What happens when you're the one who can't let go...

I am just that type of person, the one who can't let go.. unless I'm the one who said goodbye. And I wasn't. I don't know why these past weeks have been rough for me. Could it just be a the emotional time of month and so they are all built up to watch me fall? I wish I could stop thinking about it. I stopped talking about it. Why bother, right?

Why bother talking about something you can't change. Why bother thinking about someone you can't change. Who doesn't want to change. Who doesn't want you anymore. Just let it go.. but when does it let go of me.

Maybe it's different for me because I had his child. It's not a normal break up, it wasn't a normal relationship. But after 2 years... TWO YEARS.. I still look for him. I still long for him. I still miss him. I wonder if he thinks of me too. Misses me too.

He said he did. Said he missed me everyday. Wanted me everyday. But somehow having a child with me was the worst mistake of his life? Really? Or was it just that I, while pregnant and hormonal, broke your heart because you wouldn't stop playing poker. Because you wouldn't go to church with me. Because you wouldn't declare to me that you wanted to change for me. For the baby.

I know all the reasons that I left. I know all of the reasons I didn't crawl back to you. I know every single logical, sane and excellent reason why I stayed away from you.

So why doesn't that change how I feel. Why doesn't it make just hate you. I want to hate you. It would make everything so much easier. What's stopping me? I don't know.

You know, when I look at Griffin, and I see little bits of you in him.. sometimes I can't even pinpoint what they are, it's just like a reminder that you are a part of him. Sometimes, it's been so long that I am starting to forget what you looked like when you smiled. Cause the last few times I saw you.. you definitely weren't happy to see me. You're eyes looked so sad. So tortured. Not angry, though. And considering the way I was yelling at you and that tramp... I expected to see anger. I was angry. I was hurt. But I didn't. I saw pain.

I keep thinking back.. seeing each and every way I should've done things differently. I should've swallowed my anger. My hurt. My pain. Never shown you an ounce of feeling. Like you did to me. I should've never texted you all those times and tried to remind you of way back when.. way back when we were happy. A lifetime ago. I think it only hardened you more.

That song "Cold as you" by Taylor Swift... reminds me of you. Many songs remind me of you.

So what happens when you're the one who can't let go. When you know you deserve better. You know you can do better and find someone who will treat you like you should be treated. But will I always be looking over my shoulder. Will I always look for that bright red Jeep Cherokee, trying to see if it's you? Will I be compelled to drive by your house when I'm close by to see if your home.. or if tramp is there. (yes I'm that ex gf lol)

I'm scared I will never let you go. That you will never be far from my mind. That I will be married and moved away and I will still wonder where you are. What your doing and who you are with. Will it ever go away.

I still wonder how we got here. To this place where I have our child and you are sending me checks in the mail. You said your feelings for me would never fade. You said few words that mean so much. I wish I didn't feel so much.

I wish he didn't resemble you so much, to me. I love him so much. I wonder sometimes if I love him so much because of how much I loved you. And I wonder if I will ever be able to let that go so that I can truly move on. And stop seeing him as ours. Stop seeing you in him.

I know that I can date. I know it's possible for me to go out with someone. Enjoy their company. But I don't know if I have the capability to really feel for anyone. The walls are up so high, that I don't want to feel. I think that is how you feel too. After being with her for a year, you still felt nothing for her. I am afraid I would be that way too with anyone new. Could I ever really love someone again AND let go of you... That I don't know.

I wish I knew all the answers. I wish I didn't still hurt. I wish it hadn't been 2 years already and I still feel like it's only been a few weeks. So much time has passed. So much has changed. You made so many choices I can never forgive. I wish I could forgive you. But I feel that if I did and tried to fix things, I would never respect myself again. I could never look myself in the face.

You made the wrong choices. You did the irreparable damage. You walked away. I didn't. I still had two feet in the door waiting for you to show up at my door. I had the baby.. you were supposed to come crawling back this time. I texted you. I asked you to come see the baby. Fro months. You ignored me. You started seeing someone new. You did that. Not me. You cannot blame me. You chose this life.. and we both have to deal with the aftermath of that.

I just wish things could've been different. Different in the way that we can't even share the life of the one we created together.. created with a love for each other that still surpasses time and distance.

Things should have been different.