything is so expensive!


How do people do it? Is it because they have husbands? Or baby daddys that actually care for their kids? What is your secret? Maybe its the sacrifice of working a real job vs. working for part-time pay to stay home. I have worked full time, and I sacrificed my time with Riley and we have both suffered for it... and are still suffering. And I can't do that with Griffin. Riley needs more than a typical child and therefore needs as much one-on-one time as possible. And with his Mom, not just anybody. Focused attention.. thats what the therapist calls it.


So I'm tired... and I'm stressed. I don't how we will ever make it on our own.