Frustration..

My day today started at 1:14am, when I realized I had laid down with Griffin to put him to bed at 8pm the previous evening, and am waking up, fully dressed and not sure what happened, who put Riley to bed, and how it is 1:14am. Sigh.. I hate it when this happens.

I look for my phone, for I was in the middle of a text convo when I fell asleep around 8:45pm, I'm guessing. I can't find it. I can't find my glasses, I am totally disoriented. And with my moving around the bed, Griffin is now waking up, very upset. Sigh. So I work on getting him back to sleep, look for my phone, finally found it. I have several missed calls and texts... Sigh..

Griffin gets to sleep, I finally get out of bed and check on Riley. He's asleep, I know my parents have put him to bed, I just don't know why nobody woke me up. Riley is asleep, and I quietly make it over to my clothes and get my pjs on. I feel stiff and grumpy.

I crawl back into bed, call him back, I know he's still awake. And I in turn fall back asleep within a few minutes. Dreaming instantly and mumbling something about *spiders*. Sigh. Sometimes I wish I didn't fall asleep so quickly.

7am comes too soon, I feel like I've had no sleep at all, even though it's been around 11 hours. Griffin and Riley are still sleeping, I get up to make coffee around 7:30. Griffin wakes a few minutes later.

I haven't written a blog in a week, and I've thought about it many times, but one thing about writing blogs where you know certain people read them.. you can't talk about certain things, so it's better to wait until the anger, irritation and regret pass enough before you start writing again.

This day started out frustrating and it still is. There's been ketchup on white shirts and pencil shavings covering the floor. Too many clothes to put away and not enough energy to clean the rest of the mess covering the house. And the sound of brothers fighting over EVERYTHING filling every morsel of air in the house. But the day must continue..

Somebody trade me places today. My seven year old has a death wish. I promise you he acts worse than a 2 year old 90% of everyday now. I'm praying this is a phase... and it will soon phase out.

Somebody trade me places today.. Anybody? Sigh.

Sorry this is boring. I just try and try and try to connect with my kid and it's not working. My mom and I took the boys bowling yesterday. Riley is a terrible sport. The worst. I try to show him a technique that will keep the ball going straight, and stop swerving... He wants nothing to do with it. He literally starts throwing a tantrum. Who the heck IS this kid?? Cause he's not mine. He's changed. He no longer talks in a regular voice; he whines over EVERYTHING. He throws tantrums. He yells at me or at his brother. He is dramatic to my breaking point. Will not listen to anything.. not even suggestions to help him.

During bowling he tells me he wants skittles from the snack bar. I say, "No, remember we are going to get ice cream after bowling." Riley: "NO! I want skittles!" Me: "Riley, we're getting ice cream, you don't need skittles." I am very calm during this. I have been really working on being on top of him and not just giving in to him. He is not taking to this very well. His attitude goes sour. He no longer wants to bowl. Throws a fit if he gets anything other than a strike. This behavior is Embarrassing.

As a mother.. what do I do. He was supposed to stay at his Dad's this week until Saturday. But every night when I called him, he was crying for me to come and get him. I waited until Tuesday, but I finally get him. He was acting there just how he's been here. Next time, I will not be going to get him.

We go to get ice cream at this place called YoFro Sweets (my new favorite place). I let Riley pick out whatever he wants and we get it. After I was done with mine, they have free samples, so I was trying a couple that I hadn't had before for next time we go. Riley is about 3/4 done with his ice cream. He wants a sample. So I get one for him, no biggie. Now he wants another sample of the same kind, but doesn't want to finish his ice cream I paid $4 for. This. Is. Frustrating. I tell him if he can't finish his own ice cream, he can't have a sample. He is then thirsty. He wants a soda. I say no, we're going home after this, you can get a drink at home. Riley: "I'M THIRSTY! I WANT A DRINK!!!" ... I am about to LOSE IT.

How can one child be so ungrateful. I will admit, I have spoiled him, but I have NOT spoiled him THIS bad. That he would act this way. He never acted this way before.. why is this starting now?

It feels like it never stops. The fight with him never stops. I am never right. He never listens. I can never say something once, it has to be repeated 5 times. Not even the simplest task can be asked without a fight. Put your clothes in the hamper. Make your bed. Take a shower. Get dressed. Clean up after yourself. These are simple enough things. Things he should be learning to do on his own. Things he should already know how to do. But after each request I am met with obstinance. Whiny voice. A child telling me No.

Some days, like today. I just want to put my head in my heads. Why does it have to be so hard. What did I do so wrong that he refuses to listen.

He's not a bad kid. I love him to death. He has a good heart.

As I sit here writing this, Griffin plays with his toys, and Riley.. who just got in trouble for whining and I told him if he wants to act like a toddler he can take a nap like a toddler.. is laying on the couch rattling off a mile long list of what he wants for Christmas... I really feel like this year I should let him wake up to a pile of clothes and socks for Christmas. But I would never do that. This year is going to be tight. I won't be able to give him a grand Christmas.. maybe somehow, between now and then, I can teach him some humility. Some generosity. How though. How at 7 years old can I teach him to respect me, to really understand his own behavior.

To act like the good kid I know he can be.

Today I'm thankful my kids and I are healthy. and that everyday, I can keep trying to connect with my child, and hope that someday, he'll see how hard I tried, and not remember through the colored eyes of a 7 year old child.