Accomplished...

The last couple of days, I've gotten a lot done. I went through all of my financial information, every single paper that has my name on it or one of the boys, and organized, got rid of or put away every last piece. I did this with EVERYTHING I own that is not in the basement. All of my stuff, the boys toys and clothes, shoes, bathrooms... I cleaned Everything. Whew~! I am tired.. but I feel GREAT!

I was telling my Mom today that I feel like I am wiping away all the black clouds I've had hanging over my head. Cleaning up the things I've allowed to become cluttered and ignored. Things I've looked at and let go because I didn't want to deal with it. Depression is a terrible thing. They call it a disease because people feel as though they have no control on it until it becomes too late and it's consumed everything. I'd have to agree with that to a point.

I agree depression takes over your world. I agree that depression can feel overwhelming. I agree that you feel like you have no control over it. But you do. You DO have control, you just have to take it back and claim it. And it's not a "Okay, I'm taking my life back." And that's that. You have to make that decision every single day when you wake up, because otherwise, it gets away from you again, and it takes you back over before you realize it. I've allowed myself to let it control me for a long time.

But I am working on making the choice to live my own life and take back that control. I made it yesterday, I made it today, and I'm going to make it tomorrow. It's true, depression hurts. It hurts you, it hurts your friends and family. And some days, you really can't help but wallow in it. You can't do anything but cry, or be angry, or feel broken. But one day, you'll wake up. Wake up and realize time has gotten away from you. Things have been let go.

Time is a valuable thing. It's all you have to fill up on with your family, friends, work. Time is precious. Too precious to lose.

When you have children, you realize how fast time goes. How quickly it passes and you lose moments or you feel like one moment could last a lifetime. Like the moment you hear your baby's heartbeat for the first time through a sonogram. Or the first time your baby recognizes you and smiles. These moments are precious. Depression takes these moments away.

The past 2 years for me have been big. I have learned so much on how to cherish moments with my kids, and how important it is to take a moment for myself. As a woman, as a mother. I matter too, and if I don't take care of me, no one else will. And if I don't take care of my kids, no one else will. In the end, I am fully responsible for their life. Their well being. And if I don't take care of me, then how can I fully take care of them?

That's why I write blogs, it's my moment to take care and express my thoughts, and a way for me to look back at how far I've come.

I just hope that with every blog I write, I touch someone else. I hope that what I go through and bring myself and my boys through can help someone see that they can do it too.

I have heard friends of mine say.."I'm not as strong as you." My response..."how do you know??" I didn't know I could do something until I did it. I don't know how I get through everyday until I'm on the other side! I am not strong, I'm determined. I'm stubborn. I'm selfish enough that I want to be happy too! Yes, I said it. I'm selfish. I'm willful. I'm stubborn and EVERY bit of IMPERFECTION.

I don't strive to be the perfect Mom. I strive to end each day knowing I did my best, and if I fell short of that, I am humble enough to apologize and try again. Riley can tell you, I apologize when I lose my temper. I talk to my son and I will tell him, I am not perfect. But I will do my best.

Sometimes I shove my opinion down some ones throat. Yes.. I will admit that. I will admit when I am wrong... BUT.. if I believe I am right, you'll know it. And you probably won't like it. BUT I will only tell you what I think if I love you. If I care about your well being.

Anyways. I don't know where I was going with all this. I just wanted to write. Sometimes writing is the best therapy. Cleaning is also great therapy.. we just don't always like it :)

Today I am so thankful for my life. And everything and everyone in it. And that I still have time to wipe away the rest of my little black clouds..