Bullying...

Lately on television, there have been numerous programs and movies about bullying. In the last decade, hundreds of children have committed either suicide or murder because of this cruel act.

Last night, I was fbooking with an old friend of mine, talking about a guy I dated when I was 15 and 16 years old. I won't say his name, but I will say he was much older than me, and anybody from my past knows who he is. So I was 15/16 years old and he was 21. He went to my church and was a elder member of my youth group. He was my first *real* boyfriend. First kiss. First guy I ever thought I was *in love* with. Well we dated through my 16th birthday, he said he was in love with me, nobody ever made him feel this way, and he wanted to marry me. <---- this freaked me out.

That summer, I went to Memphis, Tennessee to stay with my sister for a couple of months, and help her husband build a church. It was my first paying job. Being away from him put things into perspective for me, and I realized I wasn't ready for this kind of relationship. So by the end of summer, when I got home, I broke up with him. He was ... really upset. I hadn't ever really broken up with anybody before, I didn't know what to expect. I realized it wouldn't be easy, but felt like he would see it was the best thing also.

Well.. he didn't.

For the next year and a half, he made my life a living nightmare. He made fun of me at every opportunity. Gave me demeaning nicknames like "Bath Water Bethany" or "Bertha" (a name representing someone hideous and over weight). And he used these names everytime I saw him. Especially around other people, to make my humiliation worse. He told my youth pastor many untruths, and made everybody against me with a sour opinion of me. He spread lies. Told jokes at my expense. Made me hate myself.

But whenever he had the opportunity to get me alone, he was always trying to seduce me in some shape or form. Telling me he still loved me. He still thought about me all the time.

This went on for 18 months. End of summer 2001 to Spring 2003. Even my friends partook in his jokes. I couldn't date anybody else in my youth group, because anybody that was new that came in and liked me, he would immediately befriend them and turn them against me too. Eventually I didn't have many friends. And being the only child at home, with two working parents, I spent a lot of time alone.

I believed he did love me. And that all these mean things he did were because I hurt him, but on the inside he still loved me. So this in turn twisted what I thought of love. That is was okay for someone to treat me poorly, as long as they told me they loved me.

One year after I had broken up with him, I started going online into chat rooms. I was seeking someone to talk too. And truthfully, I was very vunerable and very easy prey. I wanted someone to tell me I was pretty. Someone to listen to what I had to say. That is what I found in Jason. My first husband.

Jason did and said everything I thought he should say. I would pray to God that I would find somebody to really love me. I thought that God gave me Jason. He lived in Alabama, he spent money on phone cards to call me. He sent me cards. He was always online waiting for me. I thought I was his life. I thought him spending money on me was equal to having more affection. I was 17. Lonely. Naive.

Jason was very controlling over my thoughts and actions. Even from far away, if he didn't want me to do it, I wouldn't. School dances. Out with friends. Nothing. It was my Senior Year of high school.

The only things I fought him on was Winter Formal, because I had already promised Micah I would go with him. So I wasn't going to break that promise. But I didn't go to Prom. I met Jason the first time in April 2003, I went to Tennessee to visit my sister and he convinced me to lie and meet up with him. So I did. I went back home and was about to finish my Senior Year, turn 18, get my driver's license, and graduate high school. Should've been great.. but I allowed him to control me.

When I was young, my biggest dream was to get married and have babies. To find someone to love me. I had no idea who I was as a person. No idea that I should be dreaming of what I wanted or should do BEFORE getting married and having babies.

One thing I realized last night was that if I had never met that first boyfriend. If he had never treated me so cruelly and at the same time told me how much he loved me.. I never would've been drawn to the Internet to find someone to be nice to me. I never would've expected cruelty to go hand in hand with love. I never would've accepted it from my boyfriends afterwards and then my husband.

The bullying I went through set me up for years of a twisted view of I deserved as a person. My worth as a person.



Without Riley, I don't know where I would be. But I wouldn't be who I am. And even then. I did things for Riley, never for myself.  I didn't start to gain any self worth until he was about 3.

By this time I had met Griffin's father, moved in with him, and was dealt more reasons why I was worth nothing to a man. We lived together for 9 months. He still said he didn't love me. I had given him everything of me that i had, and he still didn't love me. So we broke up.

Up until this time, I never met anybody who really loved me. Never truly felt worthy of love.

.................

I started this blog to show how *bullying* can mess a person up so badly, it sets them up for a lifetime of pain. Losing any morsel of self-worth. Any reason to feel worthy of someone.. Why even go on living.

I get it. Only in my case, I just kept searching. Kept putting myself out there to either be knocked down or built back up.. I had no way of knowing what would happen next. But optimism is what kept me going. And great parents to fall back on.

Some aren't so lucky, they sell themselves for whatever price they are given. They take themselves out of the equation permanently with suicide. Or they take their bullies out with murder, and that's how they feel they are taking the control back.

Today I am thankful for great people I have now in my life that show me I am worthy of love. Mark.. The first person to love me for me.. and not what I could give him or do for him. Michelle who's always been a great friend to me. Sonia who I'm not in contact with anymore, but was a great friend to me. And Kathy, who spent hours upon hours in the last year building me up where I had hit rock bottom. You all mean the world to me.