Not exactly how I planned...

Today did not exactly run out as I had envisioned it. Being a parent, not necessarily as single parent, but just one in general, you envision tender... bonding moments with your children. You know, like those commercials... Front row seats: $75... Souvenirs: $50... Catching that ball for my son...: Priceless... You all know you've watched and thought... that's going to be me one day...

Today was NOT that day...

Day starts early for Griffin.. up at 6:20am... I almost thought I was delusional to see that time on the clock.. must be wrong... but No. It was that unGodly hour in the summertime. So we get up. He seems bright and cheery... illusion...

By 7:30.. he's is CRANKY. Already ready to go back to bed... this goes on for hours... I have so many things to do today that I want to accomplish so I can enjoy some alone time with my boys. I even think I can make in some park time... Well.. then I am on dinner duty and so I have to already cut the day short before it even begins, but its alright, I haven't done dinner in a while.

Griffin and I get in the shower, trying to cut time and get clean, I tell Riley he needs to get up and get ready too. It's almost 11am and it's getting late. We are finally ready and set out. We stop by Starbucks, get some treats, head over to the bank, make deposits, but my patience level has already dropped 25 pts because I feel rushed. Riley is at the "Mom-Mom-Mom-Mom"... each Mom hitting a higher octave.. I'm on the phone... I turned around.. "WHAT..." I hate being short, but how many times do I have to say.. drop interrupt a phone call. If I don't answer after the 2nd Mom... I must be doing something so PLEASE give me a MOMENT. He's 7, not 3... he is capable of understanding. He then says, "Get me a lollipop!" (we are at the bank and they give lollipops)... okay I say. She gives me 2 red lollipops... I give him the red and then accuses me of not giving him a blue one.. I don't have a blue one! and it's back and forth again... he's arguing with me... Patience drops another 15 pts.

We finally make it out of there and head to the college to get my transcripts. He is fighting with me with every step. "my legs hurt" "i don't wanna walk" he is really being lazy, his legs don't hurt... but he lays down in the hallway at the registrars office... So. Embarrassing... "Riley.. GET.UP.NOW!"... in that Mom-whispering-scream tone that says MOVE YOUR BUTT NOW. Sigh... Patience is dwindling here. We get out of there... and I'm about to skip the movie entirely, I have a bad ominous feeling coming on..

We get to the movie, I buy popcorn, drink and corn dogs... such a waste. Get into the movie, Riley settles in and is GREAT during the movie... but of course now it's the others turn to be a nightmare... Griffin screamed for 2 hours. There was literally MAYBE 15 minutes the whole time, that he didn't scream. He was over tired, the theater is too loud and he would not sleep. Patience... GONE.

I am varying between being understanding to impatience to irritation to understanding.. I am trying REALLY hard not to get upset, but I am so embarrassed he is screaming as though I am hurting him and I am just holding him.. he wants to just run around the theater freely. He is yawning between screams and I am missing my bonding moment with Riley and Griffin, watching the movie as a family. Griffin is still too young, but I thought he might sleep so that I could hold him and sit with Riley and enjoy it together.

I am mostly disappointed... and sad. I can't be irritated with Griffin because he's just a baby, he doesn't understand. And he needs love and tenderness.... and SLEEP. haha. He really needed sleep, and Mommy is exhausted too. But Riley DID enjoy the movie, so that was worth it.

We head over to HACC and drop off my transcripts, and Riley is kinda being bratty again, saying he doesn't want to get out of the car, he doesn't want to walk, he doesn't want to go in there, sigh... it won't take that long.. and then we're going home.

We're done in 15 minutes and are now on our way home. Griffin is Zombie-like cause he's so tired. We get in and all I can think is how much i need coffee cause I'm about to drop. Griffin won't let me put him down. So I make the coffee and lay down on the couch with him so he'll fall asleep. He does.. but then so do i. We napped for about 45 minutes and then I get up cause I have to start dinner. He wakes up and SCREAMS the whole time I'm trying to prepare it. About 5-8 minutes til I get it on the stove to boil. I pick him up and calm him down, get him back to sleep and sit on the couch with him for an hour so he can sleep, he won't let me put him down.

It's these kinds of days where you feel the pressure of being a single parent. You have no one to ask to take the kids for an hour so I can re-collect myself. Or even 10 minutes to get a better attitude.

Griffin went to bed around 6:30... but didn't sleep until 8.. And I laid with him the whole time. Riley was at my nephews baseball game, and so I got the chance to just lay with him and let him go to sleep. He was so tired, but he still fought it hard. But when he finally sleeps... it is bliss.

I got to go to the store with my sister, Kristal, and pick up some things. Thank God for giving me my parents who are wonderful and allow me to go do things when my kids are sleeping.. really.. it's awesome. I don't like to leave them when they are awake, I feel too guilty.

And now I'm home, drinking tea tonight, and having a little time to myself to answer some emails and write this blog and get out my day... getting it out helps me to start fresh the next day.

I write these blogs to give a real, down to earth view of my life as a Mom. It's not always pretty and I don't smooth out the rough edges.

I'm not perfect, but I try the best I can for my kids. I slip up, I yell, I regret, and I apologize.. Sometimes, giving your kids the respect they deserve as little people, helps them be more human, and not expect their Moms and Dads to be perfect too. It helps bond you, I think.

Today I am thankful I was able to take my boys to the movies. I am grateful my boys are healthy and happy and that they love me and they know how much I love them, no matter what. I am so thankful for my family, who help me and support me in everything I do whenever they can. God has blessed me in so many ways.

Really.. what more could I ask for? What more can I expect. I can only hope someday, God will give me the opportunity to share all the love I have to offer with a man worthy of me and that I am worthy of. But life now, I am content to be.

My sister asked me yesterday if I even wanted a guy, and my answer is ....Yes.. of course I want a man in my life. But I am also OK right now. I am in a good place and I am not desperate for love. I am heading in a good direction and I have goals to attain.. and that doesn't include a husband. I realize that a husband is not a goal to achieve... it's a gift. An addition to my life, not someone to fill the void.

I am so thankful God is molding me into who I am and who I will become, because as a person.. I am happy in who I am and who I will always be. And I will always strive to be better tomorrow than who I am today.

Starting Over...

Well, today I have to go get my transcripts from Millersville sent over to HACC, and take the boys to see Cars 2. My sister, Kristal, is here from Indiana with her kids C.J., Caleb and Kambria, and today they are going with my Mom and my other sister, Jennifer and her kids Mckenna, Lance, Kiley and Madison to Gettysburg, Pa. They have been here for over a week, so it's been busy busy around here :)

Lately I have just been focusing on starting school and starting my life over. Trying to forget the past and just move forward without looking back. Unfortunately, that is insanely difficult. But I am trying really hard. Being a Nursing major is a BIG deal for me, it's a real goal with a name! Something I can say instead of just going to college, I'm going to be a Nurse! :) It makes me really happy to have a real goal.

I can't believe it's almost July.. Where did this year go?? Before I know it, it's going to be Christmas again, and then Griffin's 2nd birthday, and then Riley will be 8, and I will be 27... Those are very big numbers... especially that last one. Twenty-seven. It kinda makes me cringe. I don't like it. I am supposed to be married and moved into my own house by now, and especially by then.. I know it's still 11 months away... but it feels like it's practically right around the corner. But even still, I feel like since I am started school, I cannot even IMAGINE finding my husband and getting married before I finish. It's kind of weird thinking about it.

But in a year, I will be finished with my first year of school, and that much closer to getting my AA, and getting a stable job where I can buy my own house, and never ever need baby daddy money again. And all that money will be for my kids college funds. That's what I want.

Starting now, things will change. I will be adamant about not looking back and asking myself what if. I will be strong in my efforts to focus on school and my kids and looking forward. And I will be ready whenever God decides it's time for me to meet the man he's chosen for me.

I am going to start ending my blogs with what I am thankful for..

I am so thankful today that my kids are happy and healthy. That I didn't crack my head open at my sister's pool, and that Griffin didn't drown. And I am so grateful to be accepted into the Nursing program at HACC, so that I can really begin the next chapter in our lives.

Haunted..

Is it wrong to say you are haunted by someone who is still alive? That no matter where you go or what you do, they are never far from your mind.. And I won't say far from my heart.. because a big part of me feels as though my heart doesn't feel anything at all. But my mind.. it won't let me forget. It won't allow me to heal. It won't let me let go.

I have written a few blogs about the trouble I've had with my feelings for Mike. Not just as Griffin's father.. but just from our history. I just feel so haunted. I can't help but hurt myself over and over again by just doing simple things... like listening to music. Watching a movie. It seems as though every little thing reminds me of him.. and reminds me how much pain he's caused me.

These are by no means *warm and fluffy* feelings. They are nails and thorns. Every time I take a step in any direction, I am stepping on a thorn of memories that is causing me pain. Reminding how much he doesn't care about me and Griffin.

Last week I went to the mall and met my friend Michelle there with the kids. We went into a few stores, they were having all these big sales, and I bought way too much stuff. Towards the end of the visit, we went in Victoria's Secret, and I know I have no one to buy sexy lingerie for. So Michelle says to buy it for myself.. well, that is even more depressing. So I pick up a couple of things, and we head to our own homes. So I am already a little down because everything in there is a pretty pink and I know Mike loves pink on me.

So I am driving home, and I have my cd The Script playing, and many songs on there remind me of him and I and this whole tragic situation, and so I am almost home, gettting off the fwy, and I turn it off. I don't want to think of him. And then the song by Adele, "Rolling in the Deep" comes on, and if any of you know this song, you'll know why it reminds me of him. And as a painful memory of him rejects me comes in my mind.. I seee him.. across the street, turning the same way I am onto Lincoln Hwy. Going in the direction of my house and his parents house... I am not naive enough to hope he was going to my house. But I am one car behind him.

It's Saturday, and he should be with his tramp. But he's not. He's alone. Going to his parents house. I am finally directly behind him, and he doesn't even glance in the direction of my neighborhood, which he passes... and I turn in. This hurts.

I am just getting better. I am just feeling better. And now this. Why did I have to see him? Why didn't I drive slower or faster and miss him completely!? Why did we have to be at that intersection at the EXACT SAME TIME??

Why. Why does this still hurt me. And then I wonder.. Did he see me? Did he know it was me? Does it hurt him too.

I want this to stop. I want this to let me go. I don't know why it doesn't. I don't know why I can't heal.

I don't know anything anymore.

Is today my day too..?

Today is Father's Day... I have both of my boys full time. Jason, my son Riley's father, sees Riley maybe 4 times a year. This year Riley actually stayed with him Memorial Day weekend, which was interesting, but I am learning to let go and allow Riley to spend more time with his father. I don't know how many of you know this, but my relationship with his father during our marriage was very abusive. For two years we were married and 98% of the time was miserable, painful, and very scary. So it took me a long time to trust Jason at all around Riley. But through the past 6 years, Jason has changed. He isn't the man he was when we were married, he's become responsible and loving towards our son, and I know he loves Riley very much. So I am giving him the opportunity to be his Dad and spend time with him. But this is still all very new to all of us. So for the past 7 years of Riley's life, I raised him. And for that time, I have been both Mom and Dad to Riley as best I could.

As for Griffin, he is only 16 months old right now, and his father is probably at his parents house right now, getting ready for a Father's day lunch like they do every year. He is probably with his tramp and celebrating Father's Day with his Dad, who was always a loving Dad to him his whole life. Mike is adopted and was raised by doting parents. And yet... he is no daddy to his son. I wonder today if he is thinking of Griffin. Thinking of the fact that he is a Father. I wonder if he blames me, in some sick and twisted way that is the farthest thing from the truth of the situation, that he's not with Griffin today, celebrating this day as his father. It's his own choices that led him here, I may have pushed him away during my pregnancy, but he could've been there for his child. So I'm a little sad today.

So it hit me today.. is today my day too? Because I have been both Mommy and Daddy to my boys for their whole lives? I don't expect a card or present, but should I take some pride today in the fact that I have done my best to be everything to my kids. Fill in where their father's have left a void.

I do give Jason some credit for trying this past year to be sort of there for Riley and ask about him, whereas the full year prior we heard or saw nothing of him at all. But not too much credit because he still isn't giving Riley what he needs in a Daddy.

It seems odd, I guess, to say I need a Daddy for my kids, cause it sounds like it's all I am looking for, someone to fill those bottomless shoes, but it's not.

I need a man for me, a loving and affection husband, and someone I can love and be affectionate towards. I need a man in our lives that wants to take care of our needs, not just financial, although, I can take care of that myself, but emotional needs. That wants to be a support system and a family. Where we can lean on each other.

I have a lot of love left to give. And my boys have so much to offer. I guess I just know deep in my heart that we need something more. That we could make it without it, we would be fine if I never found someone who wanted to be there, it would be okay. But I know that we want someone there... and we hope that there's someone out there that wants to be here with us too.

So... Happy Father's Day to all the great Daddy's out there that are supportive and loving to their children and their wives, or baby momma's... And to all the Mommy's out there that are filling the void our children's sperm donor's have left befind.

This week should have been skipped entirely...

Let's start that again...

This has probably been the worst week I have had in a long time, and in large part, an all around bad month... and I may never take another vacation...

This week started on Sunday, the 12th of June, and Griffin awoke with a worsening case of losing his voice, my poor little guy could not hit his normal ear piercing pitch, and as much as it hurts my ears, I was missing it because I knew it meant he did not feel well at all.. :( This morning kind of drags on, we got up early, around 7ish am, and so I start finishing up all the things we needed, and then some, for our very first beach trip. This was Griffin's FIRST trip to the beach. I am really excited to get going.

And then he falls... and he cries... and he opens up his mouth really wide and I see them.. little white spots covering the back of his throat... no wonder he was cranky. I start to panic, thinking of the many things this could be, and finish throwing everything in the car, get the boys packed in and head to the hospital. Luckily we get right in and they see him. No fever as of yet, but he's got thrush they said...

This is the beginning of a very long trip. A trip I wish had gone very differently. A trip that turned out to be greatly regretted, not much enjoyed and a true disappointment to both myself and my kids.

I really wanted to enjoy this vacation, I really wanted it to be the start of a wonderful summer. But it wasn't... and if it's any indication of how this summer is going to go, I would rather hide.

Sunday: Trip to ER. Longest drive ever to Ocean City, MD. Crappy weather. Cranky kids.
Monday: Griffin gets a 101 fever, Lethargic, and all around not happy. Terrible time at the beach, barely got  to enjoy it for even a moment. Let down my Riley because he didn't get to ride the pier rides like I promised, and my phone broke.
Tuesday: Completely missed and forgot to cancel my dental appt, 4 hour drive home, 1 hour in a sprint store. Cranky kids. Griffin's fever continues. Got a ghetto phone to use with no numbers.
Wednesday: Cranky kids. Dr's appt, not thrush, diagnosis unknown. Fever finally breaks.
Thursday: I am depressed because of the way this week is going. Cranky Kids. Cranky Momma. Totally forgot and missed Riley's therapy appt. Finally got a replacement phone.
Friday: Totally forgot and missed my WIC appt. Cleaned the house for literally 5 hours straight and feel like I got nothing accomplished. Kids fighting. Cranky and Depressed Momma.

Please let this month get better. It's been nothing but disappointments by the people I counted as friends. By things in my life. By people I depend on. By myself.

I disappointed myself this month because I should've been better with my finances. Yes it's true I just paid off all my debt. But that doesn't give me lee-way to just do retail therapy to make myself feel better. I still have responsibilities. I still have bills to pay. I have to keep it together.

I also found out this month I can't get a house. I can't get an apartment. I can't do anything until I make over $30,000 a year by myself on paper. Great.

So yesterday I applied to college. I have been advised for some time that I should become a nurse. Well, it's been on my mind a lot lately, so I decided to go for it. And this way I could support my boys and not have to worry about child support. I could be independent with them and take care of them and be something they will be proud of.

This is the only thing that is good this week, so far.. I just hope that the curse of this week does not carry over to this as well and I not get accepted or approved for what I have applied for.

Please God, let tomorrow be better. Let next week be 200x better than this week and every week after that. I need it to be better.

I have learned this week that I should learn to take the advice of those who love me, because 9 times of of 10, they've proven to be right.

Today my summer begins..

I usually write my blogs with coffee close at hand, for some reason it always makes me think clearer to have it by me.

Today I am going on vacation. Day 1 of 5 and I am praying diligently it goes smoothly. Already, my friend Jen has had a mishap leading up to this vacation with her car breaking down last night, and that was stressful. What's funny is that I was just thinking yesterday that vacations are supposed to be your break from your stressful life so that you can relax, and yet for some reason, they always end up causes more stress and making you go broke, like me. I can tell you right now I would be no where CLOSE to being broke right now had I not been buying for our beach trip the past 2 weeks. I am very good with money and would've been fine had I not had unfortuneate circumstances... ie: exhusband not paying child support. I have the child 99.8% of the year, please just pay on time so my life can run smoothly.

You what's funny? They tell you when you go to file for child support, that this cannot be a dependent income. You are not supposed to *depend* on this income FOR your dependent. But~! It's supposed to be an income to make up for the other half of income you are lacking, so how can you not depend on it? That's like having both parents working within one family, and someone telling you that you shouldn't depend upon your husband/wife's income and you should just be sufficient on your own. Yea, like THAT ever happens... maybe in a perfect world I guess. But I'm a single mother. Already I am at a disadvantage because I am a woman. I have the children, so I can't just work and work for an income because I also have to Care for the children. But I know if I was a man without the children and I had to pay support, then I would work 2 jobs to make up for that, because he doesn't have the children, he has the time for that... but no man ever does. They just give you the left overs, whereas I still have the children, and no matter what, I have to make sure they are taken care of completely. Maybe that doesn't make sense, maybe it does, but I know I find it odd.

In fact, in this time, I don't see how it's possible for any mother supporting children, under school age, on her own to make it without the help of family. Unless she is working 2 jobs, has child support and puts all her kids in daycare. I am unsure how I will make it without Griffin and Riley being in school fulltime.

So, today I'm gong on vacation, hopefully to get away from the things around here that are stressful. I'm going to try not to worry about my bank account. Try not to fret about next week and just relax.. Well... relax as much as I can while chasing around a toddler and trying to not let him eat too much sand and not walk straight into the ocean ... :)

I love my boys and I am so glad to be able to share this time with them. <3

All the Beautiful things..

As I sit here with my coffee, I am making mental lists of all the things I will need for our trip. We are going to Ocean City, Maryland. This is my first time paying for a hotel room. My first time going on vacation with my boys, and my first vacation to the beach without my family. Lots of firsts for me. And the best first is, this is my first time going on a vacation with a friend, as an adult :) It's a very liberating feeling, having all those things combined. I am very very excited to be doing this with my friend, Jen and her kids. We have both had a rough year and really need this break away from real life.


This morning it was my last day for this school year to watch Theo, and it made me a little sad cause I've seen him grow from a little sleeping baby all the way to a walking, laughing boy! It's very cool to share that time with a child that's not your own. And so today, when his Mom dropped him off we were talking about our weekends, and I'll be celebrating Theo's 1st birthday with them tomorrow and then she said she was going to Ocean City, MD as well next week! And one conversation led to another and she invited me and the boys to stay the rest of the week with her there, instead of going home on Tuesday, so Wow! This will be an awesome vacation :) Lissa is a great person, and getting to know Her better will be a lot of fun.


So this was a great start to an already awesome weekend coming. I have been stressing this week and still stressing a bit because the whole way I've been doing my finances for the 10 months is drastically changing immediately. I am losing 2/3 of my income, and although I don't have 2/3 of the bills i had before, it is still a notable change and I am feeling it. Although everything should have been fine and comfortable, my ex husband, Jason, changed jobs again and didn't tell me and so all of a sudden, 50% of my now income stopped almost 3 weeks ago. I kept hoping it would pick back up and hoping everyday a payment would come in, but alas, it has not. Although he is trying to fix it, it is not fast enough, and I've wiped out my savings trying to keep up with the bills that were already scheduled and changing the ones I could. And not knowing I wasn't going to have this income at all (it comes weekly), I had no idea I needed to curb my spending for my coming up trip. So I am low. Dangerously low, and am really hoping God sees fit to provide some help for myself this next month. I should be okay, but depending upon men who have proven to be undependable is a dangerous game.


So, knowing I would be coming up on a summer of no income for myself, I have been applying to jobs, about a dozen so far in the last month, and I've not received any call backs yet. It's not looking good. I did pay off all my high bills, and I will have enough with what I have, assuring that Jason kicks back in, everything will be smooth this summer and I won't need to get a summer job. All i really need to pay are my car, car ins, and cell phone, and 2 new bills, but low payments until I start working again, so those aren't any big deal.


I guess I'm just rambling about my stressers this week. I know that a few weeks from now, this will be all water under the bridge and everything will be okay again... right? Right.


Now I am just looking forward to my 5 days of blissful-ness at a beautiful beach with my beautiful boys, and getting a beautiful tan... :)


Hello Sunshine... I know you've been waiting for me.... <3

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How many heartbreaks does it take...

Before you are able to say goodbye. That is a number I've been searching for, for a very long time.. but I think I finally reached it.

One can take only so many ignored texts and calls.. one can take only so many lies and stabs in the chest.. before you finally bleed out all the love you ever held in your heart for that person and there's nothing left to feel.

I have hit a wall a few times where I thought I was done.. I thought it was over and I actually.. stupidly.. managed to get over that wall and try again. Try again. Why did I keep trying. How many hits before I really said I was done. I was done waiting. Done wanting. Done wishing. Done remembering.

I've finally hit my number. I finally reached it and I am burnt out. I don't even want to know any more answers, I can't ask anymore questions. I have none left. He killed everything we ever shared with silence. And his tramp killed the rest with harrassment. Lies. Maybe truth, but probably lies.

I guess calling my beloved child the biggest mistake he's ever made... that was my number. If only he said it to my face so I could ram my knee into his balls. But no. Cowards do what cowards do and they bitch in silence to wanting ears who don't know yet that they are cowards. And then that tramp has the nerve to say it to me. If I ever see her again... well... okay. I won't say that.

I am finally ready to take the advice of the people around me who ACTUALLY care and told me the greatest revenge is finding a man who adores me the Right way and be ridiculously happy. So that's what I plan on doing. Finally leaving him behind. Because he has what he deserves. And anything else he gets is what God delivers because it's not my place anymore.

He is my past and I have a bright future ahead. I can't even cry about it anymore. All nerves named "Mike" are all dead.

I am sure I will go through times ahead where those nerves regain life and I stumble... but he will never cause me to break again. Never cause me to fall.

I put this as my status and I'll put it here cause it holds true:

Somewhere in between all the mind games, lies, and seduction, i fell for you. Somewhere in between all the broken promises, manipulation, and heart aches i got over you. But i guess i fibbed a few times too; remember all those times i swore i needed you? well consider them lies, because babe, here i am without you, and i survived.

I did survive. Just like he did. He moved on and it's my turn. My turn to be happy and leave him behind.

I actually watched "The Bachelorette" for the first time yesterday, and while I was watching it it hit me... there are 24 (normally 25, but Bentley is a dickwad) men on this one show that got picked out of thousands to find love. That are Looking for love. These are well rounded, successful, good looking men! And they are looking for the same thing I am! Amazing! Mike isn't the only guy out there. Never was the one for me and I knew that. And there is somebody out there for me who wants what I want. Strives for love and goodness and God! It was an eye-opener for sure. That out there in this world, there are good men who still exists. And MAYBE one of them will want me. haha. Hopefully.

Hopefully they won't be scared off by my two boys, and will take the time to get to know them. My hope is that whoever loves me, loves my boys because they are an extention of me, and then as he gets to know them, loves them for who they are individually. Because they are SUCH amazing little boys. So wonderful, so happy, so full of life! Little boys who do need a Daddy.

I know my faults.. most of them I admit... others I don't outrightly claim... ;-) But whatever. lol. My Mom says I'll never find a husband because I scare men off too quickly because I am to blunt and outspoken and men don't like that... well.. I don't know how to fix it. I got married the first time because I didn't speak up about what I wanted... I will never do that again and not speak up.

I feel like whoever loves me will love my good and bad qualities. Beause that is what makes me Me. Know what I mean?

My Dad says that people are like tools, if you are with the wrong person, you can jam two pieces together to make it fixt but they will never run together smoothly. You will either have to wear one piece out so much that it finally fits, but then you have stripped that tool of everything that makes it what it is and eventually the pieces will stop turning together completely (like a screw you've turned too fast with a philips and eventually the screw is stripped and you can no longer turn it at all). Or you can try over and over to jam two pieces together that don't fit (like a flat head screw and a philips screwdriver), and end up frustrated because the two tools will never work together as one.

And then, one day... you find that perfect tool to fit that perfect piece, and they just fit together smoothly and turn in unison. Sometimes tools aren't made perfect and you have to wear pieces off each tool to make them run together, but if both pieces can be molded together, then they can work together to make it a lasting relationship.

I hope that all made sense. My Dad.. genius that he is, tried to tell me years ago that Mike and I were two tools that didn't fit and one day, one of both of the tools would break if we kept trying to make it work. And he was right. We both broke. But before we broke, we made one perfect little person that made the break so worth it, and for that I will never regret what we had. He may not love Griffin, but Griffin is loved by his Mommy so much, and his brother, and his Papa and Gramma and Aunts, Uncles and cousins.... he has no idea he is missing out on anything. And he's not, because obviously, god never intended for Mike to be Griffins Daddy. His biological donor, yes.. but never his Daddy.. And one day, both of my boys will have a Dad to love them and take care of them just as God intended.

I am so glad I am here in this space and time right now. I am so happy I made it to this point in my life, in myself, and in my journey to a better and brighter life ahead of me.

Thank God for all the wonderful people He has instilled in my life to help me get here.

Losing Steam...

For almost two years.. I was go go go.. Getting my life together, getting things paid off, Getting an apartment... And I feel like I'm running out of steam..

I know when I blog, I kinda seems like either I'm really high or really low or I'm just all over the place... well that's kinda how it's been. I try try try (yes I say everything in three's for emphasis ;) ) .. I get things done, I get them accomplished and I hit a wall ... like for an apt or a house. It took me a long time to get a newerish car, yes. It took a while to get my debt paid off. Everything takes time. But I just feel like for some reason things are just not working out.

I'm trying to trust in God and keep my chin up and keep going. One step at a time. Just keep moving, Bethany. It'll be worth it, you'll see.. Things will change, you'll see. Eventually if you keep going and not settling for less than you want, you'll get there. But I just feel like everything is boiling over. Tears, emotion, at the stupidest thing, I just can't hold anything in anymore.

I spent the last 20 months missing someone who did me wrong. Who abandoned his child. Who was with someone else! And why?? Because I'm lonely? Because I'm tired of being alone? Because I felt like being with him, who at least treated me well was better than being alone? Because, Because, Because. There is no good answer here. He loves me, he loves me not, he still did not do the right thing by anyone but himself. He doesn't have Gof. He doesn't know what real love is. He never would've been what my boys and I needed him to be.

But it still hurts. Hurts so bad I just can't stand it sometimes and I just want to be swallowed into a hole so deep I'll never come out. Probably not the best thing to admit, but at times it just over takes me and I just want to shut out the world. Most of the time lately, I turn down anything anyone asks me to do because I just don't want to leave the house. It's nothing against them, it's me and me not wanting to have to get dressed or have to smile or have to do anything but be depressed. And the gym? Yea... I'd rather eat a chocolate cake. I just can't make myself want to do anything.

I've been better since the last time I saw Mike, I finally got closure, I finally saw that tramp he's with, who btw, is really mean and old looking, yuck. And I finally felt better. And for the last month, I HAVE felt better, and gotten out and WANTED to do stuff. But it takes time. To heal, to come back, to get out of the black hole and see sunshine again. I just keep telling myself I have to keep moving forward, because God has a better plan. His plan is always better than mine. I just have to trust him more than myself.

So I make plans. Plans keep me going. Goals keep me walking. Walking where? I don't know. I don't know what the future holds. I just know it has to be better than what I walked away from. But when.. that's the big question. When will I find someone for me. When will my little family be out on our own. When will my boys have a Daddy. I know in my heart we are a complete little family all on our own, and we don't Need a man in our lives... but it would be nice.

I need to build myself up again. I need to keep going. I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, because one day we will be out on our own, we will be independent. And someday I have to hope God has someone wonderful planned for me out there... somewhere... someday...

God is just preparing him for us, just as He is preparing us for him. I have to keep believing that.

A little Tired.. A little Stressed..

Well, it's been a couple of weeks since I wrote a blog, and it feels like my life is literally on hyper speed. Where are my days going?? I have no idea. All I know is that it's going by fast. Already it's going to be summer and already riley's first grade year is over and already Griffin is going to be a year and a half.. where did it all go?


The last 2 years of my life have changed me so much. I grew up! Finally, my parents would say haha. When I had Riley, my life was drastically different then when I had Griffin. I was 18 and I had no idea what the world was like. I had no idea what it was like to be a Mother and yet, here I am, 7 years later. It feels like a completely different universe.


Almost 2 years ago exactly, I found out I was pregnant with Griffin. Many people that have known me for the last 6 years, have heard me say how much I wanted another baby. I did not want Riley to be an only child, and if I got pregnant... I would be happy. Well I wasn't. I lived with the thought I would be happy for 4 years BEFORE getting pregnant. And when it actually happened.. I was devastated. I had just started college for the first time, Riley was going to be starting Kindergarten, I was Just About to be child free during the day so I could work a REAL job. Well.... apparently God had other plans.


I wrote a journal entry the month I found out and asked, "God, if I Must be pregnant.. let it be a girl... please... and if you really love me... let it be a blonde hair blue eyed baby... ". And then I found out he was a boy... and I cried. But I started a new prayer, and I prayed it everynight. If i must be pregnant and it he must be a boy, please give him blonde hair and blue eyes. Laughable now, considering God DID infact hear me and grant my small prayer :)

I grew more and more excited over that baby everyday I was pregnant. I was scared, yes. I was unsure of my life, yes. But I LOVED that baby more than I thought possible to love a second child. Riley was my first love, and my love was re-newed with Griffin double time. Being older and more sure of myself and who I am enabled you as a person to fully be prepared for parenthood. And fully be able to expand your mind and heart to a child.

So, I go a few months, adjusting to this news and my life is a HUGE Question mark now.


Up until this point I. Had. A. Plan. A really Solid plan. And then.. I had Nothing.


Things with Griffins father fell apart quickly at the seems. Nothing was as it seemed, and I was a expanding box of hormones. He never quite understood that. So.. we fell apart. And I had to make a new plan.


New Plan A: get a new car with a/c, pay off debt, get our own place.


I don't really have a Plan B. But now here I am, Plan A 2/3 done... and now I have new debt. Which is relatively easy to pay off... but we need a place.. our Own place to live.. and it feels like that dream is fading away for the time being.. and i dont know how to make it work. Everything is so expensive!


How do people do it? Is it because they have husbands? Or baby daddys that actually care for their kids? What is your secret? Maybe its the sacrifice of working a real job vs. working for part-time pay to stay home. I have worked full time, and I sacrificed my time with Riley and we have both suffered for it... and are still suffering. And I can't do that with Griffin. Riley needs more than a typical child and therefore needs as much one-on-one time as possible. And with his Mom, not just anybody. Focused attention.. thats what the therapist calls it.


So I'm tired... and I'm stressed. I don't how we will ever make it on our own.

Bad Dreams...

This morning I woke up from bad dreams. They creep in a few days a month and sometimes they take a toll. Maybe I'm sharing too much of myself, but maybe I don't have a choice because I need to have an outlet. 

I won't say what the dreams were, but I will say how hurt they left me. I struggle with the reasons Griffin's father and I aren't together. I struggle with the why it happened. Whose fault it was. When did we really hit bottom and shatter. What went wrong. And how can he be with someone else and not want to be with us. 

So many questions, and even fewer answers... nothing that can make up to a real reason. I know I'm not the only one. I know I'm not the first single Mom, first woman to be left. First woman to be betrayed by a man she believed loved her. But I really did think we were different. That he was different. 

He wasn't perfect. He wasn't Prince Charming. But he was mine. And we shared a connection. And that connection was broken by .... what. I don't know. Maybe everything falls apart eventually, and I just wasn't ready for the outcome of this one. I wasn't fully aware that he was capable of being with someone else because he said he loved me and I thought... I believed he would come back around. I believed he wanted to be there for his son and it was my fault he wasn't. It took me over a year to realize... 

It wasn't my fault. 

That revelation was heartbreaking. I guess you would think it should have made me feel better. I could rid myself of the guilt. I could be honest with myself and realize that it didn't matter HOW hard I pushed him away... if he wanted to be there, it WOULD be there. It all came down to one thing.

He didn't want to be there. He didn't want the responsibility of a child. He didn't want to be a Daddy. He said so many times he wanted us to be a *family*. I thought that meant he wanted to be with us. But it just meant... he wanted the picture perfect life of being a *family*... and if he couldn't have that picture of what a *family* is in his mind... then it was broken, and he wanted no part of it. He wanted The Waltons... and I was more of a Gilmore Girl. See Lorelei? That's me.. only with boys. I fall in love, I get scared.. run off and sleep with the wrong boy and mess everything up. I didn't do that with him, necessarily, but that was my MO...  And I'm pretty sure he hated Gilmore Girls.. 

Anyways.. I'll leave out all the gorey details. But he was given a 2nd chance. A chance to be a Daddy to his son and have me and be a family like he always wanted. He didn't take it. Said he was too afraid of getting hurt again. Oh please. I'm the single Mom with two kids and he's been sleeping with another woman for over a year and HE'S the one who got hurt? Right.

So I have bad dreams. Maybe it's how I cope. For the last month I have been shutting off my mind during the day whenever I think of him and been doing other things... but I can't escape him at night. I can't escape my dreams. 

I don't know where I was going with this. I don't know where to end it, I just know getting it out helps. 

Last thoughts of him:

It still hurts.

She's a ugly tramp with soul-less eyes.. Karma!

The man I loved before is now and forever no more.
   

Big changes are on the way..

A year ago this month, I made a plan. A plan to wipe out all my debt starting August 2010 through August 2011. The reason for this plan was so that I could get out on my own with my boys and get a new car... WITH A/C!! I have never had that before :) And I got my own insurance, I was 25 and got a good rate and I was paying it all on my own, which before I was paying my Mom to be on her insurance.

In July 2010, I made my last payment on my old truck, Bessie, as my friend Kelly fondly named her. A 1999 Durango that was falling apart. I had just paid $600+ to get the a/c fixed for summer because I had a new baby and I couldn't stand the thought of my boys being in a hot car all summer long. But, my efforts failed and the a/c broke again after 3 weeks. So I paid Bessie off, and she was a good truck. She never broke down on me, never gave me any real trouble, and always got me from Point A to Point B with no problems... but the whole in my pocket from gas was slowly growing. I was paying $150+ a month in gas, but I had no payment, so I figured it was an even draw. 

In August 2010, I started watching a little boy, Theo, so that I could stay home with Griffin and be able to watch him grow and change and I wouldn't have to be away from both my kids in order to work and have to pay for daycare. I was also breastfeeding at the time, and so I wanted to continue to be able to do that. Griffin was 6 months old, and changing so much already. So I took in Theo to watch during the day, and I was able to pay off my bills, stay home and be there when Riley got home from school, which is something I've never done before. For most of Riley's life, I had worked... A Lot. And I missed SO much. And being a single Mom, if I am missing stuff, there is no father to step in and be there for him. But my parents are AMAZING people and have always stepped up and been there for my kids, especially Riley, when I had to work. 

So by December, I saw that I had been doing well in my bills, but since Theo's parents are teachers, I could'nt guarantee I'd find another job through the summer, so I took the cut from my free money and started paying more. I added $20-$50 per bill, which there are 4 main ones and 1 I was just trying to pay down for now, I wasn't sure if I could pay it off yet, but it's a small one. By February, I was doing really well, but still not good enough. And I had my inspection coming up on my car, and all you PA residents know that for an old truck, that inspection costs more than the car is worth most times. So I gathered my expenses and decided to go ahead and get a newish car WITH a/c... that was the key.. and good mpg, cause my gas was costing me.

I did some online research, wasn't really sure what to get, so I asked my Dad to go with me to a dealership and look around. Not Buy! But window shop to see what was available. Yea.. that didn't last long, I got there and found my Baby. A 2003 Toyota Corolla priced at a low $9,700. Perfect! So we got the paperwork together, got a low rate and we drove home my new car. The guy was so great and gave me a GENEROUS $2,000 for my truck. So now, what I was paying for in gas I am now paying for in a new car WITH a/c AND heat! My truck, although I loved her, didn't cool us off or keep us warm, so this was AWESOME.

And already it's March, and I've got 3 months left of work... the clock is ticking and I've still not paid anything off completely. So I do double payments April and now May.. And I've done it. I'm done! (well i've got the money put away for the last payments) But they are as good as paid off. And it feels great. 

And now I'm off to the biggest change of all. A HOUSE. And we're house shopping. I've done some research online, and now we're going to a showing of a house today. It needs some work, it's not in the BEST part of town... but it'll do. It'll give us what I've been working towards. Independence. Structure. Routine. And a closeness will be good for me and my boys. I love that my kids get to be around my parents and have that relationship that most grandkids never get to have. But we need to get out on our own. We need to have our own home with our own dog and our own yard and where everything in the house is kid proof and nothing can be broken that really matters. 

A lot of people have asked me how I've done it. How I've paid off $10,000 worth of bills in a year. Well, it's a lot of dedication. A lot of sacrifice. A every bit of determination to get where we want to be and I am done sitting on the side lines watching everybody else live the life I want. The life I want my kids to have. 

Big changes are on their way. Big changes are happening to us. And I am so ready. So so ready... :)

Next goal? Get a husband.... LOL ;-)

Oh what a day...

So today, my wonderful friend Michelle gave me a little mini hp laptop that her brother in law no longer needed. It's perfect! Just goes to show there are still good hearted people in this world.

Anyways, I get this little thing going and decide I should network it to my old computer and transfer some files over and yea, sounds easy right? Simple? No. No it's not, and NOBODY should be allowed to change anything on their computer when they do not know what they are doing! Namely Me... 

I've now locked myself out of my compuiter, it told me I don't have access to my hard drive... wonderful. So I tried to restore it to yesterday... I don't have access. CRAP! Now what do I do! I should never have touched the dang thing. Crap. Crap. CRAP!

So I went into safe mode and it tells me I should change ownership. So I tried that. I really don't know what I'm doing. So halfway through I hit cancel, cause I got scared maybe I shouldn't have done that. And I thought it would either tell me i should keep going and let me, or just cancel whatever i did and make no changes. It didn't do EITHER. It cut me out of it AND made only half changes. CRAP.

So I go to system restore again! It let me in this time.. but now it's been stuck on the *waiting for system restore to initialize* screen for 20 minutes... This is a REALLY. Bad. Sign. That much I DO know.

I never should've touched anything.

Today I needed more hands...

As a single Mom, you learn to get by with what you have. Give the kids more than you have. And have a little less for you, because that's just the way it is.

Well today was one of those days I could've used another set of hands. And I am exhausted, it was *go-go-go* all day and Griffin said "Hello" to the day wide awake at 6:15am. "Good Morning baby" I say, trying to smile, because Mommy went to bed with a migraine and feels the effects of it this morning, taking away what little energy I have at that unGodly hour of the morning.

So I get my coffee, get Griffin a bowl of cereal. And I sit... for 3 whole minutes. Any of you that get to enjoy a cup of coffee all in one sitting without a child screaming, it getting cold, knocked over, or getting dirty toddler fingers put in it? I hate you... lol

So I never finished my coffee, and it was time to get the day started. We are having a neighborhood yard sale this weekend, and so the dog is already yapping at 7 am at every pass-er-by, and Griffin is being his joyous, happy self, turning the tv off every 5 seconds and pressing the loudest toy truck I've ever heard in my life. And Riley is ready to spend all his money finding whatever knick-knacks he can.

I'm sitting down for the first time all day long.. And yes I mean that literally. It's 3:30pm and Griffin is taking his nap and Oh thank GOD... My coffee is ready. I just finished putting away 4 loads of laundry, emptying and reloading the dish washer, and then found 3 more loads of clothes that need to be done... Great. Coffee is my only drug. It's the only thing I allow myself to thoroughly enjoy, and I do it well.

Today was a day I needed more hands. I could tell you all about my day and let you fully experience how I needed another set of hands to help, but it's pretty obvious. I am a single Mom and I have two kids, clearly I need help of some kind.

More normally I do alright. Normally I can get through the day and it's just like any other day and I just do it. But today... Today I needed help. I did it, I did fine, but I was scrapping my heels getting through the day. Some how, there are a few days once in a while where the thought comes to me, "I wish I had someone." "I wish he was here today." "I wish things were different."

Why don't I have help? I know I have my parents and they are great.. but why don't my kids have Daddy's? Why did God see fit for me to be a single Mom for however long it is..? I know He's got someone special in store for me. But why do I have to wait so long.

It's hard seeing how happy my friends are with their husbands and babies. It's not that I'm jealous.. Okay, let's face it sometimes I am.. but that's not the point here. haha. It's just hard! Any of you out there with great Daddy's for your little one's.. thank God for them tonight because not all of us are so blessed. Some of us were lied too. Some of us were taken advantage of. And some of us were saddled with ALL of the responsibility of these little souls to raise.

I just needed someone today. I just needed help today. Even just someone to put my head of their shoulder and share a good bad or quiet moment with. Or hold my hand.

Sometimes I look at my boys and I get to share a beautiful moment with them, and I think... "He should've been here for this." "He doesn't realize what he's missing." I don't love that I don't get to share my kids. Sometimes it's nice because I make all the rules, but most of the time I want to share all of the moments. The proud ones, the sad ones, the *my-kid-is-driving-me-crazy-you-take-him!!* moments.

I just want to share it. I'm ready to share my life. I don't want to do this alone forever. Because that would just be sad. And I am tired of being sad about doing it alone already, I can't imagine another 5, 10, or 20 years of it.

So I will sit here and drink my coffee and pray that the next 6 hours go as smoothly as possible, but I'm just ready for it to be bedtime already and take a long hot shower.

I've had 2 showers this week, and both of them had to be record times of under 7 minutes. And that's not easy.

I just want a break today..

I wish I had an Easy Button...

You know that Staples commercial where they have the red Easy button that makes everything just happen exactly right? Well today I need a *do-over* button for this morning. 

It's rough being a Mom. It's hard and tough and sacrificial. I wish sometimes I could just do everything for him and make things a little easier! Riley didn't do his homework this week. Half my fault because I didn't remind him, and half his because he knew he had it, and I was caught up in his birthday this week.

Well, this morning I remembered he hadn't done it. I got him up early this morning to get ready so I could take the babies for a morning walk because they wouldn't be settled and kept crying at the door, mostly Griffin because let's face it.. he wants what he wants. He's 1. 

So I figured a walk would be good for them. Riley was sleeping and I got his clothes ready and laid them out and woke him up. I walked the boys up and down the street, Griffin won't stop trying to go INTO the street, and so we go back home. As I'm coming in, I set Griffin in the house and turn to get Theo out of the stroller, I pulled the door almost closed, I should've just closed it. Well Griffin pulled it open and Molly (our yorkie) ran out the door and darted across the street to find my Mom who was also out for a walk with my sister, Jen. Well, I come in and tell my Dad, Molly ran off! 

What to do, what to do. I come in and get the boys inside, make sure Riley is getting dressed. Three minutes later Mom comes in and I assume Molly caught up with her. Nope! I get yelled at for not leaving the boys and running after her. *Sigh* Okay, like I could keep up with that dog.

I come in, it's 7:45am, I remember Riley's homework and call him down to do it, he's got his clothes on and is 98% ready for school. Already it's a fight. Just asking him to do his homework, it's a fight. "I don't want too.." "I don't know how.." "I can't read.." ... Oh.. em.. Gee... Please let me not rip my hair out!! 

I yelled. I hate yelling, but he knows he needs to do it. Where is my patience this morning?? Mom Fail #1 

He then starts whining more and not wanting to do anything. He's supposed to write a story and then draw a picture about it using 5 of the words given. Obviously this should've been done on Monday cause it was way too much work for a morning. Mom Fail #2.

I tell him a story he can use, something simple and direct and easy. "Today, the lamp jumped off the desk and turned into a blimp. It floated up to the sky and bumped into the sun! And then floated back down." Easy. He wouldn't do it. He wrote some sentence of 5 words he put together that made no sense... Where is my Patience?? He's 7. He's 7. I have him write his story, make his picture... he's still not going to finish his homework. He's ill prepared for school. Mom Fail#3... 

Where's my "strike 3 you're Out! " Bench me. Somebody put a fork in me, I'm done.. 

Where's my do-over button? It's not even 9am.

The hard part about being a Mom is remember that this little person you created IS a person. They have feelings and their feelings are tender. They have thoughts and ideas and they are not just little pod people you can tell what to do. 

To those of you that don't have children, this concept may seem like it should come easy. But it doesn't. These little people started out as a tiny person with only one mode of communication. You teach them how to speak, think for themselves, walk by them selves, make their own choices, and be a person! The problem is when they BECOME a person and you no longer control them. They have their own voice. And they LOVE to speak it. 

It's a strange thing being a parent. Raising up these little beings. They need you so much and yet they want to be so self sufficient. Where's the line? When do you let do it themselves and let them make their own mistakes? When do they start learning from their mistakes? I don't know yet. He's just turned 7 and it feels like he should know so much already, but he's still learning. And it's my job to remember that he still needs to be loved and comforted and told what to do... in a loving way. He needs structure. If he doesn't then he can't become a whole person because he won't know boundaries. 

Oh to be a Mother! It seems like you should know what to do all the time. That a manual should be uploaded into your mind every answer that will come with being a parent.

But there's not. There's no manual, no booklet. There no *how to be the perfect parent- For Dummies* .. I wish there was. I would buy it. Read it cover to cover. 

I could write about this forever. I've had enough Mom Fails to last a life time.. and yet I keep making them. It's hard not too! And it's okay to admit that. I make mistakes. I'm not perfect, I will never be perfect, but I'm all he's got. I'm all Griffins got. I am the only one who can show them the way, and that is my responsibility. If I don't try and make mistakes and start NEW every day, they will never make it. 

Sure they'll grow and become men, but what kind of men will they be without guidance? With out structure and boundaries and someone there to teach them right and wrong..? 

That's where I come in. I brought them into this world. I had help in that, I guess, but no help after. No fathers. But their "fathers" are not men I would want them to be. It's amazing what happens to a man when he realizes he's going to become a father.. it's like they swallow a *jerk pill* and now all of a sudden... they can't handle this. Sure I'll have sex! Oh wait.. that could make a baby? Say what? No no... I didn't do that.. you're carrying it.. that's YOUR baby. 

Okay. I'll do it. I'll raise them and make them into better men then you. Because that's on me. I am the woman, I carry and nurture the baby. Now it's all on me. Should it be that way? No! But what's better? Staying with a man who really didn't want to be a Daddy? And let my kids take the brunt of that selfishness? Or let their Fathers leave and do as they please, and give them all of my love and be Mom and Dad. Sure they feel the void. But will they feel the constant rejection to their face? No. No they wont. 

I love my boys, and yes I'm going to make mistakes in raising them, every parents does. I may make more then some, less then others, but it's only me. I have to make all the decisions and hope they turn out alright. Hope my love is enough and they don't resent me for not having Dad's. I tried. really i did, to get them to shape up.. but you can't make a man be a Daddy.

Anybody can birth a child.. but its a decision EVERY SINGLE DAY to be a Parent, and a good one at that. Good kids don't just happen, someone has to be there to teach them, and hold them close. 

It's a decision I make every day. And one day, I hope my boys represent me and show the world they were raised well into good men who become the amazing men, husbands and Daddy's that their own fathers were obviously not raised to be..

A Little Exciting...

So, since I'm just starting out, it's pretty interesting. I get on and I don't really know what to say.. where do I start? What does it mean when you say, "Chapter 1.." 

I don't really know where my life begins, because everyday is new, and I never know exactly what I'm doing.. and by the end of the day, I have done something I never had planned.

Okay. 

My name is Bethany, I am 25 years old and in just eighteen short days, I will be starting another year of my life at 26. At 26 years old, I feel as though I've accomplished nothing. Even so, I've graduated high school, moved across country with only the things I could pack in my car, got married, had my first son, bought my first house, got divorced, moved across country again, began my life as a single Mommy of one, worked a little, did a little college, had my 2nd son, and now here I am. Back at square 1. How many chapters is that..? Or do I just go ahead and start over.... again.

Yesterday marked 7 years of one chapter in my life. My first son, Riley, was born. Just 19 days before my 19th birthday. Riley is so many things bottled up in one little body, who would've thought a child could teach you so much. 

I guess that's when I realized I am getting old. 26! Where did my life go? Didn't I JUST graduate high school? No.. no I didn't apparently. I am (almost) 26, a single Mom of two boys, and scrambling to get our life in order. It's a slow process. Obviously. :) 

So.. where does it all start. 

The journey called life... leads to a few mishaps... a few rainbows... turning into quite the adventure... and hopefully when you get to the other side... you've got a BIG story to tell... I know I do.. and it's only just beginning.

A Firm Believer...

I am a firm believer in starting over. New beginnings. New Chapters. A Fresh start... because without those, we would all be leading very miserable lives dwelling in all of our mistakes.

Which is exactly why I named the page LetsStartThatAgain. It is the epitome of how we all feel after some disastrous decision we made without thorough thought. Please! Give me a do-over! I know that's how I've felt all my life every time I made a decision that was usually life altering.

So this is my blog about all of life's little mistakes and choices that i just want to smile and say "Okay, Chapter 1... *insert massive mistake here...*.... Okay wait... Let's start that again.."