Reflection..

This week has been rough on me as a Mom. I've questioned myself in ways I never have before. Questioned methods and discipline tactics and if I am rewarding too much or too little. You can all probably guess that Riley has been my main issue this week. And so I think Mommy needs a time out.

I have been having problems with Riley because he is 7 years old and pushing his limits in a bad way. You think a 17 month old is bad? Just wait until they have a mind of their own and back talk you to your face. What do you do? Automatic reaction: Slap the part that's disobeying; his mouth. But I can't do that.

One thing I have always down with Riley that I may or may not do with Griffin, is try to talk to him on his level, instead of talking down to him. This may or may not have been a good idea. Because the down side is that Riley thinks he is a little adult, and tends to not think the rules apply to him.

Because I was 18 when I had him, I grew with him. I don't even think I was really my own person until I was around 20-21 years old. And so for Riley, that meant he had a Mom that wasn't really a *Mom* yet. And so by the time I finally started really acting like his Mom, it was too late and he already had bad learned behaviors from me. In allowing him to act like a little adult, rather than allowing him to really be a child. That is a hard line to follow, but like with Griffin, I am raising him totally different. And coming at Riley like this, so late in the game, just isn't working. But I'm still trying.

So, in essence, being Riley's Mom is a lot more difficult than being Griffin's Mom. Riley went through the time of me working a lot and not being around a lot, and I didn't really see the problem with that until I got pregnant with Griffin and I didn't want to miss anything. But when Riley was just older than Griffin now, I started working 2 full time jobs and he went into daycare. And I allowed my parents to pick up the slack of parenting so I could work. And that was wrong. I did this for awhile, and then I moved into an apartment for us, and it continued. And then my boyfriend moved into the apartment with us.. And my focus shifted. So I worked, had a boyfriend, and Riley ended up coming last. I didn't do this on purpose, but that is the way it happened, and I didn't start rectifying this mistake until Mike and I broke up and I started seeing the value of my child. I lost my apt by this time, my job, and my car. It took a little bit longer, though, to really start to change for me. And during this time, Riley was getting older and seeing that he wasn't Mom's #1, and it hurt our relationship. The good thing was that our foundation was still there, from before I moved in with my parents and got a job. Because up until then, Riley was everything to me.

I'm not sure when I started to Really change, exactly, but I think it was around the time Riley was 3-4. It is amazing how much damage can be done between a child and his parent at this young of an age. Riley felt abandoned by his father who was never around, and his Mom who was either always working or always with her boyfriend. This is actually really difficult for me to write, seeing all the mistakes I made with him in clear view, hurts me so much. But I did start to change, and I believe it was just in time, although the effects of my mistakes are still there. The emotional scars.

So for the last 3 1/2 years, I've been working on making our relationship stronger and making sure he knows how much I love him and I want to be there for him. This in turn is difficult in being his Mom, because I don't want to cause more damage by making him mad at me by disciplining him. and it also makes me want to buy him whatever he wants in order make him happy. <--- Mistake. This is a big mistake, many many many parents make. I have learned that children NEED rules and discipline and structure in Order to be happy! It's an amazing concept, and some people don't believe it, but it really is the truth. Too many rules with little fun is not good, and finding the balance between these two is increasingly difficult with age.

So I had already started to repair my relationship with Riley, but also bought him a lot of gifts to make up for the bad years (even tho I still bought him stuff during that time too), but I felt like maybe he needed extra encouragement to know how much I loved him. Rebuilding a relationship is hard. Probably one of the most difficult things because you don't have a blank canvas, you have to go back and go over the bad parts and try to change their effect, without being able to erase them.

But I've been trying. For 3.5 years, Riley and I have been working at rebuilding our relationship, and I think it's working. The kid knows I love him, knows he's uber important to me, and that I am and always will be his Mom.



It was hard having a second child, but not for the regular reasons. It was hard because with Griffin I had a blank canvas, and I want to make NONE of the mistakes I did with Riley, but at the same time, working on rebuilding that relationship with Riley with a new baby around, is really hard. Mostly, because he doesn't want to let me in.

So here I am, working everyday harder at being Riley's and Griffin's Mom. You are never the same Mom to all your children, which is a difficult concept, but your children all have different needs. I am 26 now, and if I could've started having children at this age instead of at 18, everything would've been different. I often have wished I could've had Riley at a later age, because for his sake, I would've been a million times better Mom for him and would've been able to give him everything he needed emotionally. But I didn't, and I can't change when I had him, I can only change every day I am with him, and hope by the end of that day I did something right.

Today I am thankful that I realized my mistakes before it was too late for Riley, and before Griffin was born. I am grateful for the support system I have with my parents, that they can tell me when I am making a mistake, or that I am doing a good job. And mostly, I am thankful for my boys, and how having them has made me into the person I am today. A better person than I ever would've been without their love for me.