Little reminders that hurt...

And are forcing me to remember the pain I've been successfully pushing down for the past 7 weeks.

I changed the CD in my car a few days ago. I don't remember why I chose this CD, just that I was tired of commercials on the radio. So, while flipping through my case, 98% of these CD's I've had since I was a teenager, never got rid of any of them. Added a few, more in the last 2 years than in the last 10 years combined. A cd I bought a few months ago is by A Fine Frenzy. A GREAT cd. I really love it. But at the same time I really hate it because it brings back up a lot of feelings I am hoping die. But strangely, I keep listening, as if these feelings are old friends of mine.

One of the songs is Ashes and Wine, and the chorus keeps going through my mind..

"Is there a chance, a fragment of light at the end of the tunnel, a reason to fight. Is there a chance you might change your mind, or are we ashes and wine."

The way she sings it is so beautiful and catchy, I can't help but sing it over and over again. I can't help but wonder if I was weaker, would I be saying these words to him.

Seven weeks ago, I took one last chance to reach out to him. I was almost compelled to do so, as if I couldn't stop myself. In return, I got silence from him. But a mouthful from his tramp.

It wasn't necessarily the words that she said that hurt me. It was the silence from him that followed. He's always done this, for as long as I can remember. He's angry with me, he ignores. He's hurt, he ignores. I Hate being ignored. And so normally, I would've gone to his house and made him listen to me. I did do this a few times since December 2010. But... I have refrained for months. I haven't texted him in almost 2 months. Since she texted me back, said all of those things.. I knew I couldn't put myself through it anymore. I couldn't allow myself to be hit by that train of betrayal.. not even one more time. It seemed to surprise me every single time he ignored me. Every single time he didn't respond.

I even sent *spoof* texts a few times... lies to make him angry and in MY vain hope, get a rise out of him to make him respond. But it never worked. Nothing I did or tried or said worked. But he continued to tell me that he would always love me when he Did say anything. Which was rare. The last text was April 9th.. Said his "feelings for me would never fade, but he needed to do this for himself..." no mention of Griffin. Did he ever feel anything for this sweet child. I will never know.

So this weekend has been a little emotionally hard for me. I've been in my head a lot more. Thinking about the future. Wondering where he would be or I would be a few years from now. How differently our lives may unfold.

It's my hope that I am married to a wonderful man, who is a loving and doting Dad to my kids. I can't count on it, but I am diligently hoping.

I know I should take that CD out of my car... but I feel like maybe it helps to numb the pain. Facing it head on, instead of hiding from it. That is what I have always done. I don't hide. I will never hide from what I feel. I may not always show the other person how I feel, but I am honest with myself. And I try my best to be honest with others.

I will always love him. I will always have a place in my heart that is only his. I can only hope that one day, I can stop seeing his face on my sweet boy. Seeing his face on Griffin is like a stab in the chest knowing he is not there. But I also can't predict the type of father he would have been... and so therefore.. I am kind of grateful.. Because if the last year and a half have shown what his true colors really are... then he would've squashed my sweet boys cheerful spirit. And that would be devastating.

Today, I am so grateful to be able to enjoy Griffin's smile and joy every single day. The joy he brings to me and everybody around him. Griffin has changed me in ways I cannot always express, but feel inside of my heart. And for that alone, I will always be grateful to the one who helped me create him, and God for giving me (and granting me the gift of calling him) my son.