Goals..

Goals are a great thing, they are what make life worth striving for to get to the next day. A goal can be something small or big, take an hour or years to attain, it's all about your endurance. Have you set any goals lately? I know I do, everyday there is some kind of new goal. Sometimes as small as taking a shower that day... or making a yearly budget to be firm too.

Right now I have a lot of goals. Some are long term, a few are set for a few weeks.

Goal 1: Get Riley's room organized before tomorrow night.
Goal 2: Grocery shop.
Goal 3: Make 5 dolls by the end of next week and get them up on eBay by the the following week.
Goal 4: Go a whole day without thinking about Mike.
Goal 5: Don't get lower than a B in any of my classes over the next 4 years.

I could do this all day. I have hundreds of goals, everyday, setting a new one to attain.. it's the only way I get myself through this life. There are many goals I fail, everyday.. I fail at something. But I think that's why I set so many, so I can't come down so hard on myself.

I remember in high school, I used to make a calendar on a piece of paper, and I would make it on both sides and put all the things I was looking forward too, so that I could see how many days I had until I reached that special thing. And I would put it in the clear part of my binder so I would see it every time I took it out. And everyday, I would "X" out that day. I still do stuff like that. It's like I need to know EXACTLY how long I have to wait, or else I go crazy.

Somethings I don't get a timeline for. I don't know how long it'll be before this thing happens, so I am waiting in this limbo of uncertainty. And the waiting is hard. Sometimes I make rash decisions, because I'm so tired of waiting for Mr. Right, and I want to be satisfied right now. The last time I made a decision like that, I got Griffin... Yea. I don't make rash decisions anymore. lol.

This month, it's been two years since I have been in a relationship. Two years since I've had any type of intimate relationship with anybody. I made the decision back then then I needed to wait for the right man. That being satisfied right now was not how I wanted to live my life. That was not the example I wanted to set for my sons. And it was not what I wanted for myself.

This was a long term goal that I had no end for. A goal that I wasn't sure was the right decision. I didn't know then, that two years later, I would seemingly be in the exact same spot I started in. That to an untrained eye, it would seem that my life hasn't changed at all. Even to my own eyes, when I am down and feeling desperate, I feel as though I haven't moved. But I have and so many things have changed for me.

I still get that feeling sometimes, desperate for affection, willing to settle for something less than what I am striving for to get a little attention. To feel like a woman again, instead of a mother. Instead of a dried up old maid.

It's hard to believe that I will ever find what I'm looking for. That after two years, there's been no sign of something special. Something worth waiting all that time. I've gone out, here and there, and everybody is great in their own way, but mostly they would be great for someone else, and the connection just isn't there. Just not what I'm looking for.

I wonder if God is really listening, but I know He always is. I know He has my best interests at heart, and when the time is right, I'll know.

In the meantime, I have many goals set to keep me busy. Many goals to attain to hopefully help my heart from feeling so alone. As a mother, I am whole and I am doing everything I can. As a woman, I am still void. Still searching for what makes me complete. I am good on my own, don't think I am feeling as though a man would complete me. But the addition it would make to my life, would make everything worth while.

So that is a goal that is still going, may go on for much longer, but I am hoping everyday, I catch God in the right mood and he's feeling generous that day and will drop him on my doorstep.. hopefully with a sign.. "I AM YOUR SOUL MATE, MARRY ME." ... that would be ideal.. ;) haha

Until then, I have other goals to attend too. Other things to accomplish, that will hopefully make me appealing to SOMEBODY haha.

I am not a woman with baggage, I am a whole package. This is something I feel I need to remind myself of. Something I think somee men need to be reminded of. I have two amazing children... not two balls on chains that will drag you down into the depths of the ocean. I am a strong person because I have to be, and to some, that is off putting. I don't mean it to be, but I have to protect myself and my kids.

Today, I am so thankful to know my worth as a person, as a woman, as a future wife to not settle for something less than I deserve. I am thankful to be able to resist the temptation of immediate satisfaction in allowing myself to be used for the wrong reasons, or use somebody else for the wrong reasons.